My D isn't final yet so the whole dating thing isn't an issue right now. I have been thinking about it more lately because I am emotionally ready to date again (when I choose to).

I can see how difficult it is going to be to have a serious relationship with someone. I have kids to raise and they need me to be there. I think I would feel too guilty giving someone else the time needed to have a good relationship. It would naturally fall by the wayside at some point from the natural progression, it seems to me.

I enjoy going out with friends and meeting new people. I have met several women who I think I could ask out and get a positive response from, but then I think, why bother even going there? What would be the point?

I always scoff at my STBX when she accuses me of being selfish when it comes to the kids. It would be more selfish of me to put the kids into a situation that is not in there best interest just so I would have the time to pursue a relationship with someone. That's exactly what WS do, isn't it?

I know a lot of you have been through the same kind of thing. Has the reality been any different than what you thought it would be? Have any of you thought that you would not want to be in a casual relationship and then found out it was better than you imagined?

I hope this doesn't come across as me having a pity party for myself. I am actually happy with my life just the way it is. I don't need a relationship to be content. That's one of the reasons why I know I am ready to have one if I choose to. I have learned so much from MB over the last few years, I'm looking forward to having the chance at trying again with someone. Kind of like my kids got when they found out I was taking them to Disney World a few months ago!

Thoughts?
starman

I'm in a casual relationship and it's nice, but I know this isn't all a relationship can be. For now, I'm just enjoying going out and having fun on my time (kids not involved). However, my house could be alot cleaner if I used dating time for that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Starman,

I generally see my beau one weeknight and then spend a day or more together on the weekend. We've grown very attached and have been together almost 1 1/2 years. Working around the kids is hard - but he doesn't have any himself, so we can always find privacy at his house. I personally am tired all the time from taking care of the kids 24/7 and then running around with him any free time that I have.

Casual relationships don't always stay casual, you know. The hardest part for me right now is the emotional pain of being apart from him when I would rather be together with him. My love bank totters on the edge of bankruptcy most of the time because we just don't spend enough time together.

Personally, I think that some people that are very selfish like to accuse other people of being selfish as a means of getting their own way. Don't believe what she told you - take your own measure of your worth.

V.

Not sure how long you've been separated but be wary of whether you are actually emotionally ready to date again. Many of us have felt the same way - only to learn after the fact that we weren't really ready. Everyone is different though.


Agreed. Often times, we as the "stable parent" underestimate how these situations affect our kids. Therefore we consider their lives to be the same as before the affair/divorce, etc. And their lives are not the same. Most often our kids are greatly affected; the wayward parent wants to believe their kids are "fine" for their own agenda, and we are left to deal with our kids mixed up world. (In addition to our own.) So yes, you are correct in that it's difficult to have a serious relationship. Not impossible, but definitely different.


I feel that interaction is a good thing; as long as you establish healthy boundaries - and stay within those boundaries. Conversely; I feel it is unhealthy not to interact.


LOL! I'm laughing with you, not at you. It's common for WS to fire the "selfish arrow” in all directions except their own. Some of the accusations of selfishness are laughable, others are ludicrous and sad. You'll learn to shake the "selfish arrows" off like water shakes off a duck's back.



For me – the enormity of how much my DD needed for me to be there for her has been more than I anticipated. Not complaining mind you – I just did not anticipate the extent of her needs. Her counselor suggests that the affair and divorce set her back 2 years in social and emotional development and I agree. I am currently in no relationship, go out with friends and am very happy with that. I do not care much for “casual” relationships because my history has shown that one or the other always desires for there to be “more”. However many on here have had (and are having) successful casual relationships.


No thought of a pity party. All good questions and concerns. Just remember that our kids are the most innocent in all of this – and regardless of what STBX says, they have been and are deeply affected. They need you (and your time) more than you might imagine.

Good Luck

Sorry I've taken so long to respond, computer problems mostly. My youngest boy has yet to understand that you can't download everything that looks COOL.

newly,
I could see myself enjoying a more casual relationship. There are a lot of people who are in the same kind of situation I'm in so it could happen.

sunny,
The pull of eventually wanting more than a casual relationship is something that worries me about getting into one in the first place. I know that it will be years before I would be in a position to have anything more so I wonder if it would be worth the trouble for me.

Fishracer,
We've been separated almost three years now. You're warning about the tricks our emotions can play on us is right on. Several times I have felt like I've made it over the hump, only to have myself come crashing back down. We'll see how I feel after the D becomes final.

You're also right about the kids. My kids don't like to talk about the situation much and I sometimes wonder if I should be more proactive in getting them to discuss their feelings with me. I do know that they need my time and reassurance much more than I need to be giving it to someone else right now.

Thanks everyone,
starman