I came here for help, but it's become obvious that the majority of people who are active in this forum, are here to support the ones who have been cheated on, not the cheaters. I of course will thank Airheart, he seems to be the only one who genuinely cared, and took the time to be sympathetic to my needs and at least tried to help me in any way he could. As for you TNT, I didn't appreciate your statements about STD's one bit. Yes, I've cheated on my H, but what gives you the idea that I would be irresponsible about it? I've made a mistake, doesn't mean I'm a slut. It's people like you TNT, who aren't compassionate to one's needs that turn people away, like me. I thought this was going to be a good place to get help for myself, and information to help my husband cope with our problems, but I was wrong. It's a clique here and I just don't fit in. I have edited all my messages out, just carry on like I was never here, which shouldn't be too hard for many of you. Bye.

Benna,<P>I think you may have misunderstood TNT's intent on her posts? (or maybe I did). I thought she was mentioning STD's because of your husband's behavior, not yours.<P>But that's beside the point. There are many other people on this site who have compassion. Don't give up so easily, and don't be put off by the angry posts you might be reading. Right now there seems to be some hostility going around, but you shouldn't let it bother you. There are others who are supportive. I'm not sure why more people didn't respond to your other posts...<P>And even if you don't post, at least stick around and read... Sorry you feel so out of place... <P>--andy

I too have compassion for the wayward spouse. I'll never again feel superior, or better than anyone again. You are human. We care for all humans. Compassion has to come from all of us. If you haven't heard lately, God still loves you. Many on this board hear His words and love and ofer you compassion too. We all try the best we can. Don't give up yet. Don't let a misconstued tought or word take you from "friends".<P>Jim

Benna - <P>Please don't leave!!! Just because you don't get immediate responses on your threads doesn't mean that nobody cares for you. Please believe me that I understand your perception that this forum is a "clique". I felt the same way for several weeks. What we must keep in mind is that there are many individuals who have been here for a long time...some even go back a year. I've found that there is a natural progression in the course of an affair. It always begins with discovery.<P>Probably 75% of the posters here are the betrayed. That is because they are the ones who suffer first and (I assume) the most. Throughout the entire affair, the betrayed HURT and HURT BADLY. The betrayers have the "benefit" of at least experiencing the intoxicating effect of the affair before they crash and burn. You'll rarely get a current betrayer on the forum. Most of the betrayers here are former betrayers and are typically VERY repentent of their actions.<P>This infidelity thing is what we all have in common. But as is normal human nature, we tend to congregate around those we know best. I've found that best way to get people to respond to your dries for help is to respond to others in need. It's incredibly fulfilling to give to others when all you feel you need is to take. I'm NOT accusing you of being a taker, but I found that it takes a long time for others to respond at length to new posters.<P>Remember grade school? Were you ever the "new kid"? I was several times and the reaction is the same. Until they get to know you, you feel a bit on the "outside".<P>Most everyone on this forum is kind, loving and extremely supportive. Please give us a chance to help you. I am a betrayed H...my W is still DEEP into her fantasy and it looks like she may never return. As a betrayer, I can certainly learn a lot from you as you may be able to get a perspective of what it's like to be betrayed from me.<P>Please allow me to help. In turn, I need you to help me too. Please don't go!!!

Wow, Benna. I didn't even realize you were looking for help from us fellow "creeps" (thank you elixir).<P>I'm here too. More than willing to lend an ear ... I'm having a bit of trouble myself, as you might have seen from my postings.<P>

Thanx again Airheart...you seem to be the only one who does post, to me anyways! Perhaps I did misunderstand TNT, I apologize for that. I guess me adding to the hostility isn't helping much, but I'm confused, and hurt and feel out of place here. I'm just looking for some guidance, and no one seems to be willing to help me out here, but you.<BR>I'm used to being alone in this world, I'll survive one way or the other. Maybe it's because I'm the cheater here, or the only one in this relationship who's owning up to cheating anyways....so the people here who have been betrayed by their spouse maybe shun against me for that...I don't know. I was excited to find this site, thinking someone out there would be able to relate and help me thru this, but my hopes were wrong. I'll read, but I don't know if I'll post anymore, it just seems to add to the rejection I'm going to feel once my H finds out my awful secret, and I don't think I can deal with that right now.

