I posted this on my own thread but thought I might get more of a response if I started this on another thread...

I sent the NC letter about two weeks ago. OM keeps calling and leaving messages. First it was he didn't understand what was going on. Now he is telling me that he loves me, wants to marry me, he needs me ... blah blah blah.

I don't want to call him to tell him to stop, because that would mean I would have to talk to him, and I don't want to do that. For whatever reason, it makes me uneasy to think of my H calling him though.

I mean, clearly OM is not being completely rational right now, so who knows what he would say. If he said things that were true, I wouldn't worry because I have been honest with my H. But he hasn't been respectful of what I asked, so why would he be respectful in talking to my H? What is to stop him from embellishing or making things up just to hurt my H?

I have been honest with my H every time OM contacts me, and my H hasn't done anything about it. But when I told him this morning, he told me to give him OM's number. When I told my H that I wanted to handle this the best way for US and that I wanted to talk to someone, he said we didn't need to do that. I needed to give him the number or he was going to get it from an old cell phone bill. My H refused to listen to me, and I felt very disrespected. I am trying to get my H to understand that I am not trying to protect OM ... I am only trying to protect him.

What should I do?

Give him the number. if you don't he believes you have something to hide. What is there to hide? If you want NC...maybe your H can reinforce this to OM.

Can you not change your phone number so that he cannot call you?

Realize that your H was probably pretty hurt by the fact that OM is continuing to push this. While I wouldn't expect it to be a very 'good' conversation between them, it might well be worth it to let your H vent on OM...maybe it will get him to have some understanding of where you two are in recovery. If nothing else, it's still a demonstration to your H that you're willing to work with him to recover your M. While you wanted to HELP your H by not having him talk with OM, he probably didn't feel that that's what you meant...he probably felt like you didn't want him to talk with OM because there may be something to hide...not saying that you're lying to him, I'm saying that his trust is likely strained to a point where it's not easy for him.

Regardless, I think you've done a great job by keeping him informed when OM calls, and I really do hope that this works out well for you all.

Hi,
I would change all phone numbers that FOM knows..cell phone(s), home phones, etc. Change e-mail addresses. Screen your calls at work and do not return any calls from FOM. Ask your work if you can change your number if possible. Block work e-mail from any of FOM's addresses.

Is FOM married? If so, have your H contact his W. If FOM works, contact his employer if he is using work resources to contact you inappropriately.

I'd let H call FOM too. What are you worried about there?

In no circumstances should you contact FOM. It's over and you've communicated that. Have H mail another stronger NC letter if you think it will help.

I know it's tempting, but try not to care about FOM or what he thinks, or try and soften things for him. It really is for his benefit too, you know....to be out of an A. The stronger you sever those ties, the quicker he moves on with his recovery.

Good luck!
GS

I told OM a long time ago that my cell phone broke and I didn't have the money to get a new one, so he has not called my cell phone in months. That was my first attempt at NC without actually having to ask for it. (Well, not the first, but that's another story).

He calls me at work. I never answer. He calls my voicemail and not my direct extension anyway. (He is not the brightest guy). I can't change my number there though. I am a teacher and extensions are assigned to rooms, and that's that. And even if I could somehow convince my principal to spend the nonexistent money to have someone come out and get the number changed, it would then have to be published on the school website and FOM could find it there, which I suspect is how he got it in the first place.

FOM is not married, so that is no help.

The thing that worries me is that my H is not sure if he wants reconciliation. In fact, he often seems to be leaning more toward D than anything else. He has already filed, but somedays he is unsure.

I am not worried about what my H wants to say to FOM. This man does not deserve any sort of respect, kindness, or dignity. And although I am uncomfortable about FOM telling H about how much he loves me and any details about the affair, I am not worried because I have been upfront and honest with H. What does concern me is that FOM may be so upset that he will try and get back at me or my H by making things up. And my H's trust in me so fragile, or probably nonexistent, that hearing something might be enough for him to say "this isn't worth it." I know my H has the right to D me, but if he does, it should be because of my own actions and not someone else's.

I will not under any circumstances contact OM. And I am not concerned about his feelings. H could call him whatever name he wants as far as I am concerned.

cinnymd,

Tell your principal that you are getting harrassing phone calls. Your telephone company has an entire department whose job it is to follow up on complaints such as yours.

Well, here's an idea for you. Go ahead and give your husband the OMs number, but also tell him exactly why you don't want him to call OM. I mean exactly what you told us here. The truth. That you've told him the truth, been honest with him, that you think you've told him everything, and that you're willing to continue answering his questions honestly. But that because of the way the OM is acting, because he is not taking your attempts at NC very well, you're afraid he will tell lies in an attempt to cause further problems between you and BH. And tell him that you're very afraid that he (BH) will believe any lies OM tells, because right now, BH very understandably doesn't trust you very much. That you haven't had time to build back the trust you need for him to believe you on all this.\

Tell him flat out that you are willing to own up and take responsibility for the lies you've told and the mistakes you've made. But that now that you're trying to make things right, you're afraid you'll have to continue paying because OM won't go away, and you won't get the chance to make things right again.

