Earlier in the week I had plans to go out of town tomorrow & spend the night away. I had e-mailed my meidary(sp?) on Sunday and briefly mentioned that I had plans to do that.

Well, I learned from DS that WH found out we were going out of town. I figured WH had thoughts of spending the night here while we were gone. I had been toying with the idea of just staying here, having a yard sale, etc. & e-mailed my mediary last night telling her I was now unsure of my plans....

Received a call a little bit ago that she just read my e-mail and that WH had planned on coming by here to get some things tomorrow & stay the night.

I have not changed out the locks(Again, just something I am having trouble with). Charlie is out of town so I cannot reach him to tell him I DO NOT want WH in the house.

I am trying to decide whether to stay in town just so WH can't get in the house. I know I can't do this every time I plan a trip.......I need to be picky with the info I give my mediary.

Should I stay or should I go????

My sister would like for me to come as she wants everybody to go out to dinner for her oldest child's birthday. She said she would understand though if I didn't come( she knows all about the A).

Thanks!

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS age 6
Married 13 years
Plan B 10-11-05 one phone setback

Hi Kim,


You are in a tough predicament. Could you have a friend or someone stay there while you are gone?

I would hate to see you miss your trip, but....

If you do go, I would hide all important papers, or take them with you.

Love, Lady

I don't really have anyone who would stay here. And I haven't really stated my boundaries firm enough to Charlie as communication for WH to stay out.....

One reason I was planning on staying was b/c of gas prices!! It's going to cost me to drive down there.....I was kind of going to see what I made from the yard sale. I am really trying to plan a strict budget so I can pay off my CC debt...

Kim

If you don't feel comfortable with H coming there and staying the night, you may have to stay home. He shouldn't as others have said have the right to be there, it gives him his fix of home. But I know he pays some of the mortgage and you may feel obligated to allow him to stay there, that is why you haven't communicated for him to stay out.

He acts as though he is entitled to stay there.

Thanks for you post Lady.....I will have to think on it some more. The thought of him spending then night in this house sickens me. Especially if he sleeps in MY bed.

Kim

Change the locks and change them now. You can probably call a locksmith now and he'll be there in an hour. It cost me about $85. The guy I used gave me a 10% emergency change discount. Locksmiths understand about the spouse thing.

Your WH does not need to be in your house. Don't let him in. Part of it is the principal. Part of it is that he just doesn't belong in there. Part of it is that you have no idea what he will do if he's there.

I resisted changing the locks in my house for a long time, too. It's amazing how much more piece of mind you have once you finally do it.

Don't cancel your trip but don't let him in either.

Here's what I think I will do - drive the 1 1/2 hours to the dinner & then come back home for the night. THat way I don't miss the dinner. I will miss spending more time with my Mom and Dad, but I really feel like I need to keep him out of the house.

I am going to have to let Charlie know that WH is not to spend the night here EVER again until his A is OVER. I cannot keep guarding the house like this. I do not want this home to get his adulterous stench in here.

Kim

Here's another thought.....I have an alarm system here. I have not been using it, but I could set the alarm when I go & change the passcodes!!!!!!! The police would show up here & question him!!

Now, that would be mean.

Grape, I know I need to change the locks. I know all of you are right. I am TRYING to listen.

Kim

Kim, I think that is a great idea, but what if he comes to the house before you get back. What are you going to do if you are confronted with him in the house when you get home?

I will communicate to Sara that I am going to a dinner and that I will be back later in the evening. WH will be gone before I get back.

Kim

You might want to check with your Homedepot to see if you can take your doorknobs to them to get rekeyed. I know for a new door it's only $5 a lock. It's just a matter of unscrewing the knobs a pulling the off.

why oh why is your intermediary telling your wh your plans? He doesn't need to know what you are doing at all. It's none of his business!

I guess she was telling him that in case he was planning on visiting with DS over the weekend.

I just need to tell her a visitation schedule without explanation. She is a friend of mine so I do kind of tell her about what's going on in my life........

She called me last night to see if I had decided & I told her no. I said I have had so much going on this week that I really don't know what I'm doing. I told her I was going to dinner, but would probably be back for the night.

She said "Well, WH kind of said that you need to stick to your plans just like you expect him to stick to his."

WH is trying to manipulate her!!!!! I am going to have to have a talk with her.

I am trying to keep things very neutral regarding our sitch when I talk to our friends so they won't get pulled into the "drama" of this whole thing. WH is not.

& I am not the one having an A. I am entitled to change my mind regarding my plans.

Kim

Kim, I agree that you should just send over a strict visitation schedule and stick to it. But you must have Charlie tell him that he is not to come in the house anymore. That is what has caused all this.

Basically, he has a point about sticking to your plans, however, when you made those plans you did not envision him coming over and spending the night. And possibly bringing the OW in the house.

That is true. And that is why I'm communicating a possible change of plans. I don't want OW in the house & I don't know that WH won't bring her in. I don't believe he will.....OWH seems to still be in the mode of trying to make sure there is no contact.

Kim

Kim, don't believe for a minute that he wouldn't bring the OW in your house. A WS in an affair will do lots of things you would never expect. Bubba Confucious say: never give a liar the benefit of the doubt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Kim, since you and live in the same local area, if you need any help whatsoever changing locks, send me an email. I'll be glad to help. I did my own and have all the tools. It's not difficult. If you buy new deadbolts you can get them at Lowe's. Heck, I'll even go with you to pick them out if you like.

That's if you decide to go that route in the future. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just call me Ms. ToolTime <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Kimberly, there is one thing I don’t like about this: you are allowing WH to control your life.

If you don’t want him in the house take control.

Gather his stuff and place in somewhere he can get to it without entering the house. Do you have a garage that could be left unlocked or a key at the neighbors? Would the neighbour lend you his garrage for a day?

Get the message to him you don’t want him in the house.

Change the locks. It’s easy. Takes you less than an hour and only need a screwdriver. Get two flies in one blow and offer a cute handyman a date for changing the locks.

Leave a message on the door that he can get the keys at a friend’s house (your friend that is) and make it clear the friend is to lock up after him.

Just anything other than allowing HIM to CONTROL your agenda.

Then go and have a great time.

Stop - Thanks for the offer!!! I just might be taking you up on that soon.......

I'd like to meet up with you anyway!!

Bigger - I know everyone here is right about the locks. I just have a thick skull. It is allowing WH to still control my life. I do like the idea of giving the keys to a neighbor & having them lock up after WH is gone!!!!!!! That is something I will seriously consider. But, that does give him his house fix which is what everybody is saying WH should NOT be getting. He doesn't need to be in the house period.

Kim

Agree!