Can someone please tell me what is plan A and/or plan B?

I hear it refered to but don't really get it.

Thanks!

Never mind I scrolled down and found an almost identical post.

So new question. Do these plans work? How many people here used them and did they work, how long, etc.

Sorry a million questions and not enough time.

I think they work. I didn't even know about them during our separation #1, but inadvertently did a Plan A (told him I loved him, wanted to work on the M, wouldn't tolerate the continuance of the A while he lived at home or would be with me, and worked on my own issues/problems in the marriage while we were apart, avoided lovebusters, listened a lot)
There are some things I would have done differently or improved upon looking back if I had known about MB:
#1) Exposed the A to his boss, HR, and OWH and kept in regular contact with all 3 about OW's ongoing lies and shenanigans
#2) Confronted OW after the first recovery when she started pulling her b*llsh*t with H while they continued working together
#3) He should have quit his job when he ended the A the first time
#4) I would have posted here more and told fewer people in my real life (support is great, but in recovery I sometimes wish I had kept things a little quieter...)

Plan A for 2 months after D-Day; then Plan B for 1 week; then recovery for 2 months; then relapse for 2 months when I didn't know; then a month of holiday he[l, then a month of Plan B Dobson-style, then Plan B/D for a couple weeks. All in all, it was about a year from the beginning of the EA, to him quitting his job after the relapse. The timelines vary for everyone. Nothing is foolproof, Danie, but these plans give you as good of a shot at saving your M as anything else.

Ok so I fianlly read the material! I know- should have read it a long time ago!

Well, it seems to me that yes indeed I put these plans into place w/ out realising it. But I jumped the gun by asking H to leave the house. He left, carried on w/ ow, ended it w/ ow and is now home.

H swares that he didn't start sleeping w/ her until well after he was out of the house. But the thing is that he was 'infatuated' w/her. And he made excuses to go to see her. I still get very angry thinking about that- it's been almost one year now from the begining of this mess. I still hurt. I still cry. I still am not sure if this M is going to continue.

So I can't post a lot now. but will post more later.

It's later.

It is really unbelievable how many things run thru a person's mind when the ****** hits the fan.

I was a mess. A total mess. But I regained myself- thru sheer will power. I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and began the work to 'move on' w/ out him.

Finally when I had enough, and he KNEW I had enough, he began the work to come home. I was at the point of moving on, so I never told him to do this or that- he did it on his own. So he cut off all contact w/ow. he moved home. I wonder if I should have waited a while longer before H moved back home. I was just so happy to have him home.

We are still 'dealing' w/ the mess. At the moment we are dealing w/ ourselves internally. Still having a great time and talking, laughing, all that comes w/ marriage; yes including the bad things too (such is life). We continued to have a good time during the time he was gone- I guess I am guilty of letting him become a 'cake man' becasue I was unwilling to let go at that time.

So very slowly we are talking. Getting some things (old resentments) that have built up over time out in the open and dealing w/ them. VERY slowly- I don't think that this can be done any other way, not for us.

So am I still in the right spot? Or do I move on over to the 'Recovery' section of this fourm? It is so good to have a safe place to get all of this out. Thanks.

my question is how long do you give your S to lose the OP. Plan A sayings getting rid of OP and losing all contact right away is ideal, but how long do you give before you say forget it i'm not a doormat. I'm really thinking right now to give my S the OP or us choice. I feel I cant make headway in recovery with him there, even though they are just "friends". yeah right. but i don't want to through the marriage away when our situation is very very fixable.

I have questions on that too..how long do you give it before you forget it. I read somewhere something about the BS contacting the OP...My husband and I have thankfully moved to the honesty part of all this and he is openly sharing the things he talked to her about and wrote to her about. He says that they mistakenly started their relationship thinking it was about sex..which they didnt have..but then realized it was more about friendship. He is still in contact with her sometimes through email, but has told me he will tell me if they correspond. I am waiting to see if his actions match his words. We also discussed me sending her an email...he waanted to read it if i do. RIght now she isnt talking to him and I sort of want to let sleeping dogs lie, but I am wanting to know when/if it is appropriate for me to contact her. I sort of think she needs to know he and I are being open with each other concerning her. I can't find the article or reference I read just yesterday , though.

He did in fact send her a sort of "ending" email last week, but I was not allowed to see it so I do not know what was said...I do know that when I snooped his email after I got suspicious that the subject of his letter said something concerning missing her and it wasn't "forever"..which doesn't much sound like go away to me. And she did respond to him with something along the lines of "I am glad you are finding peace in your life." So I dont' know.

my question is how long do you give your S to lose the OP.

how long do you give it before you forget it
2.5 years.

Read the links below.

I think MB wisdom/advice would say move home (or never separate) and start meeting each other's needs AS SOON AS no contact with OW is firmly in place (including a no contact letter to OW from your H). I agree with you actually that waiting a bit feels like the right "punishment" so that they realize what they stand to lose... but the Harleys know a lot more than me, so I would say I think you did the right thing. Then the next step is marriage counseling and doing the EN and LB questionnaires. Have you done all that?


What does that mean??? Not in MC????

Again, MC! Do you know your top 5 ENs and his, and specifically how to meet them? Have the two of you worked on Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA)? Have you read about the giver & the taker and become aware of when each is operating within you?

If complete No Contact has happened and continues... I think you're doing great and ready to move over to Recovery and General Questions II - good luck and CONGRATULATIONS! The greatest threat to your marriage at this point is a relapse I think, so just make sure you understand the importance of No Contact with OW for your H. Have you read "Surviving an Affair" and put new boundaries on your marriage?

MSA