Safety-wise - if you say so...

When you say "it wasn't discussed" you mean the A, or the OC, the OW?
MB concepts of Policy of Joint Agreement would dictate that the A, the OC, NC or C, all matters be discussed and enthusiastically agreed upon. I'm sure this isn't the case all the time with everyone, but it is certainly the goal.

My oc is on stbxh's policy and we had to show all kinds of info showing she was indeed from ME. I am legally still married regardless of living stituations so oc was entitlted to his insurance.

Also, even (with the new heppa laws) if you two were on the same policy you'd have to get the records from the doctors office. They will not give those out except to the legal parents.

It just sounds like you know nothing and your husband is not working with you. I think that is what is so frustrating to you. Not really the fact that it's nc or c or whatever.

I agree w/lemonman too. DNA has been established. What if ow's husband leaves her? Do you really think he is going to support that child? Doubtful. I think your husband all though he thinks he's smart is being stupid. No offensive here. I would legally terminate his rights if the ow's husband wants to be listed as the father and be the father. Let your husband pay the medical.........great. But have it done legally.

"It just sounds like you know nothing and your husband is not working with you. I think that is what is so frustrating to you. Not really the fact that it's nc or c or whatever"

You are so correct.

I did ask him last night about the health of OC. It wasn't a nice conversation, and he was tight lipped and offered me nothing. He's a very proud man, who can be a real stubborn a**. I hope he is mortified as to what he's done even MORE now.

He didn't deny that something was wrong, though he did not seem to have any information. However, knowing even a little bit violates the NC, don't you think?

As I said before, it's either C out in the open involving ALL of us, or it.s NC. They can't have both.

I am just sick. .. and I don't like him very much right now.

Thanks for listening,

Eibrab

An OW who is a legal and biological parent to an OC is not entitled to xMM's medical history for the sake of OC's health- yet a non-legal, non-biological BW that is NC with OC is entitled to the OC's medical history because she's curious and her H provides the insurance?


I like the way the selected BW's use personal attacks on me to try to defer from the documented twist of rights to medical information. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

[color:"red"]Take it somewhere else, CLO! THIS thread is NOT about what you are making it about, and your little comments aren't welcome. If you wish to argue about that, go to that specific thread! Your comments aren't helping anyone in any way. In fact, unless you are here to help someone rebuild their M after the A tore it up, or you are here to make your M stronger, please LEAVE!!!! [/color]

Right, I can't believe the mods are allowing this. She's not even freakin' married. She needs to hit the road with her crap.

CLO,

You've been politely asked to remember the TOS and the purpose of this Marriage builders site.

Either abide by these rules and policies or cheerfully take yourself to another site.

Justuss, you ROCK!

Thank you, Ladies.

I've been reading, but not in the mood to post.

Maybe I am being as awful as CLO states.

I'm having a rough time lately.

Eibrab

E - If your money is helping to pay for the OC's health, then you are entitled to know. The OW doesn't assist financially at all for your family, so your family's business is just that, your business

The BW helps to pay for your child, she is entitled to whatever information she wants, you on the hand don't help them for anything, therefore, it's not your business. Do you get it now?

What? That I'm pointing out the BW's here think the OC doesn't deserve xMM's medical history but the BW is certainly entitled to OC's medical history for some reason and it is justified by...what? No valid answers as of yet.



June 25, 2005 Babe. I'm here for Marriage Bulding! Do I have to agree with every comment in order to be a member here? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />



Justuss,
Where is there ANY mention of marriage building in this entire thread? (Except for LynnG's post) It's about a BW who wants to know about the OC's medical problems. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />




Not really. Eibrab and her H have no legal rights established. They aren't legally entitled to that information (Otherwise they would have that information).
Oh, and MY OC is on my H's insurance policy; neither my xMM or BW pay for medical care.


You're not awful and I never said you were awful. My advice to you is to get everything established legally AS LYNNG STATED so that you CAN get the information you desire. Until then the OW legally does not have to give you any information about the OC. If you don't want to get legal rights established then the only way for you to legally find out about OC's health is to ask the OW or her H.

Do you need help in communicating with your husband?

I realize it is a not to be talked about subject with your H. My best friend and her first husband had this exact same relationship, they would start to argue about things and stop just as fast... she was the one that was non communicative. She said she just felt justified in not saying anything to him about many things and his feelings did not seem that important to her at the time....They eventually left each other and both remarried. Much happier now... MY friend said that her 1st husband backed down so easily and just stopped arguing when she got a bit angry that it was TOO easy to let it go and let it go so nothing was addressed or resolved.... Unfortunately My friend eventually left him... she did not respect him anymore HE had no backbone and did not stand up for himself she wanted a more manly man in the long run.... HER 1st husband was one of the nicest men and a good father... They were just not a match. I only know of this relationship to reference that is remotely similar. I have spoken in depth with both sides my friend and her husband so I have both points of view in great detail... but that was many years ago.

Now when it comes to communicating my feelings to my husband or anyone well I am a bulldog I will not give up and in order for HIM to get away from the convo untill at least half my questions are answered he would have to leave the house... which really is not a good option on his part and just tries to make an agreement to answer or discuss this much of the issue then continue at another time... I of course always ask more than i really want to know in order to have most of my answers LOL

Now communicating with your husband may be something you need to go to a therapist for if he is being that difficult... he feels like he is backed into a corner and thinks it will all just go away if he does not discuss it the exact way my husband use to be...till I put my foot down and did as I mentioned above.

I hope I helped and if you need more specific explanations of my experiences I will gladly share... or what ever else you would like.

