I have been married 20 years. 17 years ago, I became pregnant with our first child. My husband was angry because he did not want children, but I really wanted this child. He feels that I intentionally deceived him. We now have two children: a son, 16, and a daughter, 12. ALthough he loves our children, he continues to resent that I foisted parenthood on him, reducing his autonomy. After 17 years, how can he not forgive me, even though I have asked him to, and especially since the product of what happened is so wonderful? (2 great kids). I know that a lot of this is tied up in his feelings of unhappiness in his own childhood, but he refuses to deal with this openly, and was not cooperative during marriage counseling. How can I live with the fact that he will not forgive me, and how should I respond? 17 years of this is wearing me down. I recently told my husband that our marriage cannot move forward and we cannot have real intimacy unless we work through this problem. Anyone else live with someone who refuses to forgive them for something?

my wife can't forgive me. mybe i deserve it ? we've been married 18 yrs. we worked at the same place when we met. i was 19, she was 25. when we started dating, i was also dating someone else. after 2 mos. she got pregnant. she also had a 4 yr. old. son.his father was not involved at all.when she told me she was pregnant i broke up w/other girl, and committed to her. 5 mos. after she gave birth to my son we got married. i don't think she tried to trap me or anything like that. after seven yrs. i had an affair. no long term thing . stupid, i know. i really regret it. we worked our way through it. she said she forgave me. and decided that since she forgave i would make my family number one in my life. we moved about 1 1/2 hr. away to start anew.if i wasn't at home with family, i was at work.about 5 yrs later, i had this bazaar dream about a baby girl. for some reason it really messed me up.i can't explain why, i don't know.my wife had her tubes tied yrs. before.i left for one night to try to figure out what was up in my mind.i decided it was stupid to mourn for this little girl that wasn't. it waas really wierd. i was back the next day and apologised for my stupidity.she took it as a slam on her for not being able to give me a baby girl.i really didn't want any more children , two's enough for me.she said that she forgave me for doing that.so 5 yrs later after my mom died this house that we always walked by and talked about for a couple of yrs, how great it be have, came up for auction.we talked about how it was not the right time to buy it. we really couldn't afford it.my father and i went to the auction to check out the antiques that were for sale.while there, the house was going to sell for relatively cheap for what it was worth. $80,000.00 .my dad wanted to give me my inheretence early, so that we could have our dream house. i should have said no but i didn't. i know i shouldn't have bought it. but my father said he would move in with us to help us pay tne mortgage on it, but changed his mind later.so here we are 3 yrs later and my wife now says she can't forgive me for not respecting her opinion for those things. and that i just don't get it.i understand she should be mad at me for just doing it, but, i was wrong and have told her i was and that i'm truly sorry for just doing it no matter what i was thinking.but she just can't get over it. she tells me that i have abused her during our marriage, and theres a pattern of abuse because of these three things.trully, this is all their is. mybe i don't get it.i don't know?

Be careful in assuming too much guilt. I'm not saying you're not culpable for where your relationship is at, but at the same time, you haven't really shared too much about the two of you and how you relate.

The affair is something that will hang with you a long time. It may be that you guys haven't really "recovered", you're just "playing at recovered", and the undercurrents and such of the pain and betrayal are still there.

On the other hand, you did take your W for granted, and you did things unilaterally (like buying the house), so now she's trapped.

What you haven't said is what are you going to do about making it right? Seems like selling the place and moving somewhere else mutually agreeable is a good step.

I suspect some good therapy is in order, and I think you need to review *all* the material on this site, and especially the info on recovery from an affair, and confirm that things are squared away there.

That'll get you started.

thanks for the response jaye, these are just the things i have done.she has done similar things.i can let go of the things she's done,forgive and forget.but she forgets nothing i do. she has gone to bingo and said she only spent $50., i look at the bank statement and spent spent $160. i don't really like to do the tit for tat thing, but she does the same thing and it's ok for her, i do something like that and i'm an #%$.i do all the housework while she sleeps on the couch or watches tv. i do almost all the running with the kids.i do all the yard work. i pay all the bills.i worked out of town, making great money. spent only what i had too.$5.00 a day for food and gas.when i wasn't working i was in my hotel room. she had my cel phone #, could call me anytime.i would drive home on w/e, 6 hrs.sat. i woould clean hse, cut grass , pay bills, and play with the kids.sunday, i would wash everybody's clothes fold them , take them to their rooms and leave about 2:00pm. when got back the next w/e her clothes would still be where i left them.and do it all over again.she works full time(she's an accountant), so i don't expect her to do everything, but a little help would be appreciated. when work is scarce(i'm in construction)i don't have a problem doing most of the work.i myself can't stand to pay bills, i never learned to balance the chack statement.she said she gave me the bills to teach me about such things, but when i asked and eventually begged for her help , teach me how to reconcile it. she refused.i'm no saint , lords knows i'm not easy to live with, but man. somewhere i took the role of the wife,emotional,and she took the role of the husband,don't talk about feelings and such.she says it'not about what i've done but the trust and i get that,but what do i have to do to rebuild that trust. after all, we all do stupid things once in a awhile.a couple big ones, most small. i'm not saying she doesn't have a right to get pissed at me,she just cannot let go of them.
thanks

Take this same set of quesionts over to teh Emotinal needs forum, see what they think.

please hit the enter key and try to format it to make it abit more readable, that will get the maximum # of people looking at your sitch...

But at least on the surface, trust appears to be a serious issue. And you need to do all the other things like avoiding LB's and so on.

Just keep in mind, you can only change yourself, you can't change her. But as you fix yourself up, she may choose to join you in the process.