Benna,<P>I don't know your story and I'm sorry. I've been so caught in myself. I'm not in good place to be giving advice, mostly I come here for help and there are lots of wonderful, caring people here. I have also noticed alot of anger here, which I understand completely as the betrayer, but it makes me hestitate to voice my problems for I'm afraid of what I'll hear. <P>But, I do feel it really is a wonderful source to let your feelings out when you have no one to talk to. I feel I have "friends" here, don't give up, stay.

Thanx again Airheart...you seem to be the only one who does post, to me anyways! Perhaps I did misunderstand TNT, I apologize for that. I guess me adding to the hostility isn't helping much, but I'm confused, and hurt and feel out of place here. I'm just looking for some guidance, and no one seems to be willing to help me out here, but you.<BR>I'm used to being alone in this world, I'll survive one way or the other. Maybe it's because I'm the cheater here, or the only one in this relationship who's owning up to cheating anyways....so the people here who have been betrayed by their spouse maybe shun against me for that...I don't know. I was excited to find this site, thinking someone out there would be able to relate and help me thru this, but my hopes were wrong. I'll read, but I don't know if I'll post anymore, it just seems to add to the rejection I'm going to feel once my H finds out my awful secret, and I don't think I can deal with that right now.

I hope you're still reading Benna!<P>I'm sorry I didn't chime in on your threads before, but I've been hurting and posting my own stuff. I can be quite selfish at times. Forgive me.<P>Yes, it seems that there are those who only want to place blame. But there are a bunch of us who are remorseful betrayers (airheart, maya, holly, hummingbird, and me, to name a few) and we're all struggling with some of what's been posted lately. It doesn't mean we don't care, or that many, many betrayed (shattered, trustintruth, both have been very supportive of me, as well as many others I can't remember - sorry, old age ). This is a good place. Honest. <P>I've posted similiar feelings as you do. Sometimes I feel left out. Thing is: we have to get what we can and hold onto it. There is good here, I promise.<P>~Sheryl<P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

Benna,<P>Please don't leave. I am the betrayed here and I want you to stay. The fact that you have come here for help for you and yours husband is a good possitive thing and you will find it here.<P>I don't post replies much. I don't feel very qualified to answer most posts. Don't take it personally. I think if you look around here you will see that the same people reply to posts here. Thank God for them. They have helped me greatly.<P>How could I feel hostile to you being a betrayer when I love my husband who is a betrayer and am not hostile to him? Some people may be hostile but the majority won't be.<P>As someone else said in another thread that this is a good place for people to bring out their hostilities instead of bringing them out at home. I have to say that is a good thing...then they aren't love busting.<P>Stay here and enjoy the advise and wisdom of many on this forum. TNT for instance has helped me tons and tons...along with many of the others.<P>You too will be in my prayers and the salvation of your marriage.<P>Smile...you really are wanted here. We all have so much to learn from one another.<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Benna - Give it time. There is no one person that has answers for you or me out there. It takes time to find folks who share common problems. It takes time to understand people like me (a betrayed husband). It takes time to figure all this stuff out.<P>Your story has many similarities to others here so I know you can find help. I know you can come to understand what your husband is going through and will go through. there are some freshly hurt betrayed folks who will lash out at any betrayer in their path. You take the good with the bad. You gleam whatever information you need from everyones posts to help you through this and get to that one brass ring we are all hoping for - a happy marriage. <P>Don't give up on the forum. Keep trying. There are plenty here that will help. Give it time.<P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited September 28, 1999).]

I was an unfaithful spouse. Hoping to find support and encougarment through this forum. I am glad i read your letter I am too weak right now to have people hate me more than i hate myself. I'll read but not share <BR>thanks for your post.

Benna, Please stay, although I did not read the post you are talking about (will now) I don't believe TNT would say anything mean spirited. I am betrayed and also betrayed. Sometimes when something reminds me of what I have done, I react to it. If we sin at all we are guilty of it all. None of us are superior whether we are the betrayors or the betrayed. Jesus nailed every sin to the cross so that we can be free. We love you and welcome you to this foram, I'm sure I'm speaking for us all. Love, blessings and peace, Ginn<p>[This message has been edited by Ginn7777 (edited September 28, 1999).]