Great CLO, you've been such a huge help. You've made a woman who already has trouble asking for what she deserves feel even worse about it.

It doesn't matter if you don't like the fact some BW and their H decide not to release medical history's of their family. If the H really wanted to, he could go behind W's back and give it to OW. It's not always the evil BW holding all the cards. Sometimes the MM is sick and tired of STOW's antics and wants to sever his ties. You should know, you got severed out of xMM's life, did you not? You get your hush money every month, enjoy it.

CLO - To answer your question: The OW does not need to know anything about the XMM. However, if that man is the father of the child, proven by DNA, he DOES have the right to know about that child.

It is plain and simple really. OW has no right to any personal or private information at all.

And for the record, nobody said to withold vital medical info from the OC DOCTOR. But no need to tell OW a thing, as it would be none of her business.

My guess is that you see "changes in him" as long as you're going along with what he says and decides. If you disagree, I suspect you see the more aggressive part of your H.

I think that you H. is still being Mr. Invincible. The way he is handling this whole mess is indicative of someone who blows off responsibility and other's feelings because he doesn't believe anything bad can happen to HIM!! Including this whole mess around his affair and the OC.

I think that your H. is self-centered and doesn't give a crap about your feelings! How in the world is this a Recovered marriage....or even working towards a Recovered marriage???

Eibarb,

My intent in saying this isn't to put you down. It's to support your feelings that your husband is mistreating you. He is THE core person in all of this! Think about it. He makes decisions independent of you. He blocks the way of any information exchange about the OC. If he agreed to establish legal paternity, information could be obtained by him and shared with you....if he chose to share it! He makes decisions that impact you and your children financially and emotionally. The OW and her husband have NOTHING to do with this part of things.



So Mr. Invincible probably assumes that he's gotten off easy just putting the OC on his insurance policy. He assumes that no one is ever going to come after him for back child support, etc. Probably figures that he just needs to lay low right now so as to not draw any attention to the situation. Everybody will just forget. No wonder he doesn't want you raising any questions about the whole situation. It makes it harder for him to see himself as "Mr. Invincible"!

Your H. also assumed there would be a healthy OC, which is at question now. I bet he also assumed that he would never father a child in an affair! He probably assumes that if he ignores your feelings, needs, wants, long enough, you'll wear out, or back down and forget about it.

I am concerned about your comments regarding your H. getting violent with you in the past. You go on to say that you didn't mean to turn this thread in another direction. I don't think it is going in another direction. I think it's very much related to the current dynamics in your relationship. Red flags for domestic violence come popping out all over for me. Even if your H. is treating you better, abusive spouses can go through a "honeymoon" phase where they try to gain power and control over their spouse by "kindness", instead of threats and physical abuse. They will eventually cycle back to abusive behaviors.

I agree with Lynn G. that you need to get legal support. Even if your husband doesn't choose to be involved. He obviously doesn't believe that anything bad can happen. He has made it clear that he is not interested in your thought, feelings, needs, etc. That means that you are the one who will have to stand up and protect yourself and your children...if you choose to. Be careful, though. If he feels his power and control is threatened, the chance for violence increases.

Keep coming here to share and seek support. Living in these situations can be real "crazy-making"!! I know that I've been there before!!

Heartmending.

Do you know me and my H ? lol, I read that post and , thought, OMG... HM has it.. Even before I realized it.

My H DOES think he is invincible... possibly that is why the health of the OC is not up for discussion. Because this boy is not perfect...and it has been proven to be part of him.

I know he is suffering. I know it.. and you are right, I have seen such HUGE changes in this man. And, yes, I did mention violence. Let me further explain that in the almost 20 years with this man, there have been 2 incidences. And they have both been pertaining to this ordeal. The first, the day the OC was born - and my H was not at the birth...and the second just recently when I brought it all up in a fit of anger. He just got enraged with it all and my questioning of him.

I am NOT making excuses... never, never, never. But, the reason I refrained from making this a thread about violence and physical abuse is that I think it has been all the stress from this. THIS. This A, this OW, this unhealthy OC.. This is what I, yes I, get for the stress and shame that his indecisions and her sh** have caused.

It's stupid, I know.. and when I wonder what God's plan for me in all of this is, I start to think that maybe it was to humble Mr. Invincible, and make him a better man towards me and my COM.

I see that happening, though I do state mostly the "wrong" here. I simply do not know.

I do know, that I am so very grateful for this forum.

Eibrab

Eibrab,

just on the topic of violence i wanted to let you know that your not alone in this. My h is normally extremely even tempered. it used to take lots and lots and lots to get him riled up but when all of this crap came out into the open and the full realisation of the consequences of his actions hit him square in the chest, he developed a real anger problem. He never hit me i should say, but the phone bought it, so did one of our laptops, a saucepan and for a while there i wouldnt get in the car with him because of how he was driving. His anger grew out of frustration becuase he could not work out a way to make it all good again. The OW was laying the guilt on thick, he felt very guilty over what he had done to me, his family were being unhelpful and he could not find a solution to it all. It was like one of those rubic cubes from the 80's, as soon as he got one side sorted out, he would realise the rest where out of whack. he couldnt fix one without messing up the others. and to make matters worse, he would not talk about it. he was like a clam.

i think his anger issues got a lot better once he had found his feet and got abit more grounded. He learned to accept the situation basically. Time gave him a bit of perspective.

I just wonder if your h isnt so silent on these issues becuase maybe he is going through the same kind of thing and has decided maybe that since he cant find a solution that makes everyone happy, he just wont think about it.

just my two cents worth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Carolyn

My instincts tell me you just may be right.

Thank you for putting that into words.

Blessings,

Eibrab