Hi, MB friends. Just a little update for anyone who remembers my saga. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> My hopefully STBXWH just picked up the kids for their weekend visit, so I was inspired to post.

The kids have been giving me info about MOW (without me asking). It seems WH has been leaving them alone with her while he goes out and does...whatever it is he does. At first I was bothered that he would leave them alone with her, but there is nothing I can legally do about it. Hmmmm, I wonder if she enjoys it as much as I did, being left at home to take care of the kids while he goes out and does his...'thang.' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, it seems the kids are able to hold their own well enough. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I don't ask the kids about 'her.' I do ask the kids if they had fun, etc., while they were at their dad's. My son mentioned in passing (about MOW), "She is BUTT ugly!" He says he goes in another room and closes the door when he is left with her. My daughter told me she doesn't like to stay with MOW because, "she's ugly, she never smiles, and she doesn't talk much."

According to what my daughter told my mom, MOW was upset with DD and told her, "I am just like your mother, I am your stepmother," and DD must do as she was told. Apparently DD replied, "You are NOTHING like my mother. You are nothing to me." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I explained to DD that if MOW wanted to be her stepmother, she and WH would have to get married, and in order for them to get married, each would have to divorce their current spouse. Interestingly enough, MOW and her husband still have not filed for divorce. All WH has to do is fill out and sign his part of the final division of assets and debts (please, please!) and voila - he is free (and so am I!!). He says he is 'too busy' to deal with the paperwork. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I know that the whole situation is bothering the kids, because after their weekends with WH and MOW they are grouchy and take their frustrations out on me. I guess because I am 'safe' and they know I will never leave them.

Oh, I still haven't taken WH up on his 'occasional unscheduled sex' offer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> Even if I have to go without sex for years (gulp!), I don't think I'll be desperate enough to be with WH. No telling where his hands (or other parts) have been. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Pebbles!!

I've been wondering how you were doing. Glad to hear it sounds like you're holding your own against the flood of alien idiocy. Sometimes I think I'd like to be able to just go around to everybody who bugs me, and shake them till their teeth rattle. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Your STBXH sounds like somebody who could use a good shaking and have his teeth used for castanets! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I'm sure it would be a very character-building experience. Can't think why God doesn't give us the ability to do this. Can you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Hi, T&L. Good to 'see' you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Actually, I think I am giving WH a good 'teeth rattling' without even trying. It seems to really bother him that I am not pining away and miserable. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

WH has accused me of '****** around' now that I am 'free.' Apparently, the children have been vastly overstating the extent of my social activities. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> WH doesn't think it is fair that I get to do whatever I want (as if!) while he has to sit at home because he has no money (because of me, of course).

DS said something the other day that I've been thinking about. He said, "When dad lived here, he used to always be in a bad mood and he never wanted to do anything." I asked (in spite of myself) if WH seemed happier now. DS said, "No, he's the same, but we get to live with you." Interesting.

Sorry bout that...I've been living with the stepmonster now for 2 years!

It's a proving themselves thing. They want to assert themselves as the spouse now. It's freaky really. It's about winning the affair battle and control. They don't really care about the kids. It is all about themselves.

Tell kids they do NOT have to treat her a mom but instead say to respect her only as an adult. And if she disciplines or does anything out of line to tell you or dad.

You're moving on and doing fine.

My xh used to try to get the unscheduled sex too...and I told his new ow/w about 2 mos. ago during her long awaited "confession and please forgive me" speech...lie too! But mine wasn't. She freaked out! serves her right.

I told you that girl was pure de' Texan!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Sounds like things aren't going too smoothly over in the land of FOG. Any news from your wacky MIL?

You sound great, Pebbles! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am supposed to be getting ready to go to church right now. Oh well, I'll still make it in time. It's not like I need to 'fix' my hair; I'm a wild-haired left-coaster who doesn't own a can of hairspray and whose hair doesn't like to be told what to do (that's for you, MelodyLane, you Texan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />).

Hi, Peachy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I thought it was funny (in a creepy, sick, alien kind of way) how WH handled it when the kids complained to him about MOW telling them what to do. According to the kids, he told them, "She can't help it if she isn't as pretty and she isn't as nice as your mom. She has had a rough life." Ha, ha, ha, ha!!

MelodyLane <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I did get another message about how my refusal to be "friends" with WH is childish and inappropriate. According to my MIL, I should be following the example of one of my betrayed former SILs by trying to get along with MOW. That former SIL has never remarried or done much dating, attends all the in-law family functions and sits and talks with her XWH and his OW/wife. MIL said that MOW is "willing to make friends" with me. Gee, how generous of her, but...no thanks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I know that I will have to deal with MOW at some point, regarding my kids, if she is around long term, but I am not to that point yet. Oh, I have yet to lay eyes on MOW. WH seems to hide her in his lair when I pick up the kids, and he leaves her there when he picks up the kids from me. From what I've heard about her, he probably thinks I would crack up laughing if I saw her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, ML. I am okay - better than okay. Sometimes my feelings are a little raw and close to the surface, but I'll manage. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey Pebs, how was church? It is so good to hear from you again. I am very impressed with your kids; they sure seem to have a handle on how to deal with this. It is wonderful to know that peace is returning to your life. You deserve every bit of it.

Neak

Hi, 'Neak. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I haven't left for church yet, in a couple minutes.

