I have been reading on this site for a while and now would like some advice on my situation. I am 33, H is 35; we are currently separated and attempting to reconcile.

Brief history M 8 years, 6 yo daughter. Things started deteriorating almost immediately after she was born , he spent little time at home, would go out after work without letting me know, etc. I would tell him that eventually I was going to get to a point of giving up. He took no notice, and that obvious lack of care hurt me deeply. When I tried to explain that that was not the way a married person should behave, I was accused of making too many rules. We did try MC at one point, but he found many reasons why it would or could not help us. In truth, he simply did not like the fact that the MC was telling him he needed to make some compromises and pay some attention to his family. I felt completely isolated and stuck ,I was home taking care of our daughter and he would never watch her, if I needed any help he would remember some other important thing he had to do immediately.

Over the last 2 to 3 years, the situation worsened. He was around me as little as possible, I had given up any hope of a happy marriage but felt that to leave would be an admission that I had failed. Every time I tried to explain that we were hurting each other and needed to make changes, his response would be ,well maybe I should leave. In December 04 I had heard it once too often, and said I agreed that if he was not willing to put in any effort, he should leave. In March 05 he told me he was leaving because we had nothing in common, never did have, he had been wanting to leave for a long time, etc

no surprise, I soon found he was seeing OW. He said it had started sometime in January , I dont believe that, but have decided it doesnt really matter when.
He left at the end of April. For a few weeks I had a really bad time, but within a month felt there was no hope left for this marriage and I had better start living MY life. It was a huge relief to be rid of the anxiety I always felt when he was around.

No sooner had I started to get on with doing things I wanted, when he said he wanted to move home. I had been informed by a mutual friend in the meantime that he and OW lasted about 10 days after he moved out. At that point I was angry, was starting to see the benefits of him not being around and felt he was manipulating me. I thought he may have believed that I had now been taught a lesson and would be less demanding of him in future. I told him I was not ready to decide whether I wanted to save the M. I actually thought he would soon move on and was just finding a place to bide his time.

For the next few months, he would visit 2 or 3 times per week and we were getting on pretty well. Sometime in July he told me he had made a huge mistake and was willing to do whatever it took to rebuild our marriage. I said 3 months MC and then we could evaluate the sit, he agreed and that is what we have been doing. I found the MB site soon after and we are using the info here as well as what we learn at the MC.

Overall we have made good progress , both of us have made many changes, he is at my house most of the time and best of all for me he is really happy to be spending time with me. We have discussed him moving home at the beginning of December, but this is causing a problem for both of us. We realize that the current sit. is false and we can only truly begin to rebuild once he is back home, but we are both scared. I am terrified that he will be back to his tricks as soon as he has an opportunity, he is scared I will change my mind about working through the A I have told him I am struggleng with it a lot. Do we just bite the bullet and hope we can sort through the issues as they arise? Should we wait until we are more secure before he moves home? I really do not want to put myself or our daughter through him leaving again.

Also,I made a big mistake before I found MB. I had agreed that he could still have contact with OW. There are limits, he is not to physically be around her unless I am there, which will never happen; and I am informed of all telephone calls immediately. As far as I can prove, he has complied. Contact is not often, one call every 2 or 3 weeks initiated by her. I now realize this was a blunder on my part, but have no idea how I can go back on this agreement unless he breaks the rules, after which I will have no hesitation to insist on NC.
Any ideas on this?

I have many more questions, but this is already too long, I will get to them later. If anyone can offer any advice on how to handle things from here, or what to expect it will be really appreciated.

Thanks
Lisa

Lisa,

Welcome to MB. Glad to hear your H is shedding his WS skin but if he is in any contact with any OW, M recovery won't happen.

Please consider the following:

1. Read the concepts section above.
2. Both of you take the Emotional Needs questionnaire.
3. Read Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. If you both will read it, that w/b great. At least 1 of you should read those books.

4. Call Steve H @ MB for some phone counseling. The sooner he gets you both on a plan, the better your chances of a recovery.

5. In the meantime, identify your boundaries. I suspect you already know some of them. C/b enough to begin implementing them. Best to run this by Steve also.

6. Keep posting here.

7. If he is making you feel safe, then having him move back now vs December won't make much difference. So now w/b better. But it hinges on his attitude.

take care,
L.

A bad promise is a bad promise. I suggest that if he is reading here you've both already discovered that. I suggest you openly discuss Dr. Harley's No Contact principles and the ramnifications of contact on recovery. Then make it a condition of moving back in. For example, create a checklist of things that need to be done BEFORE he moves back in. First off, the list should include complete openness and honesty - he needs to tell all, withhold nothing, and stop trying to protect you from any negative conversation. Second, the two of you should write and send OW a "No Contact" letter together in the form recommended on this site. Third, a condition you both post here and start a recovery journal where you can discuss your feelings in the third person and to each other where others can see and comment and relate their own stories. Lastly, IMO the list should include a restatement of your wedding vows and a promise to each other that no matter how bad things get in your marriage, that neither one of you will have an affair or allow your emotional needs to be met by the opposite sex. That you promise to address the problems in your marriage face to face; and, divorce, if necessary, but never carry on with an affair as a potential solution to marital discord.

I'm sure others who have been through this exact scenario will chime in with their lists, boundaries and suggestions. You need to be really careful to avoid a false recovery. I wish you success.

Good luck, Mr. Wondering

thanks for the replies. I have ordered the books, they should arrive in the next two weeks. We have done the ENQ and have found it very helpful to review it every month or so; it has been a good gauge of our progress.

in the meantime, the situation has changed. H lives with a friend. Friend has had a fall out with his landlord and now has to move out next week. H can move with him, but then needs to commit to staying for 4 months. H would prefer to move back home. Perhaps the kick in the backside we both needed, we have now to either commit to this or continue avoiding it for who knows how long.

So, I have given H the articles about why NC is necessary, he will read them tonight. I will make a list tonight of things that have to happen in order for him to move home. Daughter is spending the weekend at my mother so we have the next two days to discuss all of this and then make a decision.

I feel very relieved that we are at this point. The limbo is really soul destoying for me. I prefer to make the wrong decision than to make no decision at all. at least I have some sense of control.

Thanks again
Lisa