ray,
Hi there....glad you're sticking with this. I'd also like to commend you on the respectfulness with which you post. You mentioned that no one had given you guidelines for assessing risk in a friendship....but I
did earlier in this thread. These are from Shirley Glass...and I thought I would repost it here.
A platonic friendship, such as those that grow at work, edges into an emotional affair when three elements are present, Glass says:
* Emotional intimacy. Transgressors share more of their ''inner self, frustrations and triumphs than with their spouses. They are on a slippery slope when they begin sharing the dissatisfaction with their marriage with a friend.''
* Secrecy and deception. ''Their spouse may know about their friend, but they neglect to say, 'We meet every morning for coffee.' Once the lying starts, the intimacy shifts farther away from the marriage.''
* Sexual chemistry. Even though the two may not act on the chemistry, there is at least an unacknowledged sexual attraction.
From my understanding, you've been knowing your friend for many many years. There are a few people in your life that you will know for long enough that they become like family. I definitely have some male friends in my life who are in that category. They sometimes come to celebrate holidays. We talk from time to time....and they are welcomed in my home both by me, and my husband. However, I do not "confide" in them about my problems or ask for their help with my marriage. I don't do that with the rest of my family either. When my mother was alive....we used to talk about some things....but aside from that, I want my family (including these friends) to have high regard and loyalty to my husband. I do honestly believe that friendships like this pose LESS risk for marriage (
as long as they friends are ALSO friends with your spouse). Less risk is NOT NO risk....and I've posted the red flags above. When I say they aren't NO risk, it's because there are many instances on this board where affair partners have actually been family members. (<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> yes...icky I know) So it's important to have good marital boundaries even within your family. For instance, as a hypothetical, let's say you were confiding in your wife's sister because you needed a shoulder to cry on....you would get exactly the same advice: (Be careful and make some subjects off limits. Be aware of any sexual chemistry. If secrecy is involved or you need to lie or omit any information, they you are in endangering your marriage.)
When a person becomes emotionally disconnected with their spouse....and remains emotionally connected to someone else...risk goes way up. Sexually charged relationships are a huge risk....even if those feelings are not acknowledged or acted upon they creat an inner struggle that takes sexual energy from the marriage. And of course secrecy is a huge risk. Glass says....and I reiterated this for you on the other thread....that a good test is imagining whether your spouse would feel comfortable seeing a video tape or recording of your convos with other women. I'm not acusing you of anything....just offering this as a way to assess risk. If you can't be completely open and honest about your
complete involvement and feel the need to hide anything from your spouse...that's another good test. Again....not accusing....just offering some ways for you to assess risk.
One thing that bothers me though is that you mentioned that you talke to womEn
(plural). I'm less concerned about this particular friendship with Kristin than I am about the fact that you talk about how you don't have male friendships, and you tend to have female friendships because they can help you express yourself more tactfully. While Kristin may be a lifelong friend whose reached the status of "family" (but where I hope you will STILL must maintain good marital boundaries), I'm actually more concerned that if you don't understand the threat that opposite sex friendships can have....that your boundaries will be fuzzy in relationships that DO pose more threat. I'm not vilifying you, nor am I paranoid....but I've seen the results of situations where others didn't understand the risks....and often just innocently (at first) found themselves way over their heads emotionally with a friend....and failed to see it coming because they refused to acknowledge the risks involved in friendships that didn't include good boundaries.
Having good boundaries has not comprised or hurt my friendships with the men in my life....on the contrary...it's actually more comfortable...not just for me, but for my husband. Since my goal is to keep my marriage safe....I feel good about the level of intimacy with others that I truly think is healthy for my marriage. I have known people who were friends for years who "ignited" into other things. I like the example another poster gave about driving....you don't stop driving because their is risk...you just learn to be a "defensive" driver to decrease that risk. I'm suggesting you be a "defensive" friend and create good boundaries that don't include what you've called "crying on shoulders". Develop other avenues to explore those issues....like MB, or a counselor, or a religious leader, or another sympathetic man who thinks like you do.
Several folks have recommended Shirley Glass's book "Not Just Friends" and I want to second that. It will give you alot of the information....in a clear and expanded way...that many of us are trying to impart. It sounds to me, like you feel much more comfortable talking to women about your feelings....and I completely understand how some of the mushy stuff is hard to talk to other men about. It's one reason, that MB helps so many guys....because they can MORE "safely" spill their guts without risking the complexities that real life friendships with women include. And yet EVEN HERE....affairs have begun on this board. That's why the administrators have not enabled the "private messaging". Even so....some members chat and email offline (something most of us discourage, and so does SH)....and affairs have occurred....I personally know of several. If it can happen here in cyberspace without even face to face interaction, on a site dedicated to helping people resist affairs....it really can happen anywhere.
I met Steve Harley at the "Smart Marriage" conference a couple of years ago. He told me that he almost shut this site down because of some of the affairs that began here....he was mortified because it was so against the whole purpose of the board. But he realized that you can't realistically, completely, stop all "risk" and that the board does more good than harm IF folks remember to keep good boundaries. On the board, those boundaries would be things like: don't talk offline with the opposite sex members you meet here. I gave you some of good boundary guidelines for real life from Shirley Glass that I'll repost:
Seven Tips for Preventing Infidelity
1. Maintain appropriate walls and windows. Keep the windows open at home. Put up privacy walls with others who could threaten your marriage.
2. Recognize that work can be a danger zone. Don't lunch alone or take coffee breaks with the same person all the time. When you travel with a co-worker, meet in public rooms, not in a room with a bed.
3. Avoid emotional intimacy with attractive alternatives to your committed relationship. Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours his or her heart out to you.
4. Protect your marriage by discussing relationship issues at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure that person is a friend of the marriage. If the friend disparages marriage, respond with something positive about your own relationship.
5. Keep old flames from re-igniting. If a former lover is coming to the class reunion, invite your partner to come along. If you value your marriage, think twice about having lunch with an old flame.
6. Don't go over the line when you're On-Line with Internet friends. Discuss your online friendships with your partner and show him/her your e-mail if he/she is interested. Invite your partner to join in your correspondence so your Internet friend won't get any wrong ideas. Don't exchange sexual fantasies online.
7. Make sure your social network is supportive of your marriage. Surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who don't believe in fooling around.
In the end....this doesn't mean you can't have good friends or that you can't have rich and satisfying friendships. This isn't a "cage". The folks that follow these guidelines do so willingly with information about why doing so makes their lives and marriages better. Our spouses don't "impose" it on us....it is our choice and most of us feel that it is the most ethical choice if we wish to truly cherish and protect our spouses. It doesn't mean we aren't free to talk to men/women. It does mean we must protect our marriage from the kind of emotional/physical intimacy that should be limited to our relationship with our spouse. It doesn't feel restrictive....it actually feels liberating because it decreases worry, guilt and complications that frankly I don't need in my life. It also increases my feelings of self esteem and self respect because I feel good about these things that I do for my husband and myself.
