I went into Plan B and 2 weeks later it fell apart. I haven't posted much at all because I'm ashamed. Right now, I'm not sure who broke it, me or WH. Either way, it got tossed out the window and I didn't stick to it.

For a while WH seemed to come out of the fog. I was elated, hopeful, responsive and all about it. We talked, and I mean really talked about everything. We were spending quality time together. We were discussing reconciling and what that would mean. He said he wanted to talk it over with his therapist before he made the decision. I was for it after all I don't him back if he's not totally committed.

All involvement with OW is over. I know this as fact.

WH talked with IC on Thursday and we talked Thursday night. WH says IC advised him to divorce since he has "so many issues with me and the way I exposed." We discussed this in further detail.

As it turns out, WH feels that after his 10yr marriage to wife #1 ended, he spent nearly 2 years getting "kicked in the teeth" by her when he tried unsuccessfully to reconcile after their divorce. We met and began dating. WH says he "lost himself" during that 2 yr span and that he is no longer the man he once was. He is no longer the confident, happy, artistic, soulful, loving person. He says he needs to "find that man again." I reminded him that I fell in love with a confident, happy, friendly, intelligent, fun, loving, soulful man 4 years ago. He says that man does not exist and that he's built so many walls up to protect himself that now he cant' get out.

Okkaaayyy...what does that mean for me and our marriage? That means, WH will be dating, meeting new people, coming and going as he pleases, and experiencing all that life has to offer (his words). WH feels it is not fair to me to wait for him to figure himself out. Of course, WH says he's not looking for a romance or a relationship, just new friends. He wants us to still continue to do things together. He says that I am "everything he's ever wanted in a woman and (he) should be running back but he's not" and he needs to find out why.

He told me it's fine for me to go ahead and date too. (ouch!) He can't expect me not to. I said I don't feel it's right by him to do that. I am married and I will not be an adulterer. If we are going to date other people we might as well get divorced. He is frustrated that I am an "all or nothing woman."

Lots of tears that night from both of us. I let him do most of the talking. I was in a deep deep depression by that point and completely lost as to what to do.

Since that night, WH has called me and emailed me often. Wants to talk all the time, about everything and nothing. Like some damn has burst inside him.

Meanwhile, my contract ended rather abruptly on Friday and I'm back to finding another one (that means I'm not working at the moment).

We agreed to not file for divorce until after the holidays. No use making it more miserable and besides, right now, neither of us has the money.

Have I completely destroyed any chance? Can this still be salvaged? What should I do now? HELP, please?

Go back to Plan B and STAY DARK. That is your only chance as I see it.

Oh Stop I wish I had some answers for you. I am so sorry this happen this way.

I would not give up if I were you. I hope some of the vets heed your call for help. I am in such a mess myself I don't have any wise words.

I personally feel if his IC gave that kind of advice though its time to find a new IC. Seems to me anyone who would advise that is not a good one. Why would someone tell anyone to Divorce especially if no abuse is involved.

Try and stay calm I am sure help will be along soon....

Take Care

Hurting

Melody, based on your xp, does going dark again even work?

Hurting, thanks for your support. Honestly, I don't know that this IC really said that. The IC was our MC for a while and WH had a way of turning around IC's words to suit him then. I wouldn't be surprised if he's doing it again. But I will say, this C was NOT in the biz of saving marriages IMO. He was very quick to tell us to make "a clean break and start the healing process" instead of trying to work on a plan for recovery. I mean, he11, we were there to try to work on it, not to make a break. Sheesh. Anyway, WH really likes the guy as an IC and maybe he is good for that, but he sucks at marriage counciling.

There are other things here at work that I did do during exposure that I should not have done and had I the chance to do it again, I'd do it differently. I did tell the OW about a major thing in WH's past I swore I'd never bring up to another person. I still feel very badly about that. I made a mistake by doing that and had WH not already told her it could have resulted in some major backlash for him careerwise. Not just this job. It was not related to his A and I should have kept it that way. That is the issue WH is having with me. He is very afraid that if he makes me upset, I may retaliate and announce it to anyone and everyone that could potentially hurt him. So, in a sense, I need to make ammends(sp?) for that.

I'll tell you why he's not finding his way back to you - he's a lazy b*tt who is cake-eating his way to you doing everything for the relationship and he knows you're not going to go anywhere or find any alternatives to waiting for Mr. Haley's Comet to come into your orbit - you aren't unpredictable.

Plan B forces him to wonder, then to invest - if he wants a relationship with you, or risk losing you altogether. You need to go back to a very very very dark Plan B, unless you like waiting for the comet to come home.

***He is frustrated that I am an "all or nothing woman."***

I laughed out loud when I read this. My WH has said the EXACT same thing to me. He is very, very angry and frustrated that I think marriage is "all or nothing" and tells me I am rigid and controlling. He believes I should accept that there are "grey areas" in any marriage and I am just too black-and-white to live with.

Sound familiar?

Here's the translation of what your WH is saying to you:

"I've f***ed up big time and I know it, but it sure was fun at the time. What I really want is a Marriage Vacation while I go out and live like a single guy, but I also want to know that you'll wait for me while I do this."

This is what he really wants.

Is that what you want?
Mulan

Stop -

Mulan has a good point there. Do you truly believe that the A is over? What did WH tell you or do to make that concrete for you?

You must be going crazy with having these good talks with WH and then him saying you should "date" other people. That to me seems like fogged out WH talk. Babble.

I'm sorry your contract ran out. I hope you find something soon to replace it!

Take Care!

Kimberly

Plan B was protecting you. Discarding it left you wide open for the A attack. U were setup for the fall. BTW, the IC?....that IC is nuts. Maybe the IC is a WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, get back to plan B to protect you. Next time he gets a bit nice, let him keep getting nicer and you don't lift a finger. Proof has to come beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Remember how the WS tells the BS they recognize the plan A changes but the WS is afraid those BS changes are temporary? Well that's babble and now you can babble those same words back to the WS. This time, there is a much greater chance that the postive changes are temporary..... on the WS part.

JMHO,
L.

Thank you guys.

Kayla - needed that kick in butt.

Mulan - yep, sounds very familiar.

Kim - OW has moved on to other prey. With her D, she's showing her true colors to WH and he doesn't like what he's seeing. WH sees her as manipulative, a user and very schemeing. While it may be over for her, it may not be over for him...

Orchid - as always, great insight. We never know what personal history the IC brings with them and it most likely effects their ability to effectively council.

My Plan now: I will go dark again. He knows how I feel. Like Kayla says, I'm predictable. Time for some unpredictability. I know I shocked him when I told him, very calmly, without tears, that if we are going to date others we may as well divorce. He got very quiet and solemn. He told me to wait until he talked to his IC.

Here's another thing that I am wondering about. Our med insurance has an online site. I checked it and he doesn't have any claims for ANYTHING since August 05. I wonder if he's even seeing the IC. I am thinking he's making it all up and using it as an excuse to do what he wants (ie. the IC suggested I do this).