Hi all,
I cant seem to get back to my original post with all this trouble with the page not found thing, so I thought it would be easier to start again.
Heres the story so far.
09/11/03 - was going through my husbands mobile to find a phone number and saw that he had 5 calls from this female friend of ours the night before while he had been on night shift. i had been thinking that they spoke to each other a lot on the phone due to our common interest in dog showing and breeding but thought that phone calls in the middle of the night were not appropriate for 2 people that were just aquaintances. Confronted him when he woke up and was told, after at first denying everything, that something had happened, but nothing was going on now except phone calls. turns out that when he went to see her dogs on a work trip interstate that they had sex, it just happened, as he put it. I was devestated. I always thought that if I ever found out that he had cheated on me, that I would leave him in a heartbeat. well I didnt, I decided to trust him when he said it meant nothing and would never happen again. i made him ring her and tell her that he could never have any contact with her again. The next time he had to go away for work was:
Feb 2004 - he had to go away for work again which was something I was dreading after what had happened. I told him if he went I would leave him as I could not trust him, he said he had no choice but to go and eventually convinced me that everything was ok. He left on a Thursday and on the Sunday after he left I was talking to him on his mobile while he was in his hotel room. Unknown to him he did not hang up his phone properly, he was using a hands free kit and did not push the little button in far enough, therefore I could hear him talking to someone. I knew straight away that OW was with him and hung up the phone. I then called the hotel and got put through to his room. When he answered the phone I demanded to know who was there. He denied anyone was there at first but when I told him he had not disconnected his phone, he admitted that OW was there. To cut a long story short, he came home a few days later and I again accepted that it was all over. I spent the next few months being suspicious of everything he did and said and not really believing that he was telling me the truth. He spent those months being angry, supposedly because he was feeling guilty about what he had done, but in reality it was what was playing out behind the scenes that he was feeling guilty about.
20/09/04
Despite everything that had happened, things were going well, especially in the last couple of weeks. On the date of the above evening we received a phone call at home from a private number. Because my husband and I had both had a hard day at work we got our daughter to answer the phone and tell the female that had called asking for me that we were both out and she did not know when we were expected home. Not long after, my husband checked his work mobile and told me there was a problem at work and he had to go in. At this time I had already gone to bed but decided to go in to work with him when he asked me to. My husbands job is of a nature that only authorised personnel are allowed into the premises at all times. A couple of things that he told me over the next hour or so did not add up and I spent the rest of the night feeling uneasy, though I did not say anything to him. We came home and went to bed.
21/09/04 - my husband and daughter were both working this morning and my husband was to give our daughter a lift to work. When he first got up to have a shower he asked me if I would go to work with him. As I had been up late the previous night I told him no. After he had his shower he sat down on the side of the bed and told me we "had to talk". Straight away I knew that something was going on with OW but as we had to take our daughter to work, it was not until we dropped her off that he told me everything. This is it in full, and you have to realise that with over a year to come to terms with this, I believe that everything to follow is the truth:
- the first time in 09/03 was an "accident" that was not planned and was something that happened on her instigation.
- the second time in Feb 04 was his fault because he rang her while he was away and told her he was available. It turns out that he had been talking to her on the phone periodically and was scared to tell me because i had insisted on no contact, but,
- in Jan 04 she rang him and told him that she wanted to see him and was going to come to our state. Because he did not want me to find out that he had resumed contact with her, he agreed to this and even paid half her airfare. She was in our state for less than 24 hours but he did have sex with her in that time.
- as a result of their dalliance in feb 04, she rang him and told him she was pregnant but did not want to keep the baby. He paid for half the abortion costs.
- from Jan 04 to July 04, he handed over to her a total of approximately $3500 (for money to change residences, a dog trailer and towards the end of the affair, rent).
- he had to go away for work in July 04 and he let slip to her that he would be away. He saw her on that occasion and had sex with her.
- all of this came to a head on the evening of 20/09/04. It was OW that rung our house that evening. WH had called her about a week after the meeting in July to tell her that he did not want to see her anymore. Apparently she took it all calmly at the time but on this evening she must have lost it. She tried to ring our house to talk to me to tell me everything that had gone on and when she couldnt get hold of me, rang WH's work mobile and left threatening messages. That was why he had to go in to work that night, to call her. She told WH that she was going to tell me what had gone on so he decided to come clean himself. The day he came clean to me was the worst day of my life. I cant even begin to describe the torment I have lived through for the last 2 years. I thought we had the perfect marriage, but I was so wrong. It has been just over a year since d-day and it still hurts like ******. We are still together and will celebrate our 21st wedding anniversary in 6 days. So many times I have wondered if I should have just left that day, but I think I have done the right thing. My husband is such a different person to the one he was while the affair was going on. Deep in my heart I know that it is over, but I still have my days when I worry that it will begin all over again. I could be here forever waffling about all the things that make me know that it will all be ok, but I dont want to bore you all.
From the beginning, only a handful of people have been told what has happened. A select few from my work who had to know as I needed time off when I found out, a couple of my close friends, and a couple of WH's family members. We were told in counselling early on that if we were going to try to save the marriage that it was best that as few family members as possible knew, as it would only cause problems if we decided to stay together.
I am here because every now and then I need someone to talk to about this, someone who is impartial and can give me their opinion when I need to ask questions. There is probably a lot of my story that doesnt make sense, especially the part about why I am still with WH after all he has done to me. The whole story is not here, it would take a lot more pages to tell you everything. Feel free to ask me anything you want, I welcome the contact.
Thinking of you all,
you are in my thoughts constantly,
reewil...