Benna:<P>No need to leave. Many times, when people don't post, they just don't know what to say.<P>I'm sorry you feel that no one is here to help you, but lumping us all into a category of not caring about betrayers is incorrect. I care very deeply for some betrayers here. As I've said before, Maya, RJR#2, DMac and Suse, and others too numerous to list, have been VERY helpful in assisting me in understanding why betrayals happen and what's going through a cheater's mind during the cheating.<P>If you don't get a lot of responses, please don't feel like we're ignoring you. Sometimes, I take days to respond because I like to think about the problem first.<P>As for TNT's comments about STD's, I think they were entirely appropriate. Cheating, in and of itself is irresponsible behavior. I don't consider my wife a slut either, but I made her take STD tests even though she was always careful to make her OM wear a condom. It doesn't matter if your OM wore 12 condoms, the possibility of an STD is still there. Take the advice and the observations with some perspective.<P>We're here to help, but sometimes it takes time and patience. You're going to hear some things you don't like or agree with. That happens in large forums where people have differing opinions. Try to have an open mind and see where others are coming from.<P>Despite what you think, it's NOT a clique here. Some of us have become kindred spirits and good friends because we've been here a while. If you stick around and post honestly and try to be tolerant of other people's opinions, you'll make some good friends here too.<P>I urge you to stick around and give it a try. We'll be your friends if you'll let us. <P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Come on, Benna, grow up a bit. Don't take your dollies and dishes and go home and sulk.<P>People here are VOLUNTEERS. We have lives, jobs, our own problems. Where we can, we help.<P>There are no cliques here. In case you haven't noticed, this is a pretty Christian group. I'm a blatant, unrepentant non-Christian, and you don't see anyone trying to kick ME out of here.

Benna I have noticed that you have reached out to help others so maybe you didn't get anything but you gave.<P>When the betrayed come to this board they are usually hurting the most as their betrayer is usually oblivious to any pain they are causing. Eventually when a betrayer comes to this board they are looking for help and are probably in worse pain than their betrayed. They also have to deal with the guilt for the pain they have caused their family and the pain they are causing their affair partner by ceasing the relationship. <P>When the married couple try to rebuild it is probably the betrayer who has bigger problems what with withdrawal and everything else. I do not feel qualified to answer most posts here as I am learning a lot from both betrayed and betrayers. Be patient with the betrayers, they do want to help, but they are going through a lot themselves.<P>We gain the best insights from those who are further along the path than ourselves, but remember they still have their own problems to deal with.

OKay, maybe the post about STD's was misinterpreted, but... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Yes, I've cheated on my H, but what gives you the idea that I would be irresponsible about it?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Isn't that an oxymoron? Responsible cheating?<P>Anyway, please stay here in the forum. It takes awhile for people to get to know your story. Yes we are helpful to those who betrayed and wish to listen.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited September 28, 1999).]

LOL, Chris. Thanks.<P>And you know what else, Benna? I take issue with your statement that the majority of people are on this website to help the betrayed spouse. I suggest you take a look at my two most recent posts.<P>I've gotten NOTHING BUT SUPPORT as I struggle with consequences of what I did last year.<P>Even betrayed spouses have offered support to me (and remember I'm the bad guy -- the CREEP).<P>Look again, Benna ....<p>[This message has been edited by Maya (edited September 28, 1999).]

