This is going to be a weird post because I am not really sure what I am asking or what I am looking for but I would appreciate people to read it and maybe give me a better understanding of what is going on. Evidently I am either too stupid or too scared to truly see what is going on.

I have no idea if my WH is having an affair. I know that it ha been 5 months since we had SF. I know that he had a girlfriend, which I found out about back in July and confronted him with. Confronted her with and the two stopped seeing each other. I found all this out by snooping on his work email. This has now been locked tighter than Fort Knox so I have absolutely no way of knowing anything that goes on with him when he is not home. I know that my WH will not commit to our marriage.

I guess I would say I am in Plan A although I think I have been in it too long. For 5 months I have been in limbo land. I have looked deep inside myself and changed what I thought needed to be changed. I am a stay at home Mom and a good Mom I might add. My kids know I will always be there for them. I realize that I am a co-dependent. I rely on my WH for my own happiness. I do not like being alone and love having the companionship of my H and I guess WH too when he throws some my way. I am trying to not be this way but can’t figure out how to be happy with myself alone. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I hate myself or anything. I just prefer to be with someone.

I know everyone says it and must feel it, but my H and I have always been best friends. We enjoy each other’s company and had a wonderful life together with our kids. Being a military family we are all we have sometimes…each other.

My WH is one of those larger than life kind of people. He is popular and his job has lead him to meet many interesting people. He is never at a lack of having people around him that adore him. He is handsome and smooth and people are drawn to him. He loves attention and in fact is happiest in the spot light. I think those qualities have gone to his head and now he seems to seek out people to make him feel good and important. Now, mind you, I have always been his biggest fan. I have adored him and let him be in the spotlight while I took backseat, which I am ok with.

I am trying to be brutally honest with myself here, but for the past 5 months I think my WH has been living a semi single life to see what that experience might be. He had a girlfriend that he said was not that important to him. I am sure there have other women coming in and out of his life. To what capacity I am not sure. He goes out in bars so I know there are women there that he must talk to, dance with, etc. He does come home most nights but has been known to sleep at the office when he has had too much to drink. I KNOW this is not normal behavior. He has put NO effort into this marriage. Sometimes I feel like we are roommates. And he seems ok with that.

Brutally honest again…I think that my WH wants to be single with a wife and kids. That he wants to keep me and his family on hold while he does what he wants and when he is ready maybe he will come back to being a full time husband and father. Do I think this is right? NO.
I know that it must be time for Plan B, but quite honestly I am scared. I also will have to see WH all the time because of my boy’s hockey. I could go and not talk to him I guess, but we would see each other all the time. My WH is the coach and I will not give up watching my kids play hockey for him. My kids depend on me to be at their games. My son’s travel which means we go away on the weekend and stay in a hotel. It would be very hard to do a true Plan B right now.

So here I sit. My WH is nice when he is home and life “appears” normal. No kisses, no hugs, and absolutely no relationship talk is the abnormal part. He wants no part of that ever! He is being a true conflict avoider, which is very unlike him because he loves confrontation! I am the classic CA and I have been the one trying to talk this out. We may go weeks with just life going by and no R talk and then something will happen that I feel we need to talk about. Of course he says there is no one else. Who knows?

I feel like I am in limbo land. I feel sad about all this. I feel alone. I could use some advice on what anyone thinks is going on here and what they think my course of action will be.

If you got to the end…Thanks! Didn’t realize how long it was!

{{{{Lost}}}}
I am so glad you are posting again! I read your post but I don't have time to respond right now. I be back this afternoon. Check on the In recovery board under Me only better...something about lost balls and high grass. It talks about conflict avoidance...one of my biggest issues too. Hang in there!

KEEP POSTING...I missed you

Thanks C42! I read a lot here, but can't always put into words what I want to say. My situation does not have a concrete affair going on so I am unsure exactly which board I should be on.

I did read your post. You sound great!! Life seems to be agreeing with you!

Thanks again! I can always count on you to respond!!!

Anyone want to comment or just be a friend. I am afraid my marriage is coming to an end and I am sad.

Dear Lost,

I can relate to your post. My WH gave me the "I love you but not in-love with you" line in January, 2003. He refused to go to MC, there wasn't any talk of divorce, he didn't leave. There was only SF when I initiated it and it was of poor quality. I walked around on eggshells wondering if any of my actions would cause him to leave. I too was introspective and since he was a true WS, made all of our M problems those that I caused and even his own personal problems were mine to blame. I tried to improve everything I could, by myself. I was very sad, as I can read in your post you are very sad and lonely too. I too refused to see reality that there was an A. I was wondering how there couldn't be an A in your husband's case if you say there is/was a GF?

Also, there are several programs that you can put on your home computer to log all the keystrokes. This will enable you to obtain your H's password into his e-mail accounts. Usually, the WS will have several in order to support their "other world". The one I bought is called E-Blaster and is very good. This is how I caught my H the second time after he swore many times over there wasn't any NC. I can also feel how hurt you are over the lack of affection. I used to long for his touch, and then hate myself for it. This A business is soo painful. Hoping and praying for strength for you in this difficult time. Take care of yourself!

