Well I have been married 3 years. Got married for the wrong reasons. I was 26, lonely, wanted to share my life with someone and have children. Felt I had been waiting too long. Never had a serious relationship. Both virgins when we met. There was never really a dating period where we went places because he was always busy with church and I worked late. But when I didn't work late or days off there was no change. I can count on my hands the times we went out while dating. We saw each other basically everyday. He would stop by after church and would stay a few hours. He was so tired from working 12 hours a day and having church events basically everyday. So we talked a little, then he would fall asleep and then go home.

Well we ended up having s before marriage. We had decided on marriage before this though. We knew each other a year, only dated 10 months. We were not soulmates. He is a few years younger and was very immature. However I didn't know how much until we got married. I don't think he really wanted to get married or didn't understand what it was. He is a minister. He didn't really have any communicating skills. There was something that I was waiting on someone who grew up in church like me, was a christian, faithful to church. He had all these things but no integrity or character I found out later. The church to me is kind of like a family business basically. He has been at this church since he was born. Parents are Pastors and all of his siblings attend. There are basically no teachings on marriage and no one there really wants to be married. It's a small church and only 3 couples are married.

I found out later he had a porno habit and problem with lust long before he met me. He would lie for no reason and never wanted to address any problem. He hasn’t watched in a maybe 3 months that I know of. I keep finding out things that hurt me. He says he's changed but he always says this then something else happens. My question is where do we go from here? Can we make it? We love each other but didn't when we got married. We have nothing in common. His mind set is church duties, work and that's about it. When we did start having sex it wasn't passionate and far in between because he was so busy and tired. Our marriage is the same although has gotten a little better. In a way he seems to have no use for a woman. I'm like his first girlfriend. He's my first real boyfriend but I did interact with men before him. I think he only got married because we had sex. He's like two different people he has this side of him where he will do whateve he feels then the next day he will be preaching (at home) talking about God as if he's living a saved life. He will go over and beyond when it comes to his family and church but we don't go places much together other than church or church activities.

Get the book by Harley "His Needs/Her Needs" and work through it together. For your H "Every Man's Battle" would be good reading. What about MC?

Thank you. I will try those books out and let you know the outcome. Well we tried his parents a few times and they don't really think what he's done is a big deal. About the porno when I told his mom. She tried to ask if he was looking at it because he has trouble getting aroused since he is so tired from work. She said something about his uncle looking at it because he couldnt get aroused. Then she told him "You know it's a demon and all you have to do is denounce it". But it was so nonchanlant and she did not ask to pray with him or anything like that. She hasn't said anything about it since. She said her husband use to look at them and she prayed for him about it. But if it was me with a problem she will have me at the alter wanting me to throw up to get delivered. Also we went to one other Pastor once for counseling , he didnt really want to counsel up as to he wasn't our Pastor and didn't know our teachings (didnt want to go against anything we were being tauhgt). I can understand that however he did say some helpful things but this was before the porno thing came out. He tried to be neutral which is good but I was trying to tell him there is a problem sexually and my husband would lie and say things like she don't dress up for me and she just lay there to throw things off of getting to the problem. He can do that a lot and people will take his word and deal with the situation on his word. But I kept saying there is something else but I wasnt able to put my finger on it. I had no proof of anything so it was his word against mine. He told little lies like that with his parents too and they believed him. So it's kind of hard to get counseling when you are not dealing with the real issues.

Yes, you can make it but you need to take immediate action. HS/HN is a great place to start. Talk openly with your husband and voice your concerns in an honest but positive way. Tell him there are many of us on this site that acted too late. If you continue to react, rather than act, your M will go no where fast. If he wants to save and improve the M, I would suggest MC and possibly IC as soon as possible. The problem for all of us is that no one really told us how to be a good marriage partner before we got married. We all make mistakes in trying to make a M work. Throw in a serious problem distraction like an addiction to porn, lack of marital SF, etc. and he is going down a path that is good for no one. He must address these issues regardless of his committment to the M. He is a pastor and will have to counsel others on similar issues. Testimony from a reformed addict is powerful. Counseling from someone who is unable to deal with his own addictions is empty and dangerous to those he is supposed to be ministering to.

Have him read some of the posts here regarding what happens in loveless marriages. Whether he wants to admit to it or not he is currently having an affair. Not in the sense of having sex with someone else but in seeking to fill his own emotional needs outside of the marriage. Someone needs to knock him upside the head with a 2x4 and then you both need to explore ways to "fix" your marriage. The resources on this site are incredible. If my wife and I had found them prior to her choosing to seek to fulfill her EN's outside of our marriage I would not be here today. However, where there is will, there is hope. And in the long run if successful you both will enjoy the type of M that you want and deserve.

Click on this link to read Harley's view on porn pornography

Just read your last post. Your IL's are in denial. You have to take control of your marriage. Your husband is a SA or will be before long. People get aroused with porno because of lust. Giving into lust is not a biblical principle in any religion. In a truly fulfilling marriage, arousal happens because the partners love banks are full. When this type of arousal happens and the marriage partners consumate that full love bank by making love, they experience intimacy that can only be experienced in the context of two married people. As I said in my prior post, his needing to get EN's met outside of the marriage through pornography is an affair, doesn't matter how the IL's slice it or want to be in denial. I say this from experience. Viewing of pornography will never fulfill your personal EN's. This is a slippery slope that he doesn't want to go down. Soon, the normal porno (1 on 1) is not quite enough and the next step is to get more gruesome which in turn is less fulfilling. Thankfully, through thoughtful prayer I was able to stop sliding down that slope before I acted out this lust. Many do not. This is serious and he has to understand that he must take action immediately, especially because he is a minister. The devil is at the doorstep, he can invite him in or turn him away. Until he turns him away, it will be difficult for him to truly commit to building a marriage with you that God intended for both of you.

He's a minister but doesn't minister often. His father is the Pastor(MH isn't a Pastor at least not yet) and would never tell that he had a problem with Porno. That is out of the question to tell the truth as a testimony. Althouh we have testimony service it's still very surfaced. I guess I would understand being the Pastor or minister and worrying about what people will think of me. I would love to go to marriage counseling. I will talk with him about it. He is more open to things now. I hope he tells the truth. Unfortunately there is no one to hit him upside the head because the people he values opinions the most are so nonchalant about what he does. Everything is not a big deal.

Also he will say he has repented and is delivered and act like this never happen. He will act like he wonders why I don't trust him. He acts like it's no big deal and doesn't really talk about it. I think if I ask him since he has been a little talkative this week he may answer some questions but it's always like we are talking about someone else like he never had that problem. It's like he's says no he has had no thoughts or maybe he did and he prayed and that's it but it happens again. Like if I go out of town he will or if he knows I'm gone. I was scared about it because we didn't have an active sex life. You know it was never like he wants more. It was like if I didnt say anything about he wouldnt until he gets to the point where he really needs it like a week later. But the time in between he would just do his church activities, work and sleep. Kinda like I'm not there. Also I will say he never watched them everyday(not that it makes a difference)just in the little extra times he had nothing to do. He was kept busy since he was a young child with church almost every night singing or service until he really doesn't know what to do with himself when he isnt working or at church. He will find something to do that makes him tired or if he cant he will get porno...