So OW called H at work right before the end of the workday, at his desk in a cube with co-workers all around (we didn't even know she knew where he worked, she must have followed him last week after they crossed paths on the road). This is the first time she has successfully established contact with him in 8 months. She proceeded to tell him that her D will be final in a month and she needs to know H's intentions toward OC to know what to do with the Birth Certificate.

That makes no sense to me. She can do whatever she wants and can pursue legally with the B/C, what difference does it make what my H plans to do regarding OC. What is she fishing for here?

She told him OC looks just like him (didn't know we got the emailed picture obviously), and she knows that we are back together and doesn't plan to try to disturb that (yeah, right, after I talked to her when she was in the hospital and told her to contact ME if she needed to know anything, she stalks him and calls him at work w/o my knowledge or involvement but she isn't trying to disturb us??? What a joke.)

We don't know if we would want C or NC... it's open for debate. And POJA.

She didn't mention any LEGAL proceedings as far as paternity, c/s, parenting time etc... she just wanted to know H's intentions and to let him know that the baby looks like him. And that she's getting a divorce, I'm sure.

What do we do now? He told her he couldn't talk about it right then and would contact her about it later. He was just trying to get rid of her in an office environment, without creating a situation (like hanging up) where she would just keep calling back.

Thoughts? Thanks so much in advance!
NTL

((((NotTooLost)))

I don't have any advice, but I do have hugs! Seems like now you could use one of the ones you gave me today!

Thanks Cinny, I definitely could!

NTL,

Her behavior is typical and your H did good in dismissing her as best he could. Whether she's still after your H or not, she hasn't accepted that if there's to be contact, you're part of the decision-making. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Let's hope she doesn't make a habit of harrassing him. It would be good for you and DH to start deciding some things, but put her off until you are ready. He can tell xow he's still discussing with his wife what's best <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> and tell her to ONLY call him at home (where you can hear his end) or whatever is acceptable to you.

Do everything by joint policy of agreement, presenting united front to XOW. Never let her *think* she's divided you, even if there's things yet undecided.

Do you have legal counsel?? Do you know what your state laws are? Are you in a state where, if she was married at birth, the husband is the legal father unless proven otherwise in first 2 years? Are you in a state where you could be hit with back child-support if she does file?--ouch! These are important financial issues---protect yourselves.


You and your H can discuss and decide TOGETHER (poja) what YOUR boundaries are. IE Are you sitting out the 2y period to see if her husband is legally *stuck* with child?? If your H is DNA'd and ch-support required, do you want to try visitation? Before 2y? After 2y? Never? Be sure you get your H's HONEST opinion beforehand, so you can really lay BOTH your feelings out there. Read this site on POJA and total honesty.

Do you know what *type* of affair it was, what "caused" his behavior? See http://www.affairs-help.com/types.html !

IF he's a conflict-avoider, it can be difficult to get his real feelings about contact, but try to get it out of him and not jump all over him about it. Conflict avoiders hold grudges for things we don't even know (which is how they justify the A to themselves in the first place). Tell him you need to know now and not in 20y when he's pissed. Sharing can be scary, but very uniting in the end.

NC can work. Contact also works to the extent all the adults *behave*. Our policy is having contact so long as it does not hurt our marriage or children-of-m, so long as xow respects our reasonable boundaries. We worked with counselors on this.

But I'm jumping ahead of where you're at! So long as her H might be in the picture (is she compusive liar? any way to ck on the divorce?) and is legally the father (?), make sure you know your state laws and keep working to strengthen your marriage!!

Best wishes,
J
7y recovery <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> and glad I stayed

Jenny, I think I might call OWH today at work, have never talked to him but want the straight scoop on D.

It was a romantic affair, and it is over, but H is fanatical about NC with XOW because he did relapse and knows his potential for weakness even when he didn't think that was there...

We think we are in a state where (MI) her H is the father unless proven otherwise, and we would be liable for back c/s.

We haven't determined about C with OC yet, we will POJA it, and I know we can come to an agreement. We are usually pretty like-minded, I ask him all the time his real feelings on NC w/ OC. We have 2 DD's of our own, so I know how he loves kids... Too bad OW is such a STOW.

Thank you for your input, she is a compulsive liar BTW.

NTL

ok you can find out if anyone filed its all public record just go to the county courthouse and look up her or her husbands name with any pending court hearings/actions.

PLEASE remind your husband NEVER to admit or acknowledge that the child is his on the phone ect till a DNA test is done. You do not know if she is recording his convo with her.

As far as phone contact with him at work that can be harrasment and charges can be filed.... HE IS NOT allowed personal phone calls prob and she is trying to get him in trouble maybe.

ONCE YOU HAVE told her NC she has to respect it. Remember she cannot contact you or your H without permission otherwise it is harrasment and you can file charges.

YOU are in the state were the law says the legal H is the legal father of the child born of the marriage.

Cordelia, I emailed you.
Thanks,
NTL

She is already causing trouble.

Get the laywer and inform her IMMEDIATELY that she is not to contact him or you in any way at all or she will be charged with harrassment. PERIOD.

Then let the laywer handle the details.

Get things set up NOW financially before she comes with her handout. Got kids? Get them on child support to assure that you and yours get the lions share.

I would also consider having your husband write her a letter telling her to leave him alone and what he may or may not do as far as OC is concerned is a matter he will only dicuss with his wife. Let her know from the get go that her input is not a consideration.

Be proactive and gain as much knowledge as you can for the law in your state.

Thank you, you guys. We do have children, but we are together so c/s isn't an issue between me and Mr. STOWaway. As you can see, we just want STOWaway... ick.

May 2morrow be a better day.

Mr. Wondering