Here are my replies from your other threads:<BR>***<BR>It just breaks my heart each time we have a new poster, and another marriage polluted with infidelity. <P>If you gotta face this, this is a good place to be. <BR>I'm glad you have ended your relationships with OM(s). By not ending it, you can't fix what is wrong with the marriage. <BR>Have you read the Basic Concept portion of this site? Because it gives a plan of actions that can make a difference in your marriage. And it only takes one spouse to get the ball rolling. <P>Have you identified your emotional needs? What about lovebusters. Are there a lot of that going around? And what they say about the accuser - (pot calling the kettle black) is hogwash. I was the one who accused my H, and I wasn't the one who was cheating. Not that my needs aren't being met either - but maybe because I wasn't in the 'wrong' place and the 'wrong time', and maybe he was. <P>I used to believe in my junior days that the only right to feel angry, and upset was the betrayed, and now after being on this board I realize it is a 2 way street. Both parties feel hurt and need to recover.<BR> <BR>Your marriage is worth fighting for. I think the first thing to do is to find out what is wrong, what is wrong with you, what is wrong with Husband, and what is wrong in the way you two interact. And the other thing is to find out what you both need, and do it. No lovebusters.<BR> <BR>No lovebusters means no angry outbursts, no disrespectful judgements, no fighting. <BR>Keep posting, it is the best therapy in the world.<P>***<BR>Yes you should tell him, but you should have some solutions towards recovery ready before you give him the unexpected news. <BR>I wrote to you on the other thread. <P>Andy is right, honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. <P>But you weren't just dishonest with your affair, you were dishonest with him about your boundaries. So, Brenna, you have some work to do to get your confidence back and set appropriate boundaries. <P>Go read your other thread for my response. <BR>There is a website for sexaddicts.com - you can get some material there to learn more about what you are up against. <P>Take care, okay? We care about you. <BR>TNT<P>***<BR>You certainly do have a complex situation, Andy is right. <P>First, I would make sure there aren't any lovebusters going on. And NO contact with any more men. This situation does not need to have any added complications. <P>Second, Read information on the site - Basic Concepts, and get some self help books for the sex addict. It is good that you understand what your husband and you are going through. <P>Third, Get rid of your counselor. Find one that believes that marriages can be saved, and one that will help you work past your problems in your marriage. You don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. <P>Fourth, Work on your self esteem. It seems you need your confidence back. Your confidence can help you communicate better with your husband about boundaries that you need. Communication skills, self esteem, and boundaries are all something that we can learn. <P>Fifth, Find out the laws in your area for your son, husband and self. You need to know facts, so you can't be intimidated or threatened. Have an escape plan prepared, in the event your husband goes wacko - and you need to have a safe environment. <P>Sixth, After developing a safe environment for escape if you need it, then you need to stage your confession. <P>Seventh, Offer your husband a solution to this problem. It is a real bummer to have a problem wham bam hit you in the face, and then - not have any idea where to go for help. Give him some ideas on how you think this can best work. <P>Eighth, if this all feels too overwhelming, then just take one step at a time - or call the counseling site on this forum. <P>How are you coping with all of this? Are you okay? Do you need to get checked for STD's? Do you need to start using protections during sex with your husband? <P>I'm no marriage counselor, believe me. But what I am is another person on this board who is dealing with past infidelity and am on the road to recovery. It is a roller coaster, for sure - but it will be worth it.<BR> <BR>God's peace to you.<BR>TNT<BR>***<BR>I am sorry that you thought that I was calling you a slut. I wasn't. I was referring about the STD - as asking you if you need to worry about them (because of your husband's sexual addiction.) I was just trying to give you some help, not judge you. <P>I know you are hurting. It is a big problem, this infidelity. I know you were scared to post here, I understand that. I was afraid too. I am sorry what I said offended you.<P>Please stay, and let's start all over, okay? We are a great group of people, who are willing to help one another. You will receive the support you need here. <P>I know you are sorry about your infidelity. It was a mistake, and you came here to get things back on track. I understand that. So, let's just start all over, okay?<P>TNT<p>[This message has been edited by trustntruth (edited September 28, 1999).]

Benna,<BR>This website is for building marriages. It is not to help the betrayed ALONE. To BUILD MARRIAGEs you have to help BOTH the betrayer and the betrayed.<P>We care about you. Sometimes you want to vent and that is okay also. We all, betrayed and betrayer, have our days when we only want to vent. Or there are those times when eloquence takes a vaction and the message gets lost somewhere in the middle. <P>We ALL are here to heal and make our marriages better than they were before. I only wish that I could get my W to come here and check it out. However, now would not be a good time for that. She would have a cow if she knew I was telling everyone here what has occurred between us. Maybe when she matures a little more will I mention it to her. <P>However, I am thankful for everyone here, betrayed and betrayer because it helps to get both sides to truly understand what the real issue is.<P>PLEASE STAY!!! MONDO HUG!!!!<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>