I am looking for personal experiance of who has been their either from BS or WS's.

1) How long after NC before WS begins to show signs of "Love Feelings" in your situation?

2) How long did it take BS from feeling like WS is comparing to former OM/OW. (for example: I have not kissed wife since D-day mainly because she does not want to, but I know if things workout I will kiss her again.)

3) How do I overcome thinking she is comparing me as a kisser to him?

I know that sounds so juvenile.

Also, she said no sex but only God and the 2 of them know for sure.

4) How do I, well you know, keep from thinking the same thing about sex when she says they did not?

5) How long did it take for BS to start feeling some trust again?

6) Is it normal for WS to not want physical contact, ie hugs, kissing, cuddling during withdrawel? She says she does not want to hurt me by not responding, but she feels like she is being forced to respond by me giving her a token huge or peck on the lips.

waiting:

1. Fake love feelings, about a week. Real love feelings, about 6 weeks. Took around 5 weeks for her to admit her PA and start real recovery.

2. My FWW and I had intense SF on dday 1 and dday 2, I don't know if I was "reclaiming territory" or we just needed emotional release or what. I never felt like I was being compared that way, or in any other way really because the OM is such a loser.

3. You may not be able to for a long time. Do you ever compare your wife to former girlfriends? Do the formers ever come out on top?

4. I know my wife is satisfied by me sexually, that is the only way I feel comfortable in that regard.

5. I still don't completely trust her. Maybe I never will. If I do, it will be many years.

6. My FWW latched on to me hoping I wouldn't leave.

My case is really a best case. My wife broke down completely and has worked hard on the M and herself (and I've worked on myself too). We had a great family/friends support network as well.

You can compare my story and many others if you follow the saga of hopethisworks in the thread "Exposed WW last night..." It is 35+ pages and is well worth the read.

I understand your self-esteem/comparison issues. I got over them by quitting tobacco, getting in great shape, and being the best husband I can be. I like myself better that way anyhow.

Good luck!

1. Immediately. Actually affectionate love never stopped throughout the A. OW would have hated to realize that H never doubted his love for me.

2. That never bothered me. In fact during the A, my husband once, during SF asked me if I was getting alot thinner. He was uncontiously comparing me favorably to OW who was really a blob.

3. Time. Remember she is with you not OP.

4. Same as 3.

5. Having my trust is a right he forfeited, I will never again trust him. I am too afraid that I will end up feeling like a fool if he ever strays again.

6. Can't answer, I am the BS

Hi, I'm a BS and WS.(both formerly, not actively)


1) How long after NC before WS begins to show signs of "Love Feelings" in your situation?



-My wife did NC on her own before I found out about it. She never lost her love for me. At least she didn't act like it. She thought I didn't love her because I was so wound up with my own issues of addictions and depression. The thing that really hurt me was she and I made love during the same time frame she was seeing her OM. Somtimes on the same day. She once told me she had sex with me before going to see him just "to get one over on him" because of his attitude. I'm pretty sure she probably told him the same thing about me when she'd come back home on Sunday to me after spending the night before with him and....uggg sunday morning. I recall several times we'd make love sunday afternoon during that time frame.




2) How long did it take BS from feeling like WS is comparing to former OM/OW. (for example: I have not kissed wife since D-day mainly because she does not want to, but I know if things workout I will kiss her again.)

-That's a hard one, no pun intended, for anyone going through what you are going through. It's one thing to compare former boyfriends/girlfriends from long ago because they obviously compared you in favor of them in most cases since they chose you to marry and not them, but thinking of your WS comparing a person that has recently slept with them after they chose to marry you can drive you insane when you think about it even if you were never compared. I spent months feeling like my manhood was hiding under the bed whenever I left the house. I lost 60 lbs in 6 months worrying and feeling so less a man even after I saw his picture and well...he wasn't much to look at at all. I wager most women wouldn't give him a second glance and that even made it worse for me somehow. I'm no brad pitt, but I've caught eyes over the years. So I just couldn't understand it all. I started thinking the guy must have been hung like a horse. Grrr. Yep, went from a 38" waist back to a 34" waist without even trying too thinking about that. Couldn't trust my wife to be honest in that "area"

I never compared my wife to OW AT ALL. OW meant nothing to me. I couldn't even remember what her face looked like a week later. If I think about that night for too long I can make myself physically sick with guilt, shame and remorse. Still, that didn't keep my wife from wondering about comparison I'm sure.



