This is my first post. Need your thoughts. My H and I have been married 20 years and have two adult children. Our marriage has been good, but also very rocky. He can be verbally abusive and my friends think he acts like a womanizer. For several months I've been counting his Viagra pills in his overnight bag. (He's out of town one night a week) After finding 1 1/2 missing I confronted him. He said he used those to masturbate the night before. At first he lied and said he rented a porn video to masturbate with, but then switched his story to using a Playboy when I asked him to call the video store. Our marriage has been a bit rocky for the last couple of years and he's lied to me before about other things. He continues to deny any indiscretion. I know Viagra can be used for masturbation, but is this or could this be normal behavior. He hasn't done it since. Which also makes me wonder. He was also talking on his cell phone alot to a recently separated woman, but denys any feelings there. He has since stopped. His behavior has changed dramatically for the better and he wants to stay married. We've gone to counseling and he was told I need the truth. He continues to deny. Please let me know your thoughts. Thank you.

Have you considered the digital voice recorder that can be placed (taped, so it won't move?) under the seat of his car if you suspect he might have her ever in the car, or talk to her on a different cell phone?

Otherwise, how is your poker face? You can always pull the trick they use on "Survivor" and pretend that you know a ton more information than you actually do, without revealing your "source"...

Just two ideas that came to me. The Viagra story sounds like bunk, and especially once you mentioned that he changed his video/Playboy story. So sorry. There is hope of good recovery, but you must get to the truth.

NTL

Boo2

I'm sorry but I don't believe him.............your gut is telling you that something is wrong, isn't it????

I mean, you've been married for 20 years and you know when something is NOT right!!!

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!!!!!!!

bb

Your husband’s excuse is not valid.

Married men might use masturbation if deprived of sex or away from partner. But even then there are no “performance” issues. Viagra helps with performance - “getting it up” – but not so much with ejaculation or the feeling of climax. Other than psychologically a man who “performs” well will feel better about himself and therefore get more out of sex.

A married man planning a masturbation night out? Lining up his pills? No – I am a typical horny +40 year old male and I am not buying that. Sorry.

I am a 46 yr old wife and I have to agree with bigger...I just don't buy your husband's story. The fact that he changed his excuse from porn video to Playboy should be a red flag, too.
Let me give you some background history on my relationship, tho...I keep discovering that my husband is masturbating to porn, even tho he knows that it really devastates me. And always, he lies saying he has stopped, when in truth, he's just hiding it differently.
So, that being said, now you know that I am coming from a place of mistrust to begin with. Even still - your husband's story sounds fishy.
Best of luck for working it out.

I think there's something else going on. That's one way I found out about my H's A. I found the pills and then kept my eye on them. By the way those pills are like $10 each. I can't imagine "wasting" one like that. Know what I mean? Keep your eyes open.

Can't you switch the pills to fakes so that they don't have the viagra effect???? Then see what happens..........
Do you guys still have sex together????

Maybe you can share more about your situation to give a better insight for us.............

bb

Thanks for the replies. Yes, his story is fishy, but I don't have any concrete evidence to prove otherwise. I don't believe he is in a relationship with anyone else, but may have been unfaithful a time or two. I'm just not sure if he's been unfaithful. We talked of divorce after my first confronting him. He agreed, but then asked if I would stay until our senior graduates from high school. I couldn't do that. We told our two boys that we were divorcing. My H wanted me to reconsider after seeing their faces. He said he would do anything to stay together. I agreed to try again. After several counseling sessions and long talks we have been successful in rebuilding our marriage. Our sex life has improved also. But I just can't help the nagging feeling that he was unfaithful. Do I just let it go? He knows I have been going thru his things and phone records, so I'm sure he'll be careful if need be.

I remember a line by the King of one liners; Rodney Dangerfield: “I tried Viagra once – sprained my wrist”.

You can quite possibly carry on with your life as is. That is if you can settle for knowing your “best before date” is set for the day after graduation.

I sometimes liken an affair or basically any crisis in a marriage to a heart attack. Some people who have a heart attack simply die. Others survive. Those that survive either carry on smoking, eating junk food and being stressed or change their lifestyle. Guess which group lives the longest.

Your marriage survived the heart attack. Your husband is offering you a super sized burger with fries and a double chocolate shake. I say go for the lettuce.

Fact is that IF the work is done to improve the relationship you will both benefit. If he wants you to stay use it. In business you always bargain from a position of power – even when the power is only perceived by the other party. You are in a position of power – he wants you to stay “for the time being”. Demand the two of you go to MC. There work towards your husband accepting total honesty. Then you can get the answers you want.

Remember it is not important, necessary or even beneficial to win all battles as long as you win the war.

I agree with Bigger. No matter what happened in the past you can't change it. You may or may not get to the bottom of it but YOU can't base the rest of your marriage on this issue. This is his issue.

In counseling you may try framing this issue as HIS intimacy issue. He can never truly have a fully intimate relationship with you or any woman unless he learns to share himself completely. The issue becomes he needs to be forthright for himself and no longer about YOU needing to know.

BTW, there is inside every man that 13 year old boy that upon discovering himself had to maintain this whole secret sexual self hidden from the world. We live that way for years, hiding it from parents, girlfriends, friends and eventually our spouses. Whether it is self gratification or OW he wants to/needs to understand that sharing this part of himself with his wife is required to achieve a fully satisfying relationship. In counseling I hope you can perhaps make him feel safe expressing himself and safe to disclose his past actions and sexual interests/thoughts in a non-judgmental way and as a building tool for the future.

I wish you luck.

Mr. Wondering