Your WH is a classic. My story is very similar. So many stories are so much the same. I'd be willing to bet your WH has some kind of affair going on. I'd put money on the fact that he's NOT sleeping in his office.

He's a very typical WH. He wants the perks of a family and the perks of being a single guy. He wants the hockey team to see him as the nice, family man but he can't give up the women on the side. He treats you like junk. IMVHO, no amount of Plan A is going to change that.

Sister, it's time to set your boundaries. It is not acceptable for a married man to go to bars alone, sleep away from home, etc, etc. Is this something you wish to accept? Do you want your kids to think this is the way marriages run? Have you been in counseling? It's tough balancing the kid activities with WH contact.

Perhaps you need some hard data: a private detective, a voice recorder, somebody to spy on him. Maybe if you have real information instead of just feelings, you can plan better.

Many of us are in the same position. I was a SAHM for over 20 years. My WH has been having an affair for a year. He left the house right before Christmas. It's taken me 9 months to get myself together. I am now in Plan B. I recently took a job with the school system. I've changed the locks. Doing something feels a whole lot better than doing nothing.

Thank you, Thank you!!

I know this behavior is not right. How do I become strong enough to do Plan B? Unless I hire a PI which I can't afford, I have no way of knowing what my WH is doing. He uses a work computer. He is never on the home computer. His work is a government account and I can't bust the password to save my life.

It's funny because I feel so sad for my kids that their father is acting this way. But I also feel sad thinking about him never being here. My sons will be crushed as I am sure all kids are. The conflict avoider in me wants to not tell them anything and hope that everythin will miraculously become normal again. Stupid, I know. I just can't seem to get a plan together.

What if there is not one OW? What if my WH just does not love me enough any more? What if he just wants to be single? I'm so sad. What if I can't save my marriage and family?

I guess those are all the things I have to figure out. I know the process is Plan A and then Plan B. It just seems a lot of Plan B marriages don't seem to be recovering. But I guess it doesn't seem like any marriages are recovering although I am sure they are.

Crumbs...I know I am settling for them. I'm scared and alone. No family, no close friends. Just me and my kids.

I keep hearing Bob Pure say...what would you do if you weren't afraid. I guess that's what I need to figure out.

This is the only place I have to talk about this so any input is really appreciated. Thanks!

Dear lost,

The first sign that I knew my husband was having an affair was the all a sudden lack of attention he was giving me. No relationship talk, and all a sudden calling me by my first name instead of Hun. Anyway I had no proof but I had this gut feeling and when we had a party I started pointing at girls and asking him is that who you are cheating on me with?

I followed my gut feeling after the block party, when he was asleep, I decided to check his voice mail messages. To my surprise I found a message that said "I love YOU" from the person I least expected it. A 37 yr old married woman who worked for him.

When I confronted him he told me I was crazy that I didn't hear the message, then he grabbed his phone and hurried up and deleted it. Then he told me that he was leaving, that he did not have to put up with me blaming him for something that he did not do.

My fav is when he did not come home one night and I asked him where he had been, he said he slept on the side of the road. (yes he slept inside the space shuttle that landed on the side of the road)

Well here we are now 2 mos later and he is in Canada with OW and she may be pregnant.

So I'd say follow your gut feeling and snoop

M 26
H 28
DD 6 yrs old
D day 3 sept 05
Plan A 21 Sept 05
married 7 years

Lost -

Hi! I feel your sadness...... I know it is scary to think about what it might be like with your H with you and your kids. But you need to find out the truth with your sitch. Just hoping that a miracle will happen is not going to do it. It's almost like we put ourselves into a denial mode. This really can't be happening. Or these things happen to other people.

Can you check his car while he is sleeping or his wallet?? Sometimes you can find info that way. Keep thinking and try to figure out what he's up to....

Take care!

Kimberly
D-Day May14th
DS age 6
Married 13 years
Plan B 10-11-05 one phone call set back. I really don't know this man at all anymore

I check his book bag and there is nothing. I checked his work car in the trunk and everything and nothing. I am at such a lose here. I will keep snooping so I can get some concrete evidence.

I'm just so afraid that he might just want to be single. How do I combat that? I guess right now I am just scared. I can't seem to come up with a plan and I have no local support group so I feel alone. I have been alone many times with my H on deployment, but this is different.

I appreciate the support and kind words. It means a lot. I am blessed with 3 great kids. I just can't get over the fact that my family is falling apart. I am a giver and I want to fix things. To make sure that everyone is taken care of. Now I have to focus on me and that is hard to do. My fault is always putting myself last. Kids and H first.

So, I have a long road ahead of me. Kind words and prayers always welcome!

I will keep posting. Thanks!

{{{Lost}}}
I am so glad you are posting and getting support!!