3) How do I overcome thinking she is comparing me as a kisser to him?

I know that sounds so juvenile.

Also, she said no sex but only God and the 2 of them know for sure.


-Not juvenile at all. Your emotions are real man. I guess I kinda answered this above already, but I wasn't even really worried about kissing being compared. I know how my wife is in bed, I was wondering if she did with him all the things she did with me. This is what was responsible for at least 30 lbs of weight loss. Cell phone logs took care of the rest wondering what they talked about so much in between visits.




4) How do I, well you know, keep from thinking the same thing about sex when she says they did not?


-Her affair got me back into the shape I was in my Navy days. I got rid of glasses and started wearing eye contacts. I looked at least 10-15 yrs younger within six months. Everybody wanted to know how I did it...if only they knew!

But what I'm getting at is my wife saw this too and that somehow made me start thinking less and less about the sex comparisons and stuff. Heck when I first found out about her affair we spent the first 30 days fighting and screwing all day long. It was a very strange time. Then those nasty mental images started controlling my days. I could barely work during that time.



5) How long did it take for BS to start feeling some trust again?

-I use to have blind trust. It took me about 7 months to trust her again, but I don't think blind trust will ever come back. However, that's probably a good thing.

She still doesn't trust me because my ONS happened much more recently. But I make myself an open book to her. That includes keylogging my work pc.



6) Is it normal for WS to not want physical contact, ie hugs, kissing, cuddling during withdrawel? She says she does not want to hurt me by not responding, but she feels like she is being forced to respond by me giving her a token huge or peck on the lips.

-After my ONS I felt unworthy of my wife's touch. I felt vile and nasty. I believe what I did was far worse than my wife's affair because I knew the pain it caused the betrayed, yet I still did it. I made myself fall off the wagon to go through with it. I called my wife sobbing like a baby within hours of leaving the motel and confessed to her.

So I think it can be very normal, yes, to not want contact. It was for me. Didn't have a single thing to do with really not wanting the contact, I just didn't feel worthy of it. On the first night I came back to bed, I lay down beside her and she snuggled up against me and I cried hoping she wouldn't notice because I know how the BS mind can read into things.

My wife otoh wanted to keep contact right after I discovered her affair. It was like she was clinging to me. She also became suicidal and spent some time in a hospital. I guess really it depends on the person. You wife may feel like I did, so you may just want to let her feel better about herself for awhile and see what happens. She'll come to touching soon enough when she feels good inside again.

Thanks for each one of you responding. It gives me some insight. Some nights or morning she shows a little sign of affection or love. Not much but a little. None at all this morning.

We have both slept in the buff for 20+ yrs. 4 yrs ago when this happened she would wear pjs and gowns to bed. That lasted for about 2 months but we still had sex. Some pretty entense sex. It was an EA last time and the guy died (well before D-day, about 2 yrs in fact).

This time EA and PA (with no sex, supposedly). OM this time is very much alive but lives 4 1/2 hrs away. I believe NC is in place. She seems normal at times, but absolutely no affection. Wears gowns or pjs to bed again, but no sex at all. No kissing. She says it makes her irritated.

I guess that is why I asked the questions.

She told me today that I was driving her nutty trying to do all kinda stuff for her. She felt like I was trying to earn her love. Duh !!! I did not comment. Anyway, I guess I just needed to vent. I hear the bath water running now. We used to take 3 or 4 baths together a week and talk, Really just talk. No more.

I really miss my wife and best friend. This hurts so bad. I wish the AD's would make the hurt go away.

Another long Saturday night.