I am new and need advise. To make is short. Ive been married 18 years with 3 children and just found out a couple of months ago that my husband had an affair with his secretary. I was crushed. She is the complete opposite of me - unattactive, looks older than me and not very intelligent. All saw all the signs and finally confronted him. He admitted it and said he was sorry and didn't know why he did it. He said he loved me.

I confronted her at the office and she indeed admitted to the affair and said it was over.

The problem is that he will not transfer her to another department or look for another job. He has changed jobs over the years and he can do it again - there are many openings in his field. The organization is large and she can be moved to another department. I can't live with the fact that he stills works with her every day. This is eating me up.

I'm trying so hard to get over it, but with her there, I keep thinging of them when they were intimate.

Am I wrong in feeling this way. I've had panic attacks, everything you can think of. I did go to a therapist already and no help. I found out over 4 months ago.

Please I need advise from anyone!!!

Sorry for all the spelling errors - this is the first I've done this!!!

I would suggest that you frame it in a way to make him understand that even if there is no chance for the A to rekindle, that in order for you to be able to cope you need to be in a safe environment. A safe environment for a BS is NC, none, notta. His working with her everyday just opens the opportunity that something may happen to start the flame again. If he is serious about working out the problems in the marriage, the least he can do is to allow you to not have to worry about him seeing her everyday. It is tough to get the mental pictures of the OP out of your mind even when they are thousands of miles away. Without true NC, it will be almost impossible. I would suggest that if he is unwilling to have her transferred that he seriously consider a job change or department move.

One more thing. An A is based on lies and fantasy. Most often the WS choses someone who is clearly inferior to their current spouse. There are lots of reasons for this. It is normal for a BS to have some insecurity issues post D-day. Having an inferior OP doesn't make the pain of your discovery any easier, but as you recover it will sure help you get past your own insecurity issues. I would not trust a WS just telling me that it was over. I would continue to push for NC and continue snooping, accounting for all time, etc. for a while to make sure that the A was really over. Trust but verify.

thanks for your advice. I thought I was going crazy. He insists everything is over and he has nothing to do with her - yet he sees her every day. I really want the marriage to work, but I think he's not thinking of my feelings. How can I go on with him working with her. He WILL NOT CHANGE JOBS OR TRANSFER. He says he has to work to support the family. I've tried everything.

I would suggest that you ask him to visit on this site and read Dr. Harley's comments about the importance of no contact in rebuilding the relationship. IMHO, he has three choices: have her transfered, he can transfer or get another job, or he can leave the M. Him continuing to have daily contact with her would be just too outside my boundaries as a BS to make the effort to rebuild the M. He has to give somewhere. He violated your trust and betrayed the sanctity of your M. Can you accept and forgive and move forward? Absolutely, but that is your choice on your terms, not his. If his secretary was so valuable that he cannot afford to lose her to do his job or if he values his job so highly, he should have taken that into consideration before he slept with the skank.

If the OW is married, I would expose to OWH if you haven't done so already. If you don't want to expose because of the hurt you will cause him, read some of my old posts and I think you will decide that the best favor you can do OWH is to let him know what happened. If you get pressure from both sides, something will budge. If OW is not M, I would consider your options on exposing to HR department or H boss if he refuses to move on his own.

He made his bed, he has to lie in it. If he is serious about rebuilding your R, he has to understand that you must have certain things happen in order to be able to move forward. Do not budge on this issue. You are right, he is wrong.

So,

These folks are right. You H refusal to extablish NC indicates that he either is not that committed to having a healthy marriage, or he is completely insensitive to your feelings.

Recovery is difficult enough when the WS and BS never have to see or hear about the OP. It is impossible to move on when the garbage is still sitting close by rotting away.

Your husband isn't the one here who should be calling the shots, he is the one who needs to work hard to make you feel secure. You will never have peace of mind while he is still seeing her everyday and that alone will destroy your marriage.

"He says he has to work to support the family."

That certainly becomes a moot point if he loses his family.

Thanks everyonoe for your advice. My husband and I have been going around in circles. I am constantly fighting about him transfering his secretary or doing something - he now says he's working on transfering her - but in his words - things take time. He has to follow procedures. The secretary has been working in his company for many years and is in a union. He says things have to be "done right". The first 3 months I found out, he insisted he couldn't do anything becauase of how long she worked there. She's only been his secretary for about a year or so - he made her his secretary. I think he's just stalling and saying things to keep me quiet.

She's the type of person that would charge him with something if he attempted to get rid of her - she's been "around the block several times" even with other people from his organization. He is now afraid about this "blowing up in his face". He said he will leave if I tell Human Resources, etc. about the affair. How long do I have to wait - a couple of months, a year, what? His story keeps changing about the time frame to get her transfered- I think he'll just keep putting it off. Is there reasonable amount of time - am I being unreasonable? I am tired of arguing about the same thing. I want to believe him, but something tells me he's not being honest about everything.

The other woman's mother came in two times to his office to complain to my husband about what was going on with her daughter, that I should leave her alone and to put me down and he allowed it. (This is because I confronted her and told her to leave my husband alone) I felt he should have told the mother to leave the office immediately - the mother doesn't work in the office. The secretary is not a kid (47)and she has to have her mother bashing me? She (the OW)also has complained to my husband several times about how he didn't mean what he said, etc., etc.,because she has some inkling that she will be transferred. But my husband still says it's "stricktly business".

I told my husband over and over again, the moment something goes wrong, she'll be in his office complaining and making him feel guilty about how he did her wrong, etc. etc. This will always happen.

I so want to believe my husband because I love him very much, always have and always will. But, I think he is using this to his advantage. Please write back anyone. Thanks again.

I think the MB experts would recommend that you expose this affair, even if he SAYS it has ended. Clearly he is not willing to be very sincere about no contact with her, and he probably has mixed feelings about not working with her anymore (?)

He threatens you that he will leave you if you expose the affair? Wow, that's quite a manipulation game to run on a BW! How long do you have to wait? You can wait as long as you can stand it, but when my H stayed in the job, there was a relapse. I wish we would have had the guts for him to quit the first time the A ended, and so does he. It was a big mistake staying. OW manipulated it to high heaven, playing her victim games until he caved.

If I were you, I'd go for broke, wreaking havoc and exposing like crazy if he won't come to his senses and quit the job. YOU are the one in the position to be making these (reasonable!) ultimatums, not him!

What do you think?

Hi Hurt,
I wrote at that other post I saw you in and then found this one. I can sympathise with you about how you are feeling about this. It makes me crazy every day when WH leaves for work and he knows it! through trial and error we havedevised a plan that he calls me every night during a break. He calls when he is going to leave or if he has to stay late. I know exactly how much time it will take for him to come home. Now if he wereto relapse I amsure he could always go back to work to use the phone to make it look good on the caller id.... I hope this wont happen. But the chance for relapse will always be there as long as he can see this *bleep* OW at work here or there and think casual contact is ok!
I have wondered if a BS has any legal way of pressing Sexual harrassment charges against an OP?
If it came to a relapse by WH I think I'd do it, or at least speak to Human Resources at the risk of him loosing his job and screwing up our marriage even more. If there was a second time I would want the marriage over any way cause I could not live through this a second time!
Well, that is my 2 cents for what it is worth. I am new here, too, so I am searching for wisdom through the pain as well as you.
I hope you and H can find your solutuion to this.
Hang in there and keep in touch!

Be Well,

Hi Harmonie,

Thanks for your input. I've posted a lot more since this was last written under Soooohurt and Stop the Drama in the recovery section - so you can see some progress is being made. Stop the Drama is my husband and his point of view. Please write to me in that section. Thanks again.