How far is it from your house to you WH office? Does he have a cell phone? I used a digital voice activated recorder to get the evidence I needed. You can get one for under $50 at wal-mart. The one I had could record up to 3 hrs. I think you should get one. Hide it in his car on one of the nights he goes out. Chances are he'll talk to someone on the phone and you'll get it. Or you might get lucky like me and have OW join him in the car and get all kinds of info.

Ok...so what if there is no A going on. Is this the way you want to live? Because I think if it continues if there is no A now...its just a matter of time. You need to set your boundaries. Is it acceptable for him to stay out all night? Would it be acceptable for YOU to stay out all night? Our kids are learning from our examples...what do you want to teach them about marriage? I know you love your H. I know you have done plan A. I feeeel your pain, limbo is ******...I'm still there some days. The only reason I have not gone to plan B is that my FWH is home every night, he has changed some of his behaviors and is making some effort.(not as much as I would like and not as fast as I want but it is slow gradual process)

Sometimes I wish I had the opportunity to do plan B. I think it really motivates H to shake lose from WH. I think you WH is so sure you are always gonna be there for him, and he can step into family life when the mood suites him that plan B will shock the sheet out of him. I don't think he wants to lose you and the boys. Is this a mid-life crisis thing? How old is he?

edited to add: I can't believe I got censored...oops! I just saw your signature line my FWH is 41 too!

Lost, you have plenty of friends here. I too need someone to talk to. If I can ever be of help,tell me.

Thanks again guys!! This is all so confusing! My WH office is far away in the city. I guess when my WH drives his work car home I can put a recorder in it. The bad thing about all this is I never go to the city and have no idea what my WH does all day and into the night. I think that is part of the problem. He knows that I stay out near my house and take care of my kids. You are right C42, WH knows I will always be here. Mrs Predictable.

I do not want my life to be this way. I want to be strong enough to Plan B. I want to show my kids that a marriage is supposed to be 2 people who love and respect each other. My kids were taught this for a long time, so they must be confused why things are so different.

All of this encouragment is so helpful!!! I reallly need support. Thanks!!!

Good Morning Lost,
How many nights does WH stay in the city? Are they predictable nights? When he is home do you ever go out? I think you should plan a night for you to go out with friends or go out alone...but leave HIM home with the kids and you go out. It doesn't matter where, as long as you look good going out the door.

When I first got the digital recorder I drove with it in my car and tried different things. Radio on & off, talking on cell, whispering, talking in a normal voice...just to see how much it would pick up. It was on the entire time because it picked up road noise but I could hear every word. They are very slender so its easy to hide. Play around with it a little so you are comfortable with it. Because once you do put in WH car you want to make sure you have it set up right, so it actually works. Make sure you get something digital and not a minicassette. Minicassettes click on and off, digital recorders are silent on and off.

It sounds like his commute to the office takes some time. I bet he is on the phone to somebody.

Lost..you will know when you are ready for plan B. The thing that I get here is that plan B is something you have to be able to commit to. Waffling in and out of plan B just extends behaviors allowing WH to get a fix when he wants one. I think WH is very attached to you and the boys. If he wanted to be gone he would be. He has a place he stays, if he really wanted to go and have nothing to do with the family he would....but he wants his family too...fence sitting. He has got to get that he can't have both. You deserve a H not WH. And the kids deserve a Dad not just a Coach.

But thats just my very humble opinion...my life is far from perfect.

Good Morning C42!

Your opinion matters a lot as does everyones on here. The feed back I get and I am sure everyone else helps to work towards a solution. It might not always be the solution some think it should be but it is what it is!!

I will go get a digital recorder. His commute takes 45 minutes to an hour when he drives. He does take the train some times, but I will know before hand when he will be driving. All the advice on that is good!! Some things I would have never thought of so thanks!!

My problem is making the decision and committment to do Plan B. Some days I feel like I should march head on into Plan B and not look back and other times I feel like he is in a fog, but wanting to come out. Life is so weird! He has always been such a great H and father, but you are right he is being a WH and coach right now and that is not fair to anyone.

Decisions, decisions!!!

I went to the book store last night to get CoDependent no more, but they did not have it. So I bought Beattie's other book called "Choices." Anyone read it? I just started, but on the front it says "Taking Control of Your Life and Making it Better." Ain't that the truth!!

Lost you sound so much stronger then when you first started posting. I'm glad you are posting agian the support helps a lot. When you are ready to do plan B...you will. I think that you are a lot like me. I needed solid evidence of A.

I put off plan B because I wasn't sure I would commit to it.Doesn't mean I might not need plan B in future. If contact is re-established with OW, I will not hesitate to plan B.

While you are gathering evidence stay in plan A and prepare for plan B. BS being in plan A keeps the alien guard down. Do you have your financial stuff together yet? Make sure you have copies of all important policies (insurance medical, homeowners, auto, life) and statements (bank accounts, 401k or 403b, stocks,bonds,securities, credit card debit, outstandong loans, mortgage agreement) do you have your own bank account? do you know your monthly budget? Do you know about WH finances?

When you get all that stuff, plus copies of whatever evidence you gather find a secure place outside of your house where you can store it. Even if you never need plan B you should know this stuff anyway.