Today my MW is fixing things he has left go for 2 years. He is doing so much I am in shock. After our talk the other day. I told him I knew he was still in contact. I was sick of being treated the way he was. I was talking quietly but shaking. I explained that no matter what I do or say he finds fault and I end up wrong. I said I am afraid to do anything - due to his critisism. I explained that I could not deal with this anymore. I was at the end of my rope. So now I have this sweet guy. Do I have 2 different men living here or what. I am more confused than anything. One day he is an alien and now he is Mr Wonderful? Is he just pacifing me or is this for real.
He has taken a samll tool shed out of my laundry room downstairs to work area. That was a biggie. now he is off to Lowes to get the closet doors and paint that never was done since 2001. Kissing me and being so nice.
Now I do appreciate everything trumendously - but I am dazed. Also leary.
I want to believe he loves me and is doing this because he is truely back. I am afraid of further contact and hurts again.
What do you guys think???

I think you are likely to live history over and over again untill something is done different.....How many D-Days and false recoveries have you had with this man? When the WS does something so "out of character" that it all seems just to "good to be true"...more often than not, that is the case. Sorry, to be the grinch here, but this sounds like business as usual for him....Time to get back in your good graces and restart "recovery" so he doesn't feel so bad about what he has done to you and WILL continue to do to you.............YOU see, he does get some needs by you also, and he does what he has to do to continue that....and you so happen to always oblige him on the one chance that he "is back for good" this time.

There is no need to levy a 2X4 to you, as living the live you live with this man has to be punishment enough for you.

Sorry

Ughhh.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Some men's way of saying sorry is "TO DO". It might mean working on the house, working on the car, helping the wife, tending to her needs. They just "DO" until they feel they have compensated for whatever wrong they have done. Then it's back to the same old normal self. It doesn't mean they have changed, it just means they are doing.



sp correction

realtor*

From Lem's post I get the feeling that you have been through this good-bad road before....

I know you want the loving H back...but after everything you have been through..is a sudden change without a REAL RECOVERY really what you want? I mean should he not be reading something on fixing the M and really addressing the issues?

I worry that Lem is right and you'll be back down the hill soon.......

Best,
Daisy

I think you have stated it quite nicely actually. This is exactly what is happening. It is no doubt hard to accept this if you are "realtor"...I know that if I was in her shoes, I would not like reading my responses either....I think though, giving her "support" by telling her what she might want to hear....would not be "supportive" at all.

For the record, I am not saying that this is what you are looking for, but there have been other posters and postees who have taken this tact, and it kind of makes me sad.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lemmon exactly what I thought. I am being appeased for the moment. I have stated what I want and that has not been addressed by him. When he agrees to my terms and follows thru then I will relax. I am saving my $$ for the day I have to plan B. I will have to move away from here and have no one to live with.
I have to say the man I married always took care of things around the house. He always was doing things. He and I built this home and it is just beautiful. He is a talented man and has saved us thousands of $$ with his talents over the years. His wood work is amazing and everything else he does. He is brilliant with his concepts and ideas. So this is the guy I always knew. That is why I asked.

I do not plan on living this life for much longer.

Realtor,

This sounds very much like my WH. He moved to another state a few days after the first D-day. He had told me that there was NC with the OW. Every two weeks he would drive back and work on our house so we could put it up for sale. I didn't see, or more accurately, refused to see the signs that there was still contact. I too was like you, surprised at his work efforts, appreciative and told him so. I also had my doubts about it, but didn't listen to my gut intincts on the matter as I so wanted the M to work out. I didn't find MB until a few months after the second D-day. Looking back now, I can see it was my H's way to appease his guilty consiounse and to be a cake-eater. Wish I knew then what I know now...hoping for the best for you.

Typical attack but it is still an attack as long as you don't feel safe. No RH or POJA is there?!?!?

My suggestion:

1. Thank him for his useful contributions. Not too much fuss, just let him know it is appreciated.

2. Then ask him why all the sudden nice stuff....straight out ask him if he is setting you up for another fall.....if so, then by his response let him know, you will plan your actions. Don't tell him your plans, just let him know you have some.

How he responds may show you his ulterior motive. If he becomes moody or angry, you have bagged a WS. If he is apologetic, be cautious (cuz you s/b) and let him apologize as much as he needs. Don't squeeze it out of him, just look a bit sad and try to enjoy his apologies.

Lemon is right, this c/b his give and take but if it isn't ringing true, then you don't have to give in return.

It's an act to balance...... can you do it?

L.