After 17 months of recovery, I'm getting divorced and I can't stop crying. I don't know what to do.

WH says that he wants his freedom.

I don't want this divorce. I feel like my whole world is crumbing around me. I don't know how I'm going to live without my husband, whom I love so much. I really just can't do this. Someone please help me.

Do you have family or friends around to support you? Based on your previous posts, I want to make sure of that. Also, are you on anti-depressants? How strong and seamless was your recovery time? Were there times during that 1 1/2 years of recovery that your H "backslid" any? Were there any signs that had you suspecting he had not been faithful recently, or is this coming to you out of the blue? I'm so sorry for you. Keep posting here, and also in the "recovery" forum.

No, I don't really have family to support me, nor do I have friends. We were a military family and in the three years I've been here, I haven't found any good friends. My family is too judgmental and says hurtful things to me and I can't go to them. I learned my lesson going to them last time.

There have been times he has backslid, such as going out drinking and getting totally wasted and coming home late; doing the online porn thing, which really bothers me, going out and not wanting to tell me where he's been because it restricts his freedom.

I don't think he's been unfaithful lately, but I think the "needing freedom of movement" is his way of saying that he wants to go out and party and not worry about me and coming home to an angry hurt wife. He admits that he wants to do this, but I just can't live like that. Several of his A's started with drinking and he makes really stupid decisions while drunk, including driving.

I really just feel like I'm dying right now.

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I know how you feel about feeling like you are dying. Although it won't make your pain go away, I want you to know that I am here feeling the exact same way. I can't breathe. Take comfort in the fact that there are others who feel the same pain at the exact same time. God will see us through this.

Yes, you feel like you are dying and like you can't do this - but guess what! - YOU CAN!
He has had 5 As.......that alone is enough reason. From what you say about his lifestyle, is that what you really want for your life, or your kids? Please, you deserve better than that. Life could be better without him.
But you will never know unless you do it!
And again I am letting you know that YOU CAN sweetie. I am your age. I felt just like you, like dying, like I couldn't survive without him, desperate, scared..... u name it. But I'm doing it. I won't lie and tell you it is easy. But I am doing it and you can too. You are right. You can't live like that.......you shouldn't!