There's no guarantee in all of that. But someone who has been cheated on and lied to this way wants the truth more than anything. Along with sincere regret. Don't just be afraid about this - help him understand why it makes you afraid. And be honest with him. If OM tells him something that is true, be honest with him about it.

Cym,

Again, even if I did that, he could still get the number online. And even if somehow I managed to get out of that ... you can call the main number and hit a button to get the staff directory and are then directly connected to voicemail. There is really no way of getting out of him having access to my work number. It's a public school. My phone number is public knowledge.

Then there is all of the other stuff that goes along with getting a new phone number ... printing out new staff directories for the whole staff, getting new business cards, letting all of my parents know my new extension.

I had also mentioned something to my H awhile ago about changing my cell phone number and the home number and he thought that was a waste.

Hi again,
Cymanca had a good idea there.

As long as you try and stand in between your H and FOM, the more distrust will grow in your H. If it were me, I would stand behind your H wanting to call, and also share your concerns with him about your fears. Start the conversation though with: "I don't want these calls from FOM, I wish I could stop them but I can't, and however you can help stop them, I would be appreciative." Then tell him your fears about how much talking to FOM might upset H. If he decides to do it, DO NOT stand in his way. Be supportive.

More than anything, your H probably needs to feel you are on his side and you have nothing to hide. These kind of challenges can build trust, not deter it, depending upon how you handle it. You can't live in complete paralysis that your H will divorce you if things do not go just right.

All you can do is be transparent, honest and show him how much you love him above it all.
GS

Build the trust. Tell your husband your concerns as everyone said above. It's better to give your husband the number and let him see the trust. After all he did say he could go get the number if he wanted to so in a way he way trying to say I want you to trust me.

I ended up sending H the number in a text message and sent several text messages explaining my fears and concerns. (I did it in a text message because when I tried calling him earlier to explain, he ignored my phone call because he didn't want to talk about it).

I am still really afraid of what FOM might say. My H is still incredibly unsure of whether or not I am worth the effort of R. Our relationship is so fragile that I struggle with trusting God to work things out according to His will.

Cindy you said you the most honest thing you could,

I struggle with trusting God to work things out according to His Will.

If anyone of us said 100% I trust God we would be liars. The truth is we all have a part of us that has reservations about the work God will do in our lives. When the man came to Jesus to have his daughter healed he asked Jesus to heal her if He could. Jesus said, If I can? All things are possible to those who believe. The man said, I believe, help my unbelief. I know I am recalling that from memory, but the man understood that there was a piece of him that doubted. Jesus acknowledged that the man was honest with his feelings and that is what He wanted and He healed the man's daugther. Cindy continue to be honest with your feelings, that is what God desires. And even the honesty with your husband while scarey will be something that builds trust.

Cinny,

You missed a huge opportunity don't do it again. You should let your H deal with this. He has an interest in NC. Further, he NEEDS to be there for you or what value does he have to you. You don't understand when you did not give him that number, it seemed that you were protecting OM, and worse that you did NOT trust your H to protect you.

I am glad you gave your H the number, but I think you two need to talk. When your H can help you, and he offers ACCEPT it every time. Your affair made him feel replaced, you rejecting his offer of help, makes him feel useless. Give the man a chance to be what you always say you want...YOUR H.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Uh oh, askme ... something you said hit a nerve with me. A lot has been said to be since I joined this forum, and sometimes it is things I don't want to hear, but I listen.

You called me "Cindy." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


"cinny" actually comes from my H's bizarre mind. My name is Alyson and he took the "son" and formed cinny one day. I still don't get it, but it's cute.

I think people saying "cindy" bugs me, because even my mom does it, and she knows my name! Of course, my mom is something else all on her own. Check out my thread (cinnymd) to find out more information about that.

JL,

I wanted to talk about it. I was never rejecting my H's suggestion. I was just asking that he put it off until we could about. All of our conversation took place over text messages while I was at work.

You said that we need to talk, and I completely agree with you. But H is in the mindset right now that if I say we need to talk, I had better come with an agenda of topics to discuss (which I of course will have to give him in a text message first). So what do you suggest I offer him?

A letter from an attorney asking him to stop or else legal action will be taken will possibly make him get the idea. He may be mentall unstable and needs intervention from the law. Your words haven't taken affect so get someone else to do it for you.

H has actually talked about threating to go to the court and get a restraining order and then sending it to his commanding officer, or whatever they are called. FOM is in the Marines.

Good. Informing his commanding officer should stop the harrassment.

cinnymd,


Quote:

Again, even if I did that, he could still get the number online. And even if somehow I managed to get out of that ... you can call the main number and hit a button to get the staff directory and are then directly connected to voicemail. There is really no way of getting out of him having access to my work number. It's a public school. My phone number is public knowledge.

Then there is all of the other stuff that goes along with getting a new phone number ... printing out new staff directories for the whole staff, getting new business cards, letting all of my parents know my new extension.




I am sorry, perhaps I did not make my point clearly. By reporting to your principal and he/she going to the telephone company, no numbers will need to be changed . They will warn the OM to stop ASAP or risk being arrested for criminal harassment.

The risk of being arrested that can result from this action would be devastating to anyone let alone a marine.