Hi Raewil,

Glad to hear an update but you sound sad. Sounds like u need closure. You have gone through a lot and apparently dealing with a psycho OW. This means you maybe subject to periodic calls or even attacks of sordid sorts.

Did he keep track of the threats? Enough to file an ro to protect you and your family? Think about it. I wish we had done so. Instead the OW filed one after she realized the WS had left the building (so to speak).

As for her prego, that c/b true or false. Some Ows fake pregos and extort $$. The one in our case tried to do just that. She claimed 3 pregos....funny..... no proof.

R U and your H able to do phone counseling with Steve @ MB? Maybe good for both of you. Please check into this option.

Right now it is your H who needs to do the damage control. He needs to make you and your children feel safe. Yea, they have been damaged also. Don't think for a minute our children have been shielded from this mess.

take care,
L.

Hi Orchid,
Yeah I'm sad, sad that this all ever happened.
As far as OW goes, we have not heard from her in over a year, and don't expect to. Supposedly she only wanted to talk anyway, and WH told her that he did not want to talk to her, even when she offered not to tell me if he would talk to her.
As far as the pregnancy goes, we do think it was a fake, just a few things she said that did not ring true. In fact, after a lot of time deliberating and a lot of home truths on WH's part, we think this woman was just into my husband because of what she thought she could get out of him. He earns a very good wage and we think she thought if she could end up with him, she would have it made. God was he an idiot to fall for it, and he admits it. She just did not count on him not being prepared to give up the life he had
with me, to be with some tramp he got a piece of [censored] from. I truly belive this now.
We are all felling retty good now, hubby has been working overtime to see to that, emotionally wise especially.
Thank you so much for your reply and I hope to keep in touch, reewil...

U sound much better, still think giving Steve a call would help. Make sure you read His needs/Her needs. With or w/o A issues, this is a good book.

Some OWs are just psychos.... sad but true. In our case, the OW just 'knew she was prego with a girl' because that is what the WS wanted. Right, like OWs control the gender at 8 weeks? Crazy..... eh?

Here's my addy: mborchid2@yahoo.com or keep posting right here. We will be here for you.

All the best,
L.

You're right, some of them are just psychos. I think we've been lucky. When OW rang that night in August trying to get hold of me and then wouldn't let up until she had, by which time I had been told the whole sordid truth, I honestly thought she would pester us forever. Of course I was a total mess then. I guess as the "anniversary" of certain events has come and gone, I have expected her to try to contact one or the other of us, but she never has. The last time she tried to contact WH, and he told her he would not talk to her no matter what, he rang me straight away and told me. I then sent her a text message telling her to give up, just so she would know that he had told me immediately. It worked. I guess some people are not as lucky as us in that regard.
Hope this finds you well.
Reewil... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sounds good but u r not out of the woods yet.... so what r u planning t/d for your personal healing? What's the plan to help you hea;?

L.

Hi Orchid,
I don't think we will ever be out of the woods. Something like this changes you forever, changes your whole perspective on life. I know my life has changed, nothing means what it used to, music isn't as enjoyable to listen to, memories are often sad or wistful, thinking of how it used to be in the good old days. Don't get me wrong, I am happy now, but the A is always going to hang over us like a dark cloud, tingeing even the happiest of times. Sorry to be morbid, but I may as well be honest about this. I just don't want everyone to think I am depressed all the time, because I am not. I think about the A a lot less than I used to. It used to occupy my every thought every day, it never left me for a second. I can now go days without thinking about it, until something triggers off a thought.
Do you have any suggestions for my long term healing. what should I be doing or not doing. There are 2 years of experiences and thoughts to contend with here, so much to think about. WH is doing a great job trying to ease the pain of what he did. I honestly believe that the fog well and truly lifted on DD. He definately got him self into something he couldn't get out of without my knowledge. Obviously putting an end to the A had to be his idea, I realised that a long time ago. No amount of bullying or threats on my part was going to end it. I'm just so glad that the fog lifted and he realised what he didn't want to lose. It's hard to explain, but he was such a great guy before the A and when the A happened it was like a demon took over his body and soul.
reewil