Yes, I guess peace is returning to my life. I do need to forgive WH and MOW, though - for me, if not for them. How long will that take? It's not so much what has been done to me, it is what has been done to the children that is the hardest to forgive. The callous disregard of their feelings and protection, the refusal to pay child support and the forcing of MOW's presence on them. Ack, there goes that burning feeling in my veins again.

And...when do I get to trust again? And...I have a good portion of my self-esteem back, but the scars are still pretty new.

Some good things have come of this. My faith in God is much stronger. I have questioned His plans often lately, but I do see now that He knows what He is doing. Living with a husband so immoral and so far from God is not a good thing for me or my children. Also, I have met some wonderful people I wouldn't have met otherwise. Why does this stuff happen to nice people like us? LOL.

Another thing...a few people suffering from adultery have come to me lately for a shoulder to cry on (maybe there's a big "B" for "betrayed" on my forehead?). I don't feel qualified to offer advice, but I can offer compassion and cry and pray with/for them. If I can help other people feel better, then at least there is some good to come of what has happened to my family.

I do miss being married and being a complete family, though. There were some very happy times in the past and there were some very good things about WH, despite all the bad stuff I've posted about him. It sucks being alone - despite the glamorous single life WH seems to think I am leading. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Okay, pity party over.

Just wanted to say "hi" to you Pebs and tell you how proud I am of you and your kids!

Ditto from me. You are doing so well. I wouldn't doubt that after your D is final, your STXWH tries to woo you back.

I'm sorry to hear about your MIL. I hope that I'm not as far out in la-la land with my boys as my MIL is. I just don't get it. Don't they realize what enablers they are? My MIL is "afraid" that her son will never talk to her again if she says something. I'm suppose to just suck it up and be nice to her son no matter what. It seems like your MIL is much the same. How in the h*ll can they expect us to want to be friends and be on cordial terms after what their sons have done to us? Apparently, the well-being of their grandchildren doesn't figure into it.

You go, girl! Keep it up. You can cheerlead the rest of us on.

What the heck is it with MIL's anyway? Mine behaves so badly I don't speak to her anymore!

Thanks, faithful follower and grapegirl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

As far as WH trying to woo me back after we are divorced, I am SO. NOT. INTERESTED! Song lyrics for him: "You had your chance, you blew it. Out of sight, out of mind. Shut your mouth, I just can't take it again and again and again and again!" It may not sound like it, but I am a forgiving person. However, I can only take being treated like garbage for so long (and I can take having my children treated like garbage even less!).

If WH follows his family history (that I just recently found out about), it is more likely he will move on to OW2, 3, 4, etc., if he hasn't already. If it wasn't this MOW, it would have been someone else.

I do feel relief that I will be free now, at 40, instead of 20 years and who knows how many OW later. At least I can move on (not that people 20 years older than I am cannot move on - I'm just saying).

I really think my MIL is projecting her feelings onto me, because every single one of her four sons is/has been a cheater, and three have left their marriages and children to take up with the other woman. Obviously, I must be a horrible person to make her son join his brothers in being an adulterer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Was I a perfect wife? No. I was pretty darn good, though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I am reminded of a quote I saw here somewhere: "The best revenge on the woman who stole your husband is to let her keep him." Ha, ha, ha, ha! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Good one. Let her have him! Maybe MIL is in denial about having raised her sons to be cheaters. Was FIL a cheater? Somebody must have been a fabulous adultery rolemodel to make all of the boys become cheaters. Maybe you could get all of your SILs together as a First Wives Club. Wouldn't that fry your WHs.

We can only be as good as we can be and sometimes that just not enough. I am 10 years older than you. I believe people of any age can move on. All of us have it within us to live a good life. You've got a great start!

GG, I don't know if FIL is/was a cheater. No one has filled me in on that part of the family history. I think the brothers being cheaters has a lot to do with how MIL raised them. She was/is very withholding of affection and very controlling and demanding. God knows I tried to make up for that, but I just couldn't do enough, I guess. I don't think anyone can.

Funny thing. I just noticed my daughter took the CD I burned of what I privately call "bite me" songs with her to WH's lair. She took it out of the CD player in my room without me knowing. It has songs on it like: "Get Out," "Since U Been Gone," "We're Not Gonna Take It," etc. When we listen to it, sometimes DD says what she has heard me say, "Turn it up! This song was meant to be played LOUD!"

I can just imagine my fluffy-haired little DD singing at the top of her lungs to Paula Abdul's "Cold-Hearted Snake" at her dad's place, with him and MOW listening. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> BTW, I am thinking of downloading this song to use as WH's special ring tone on my cell phone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Of course, WH probably wouldn't think it applied to him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Okay, must get off computer now and do constructive things. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Add a little Carly Simon "You're So Vain" to get the point across then.

That would be the song for my xh! Carly is ironically FV's REAL first name! Oh how appropeau!

In fact my xh met her on a "yacht" he rented to pretend he had one at the time.

I have a new song by Kelly Clarkson! I love "Gone"!

That is new song I turn up waaaaaaaay loud and sing to work!

You should google the lyrics...it's great <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

am going jogging late and then plan flowers on front doorstep! In pots on front doorstep I should add!

GG, what a great idea! I do have two fellow betrayed SILs who are now X-SILs, and two or three current SILs who are being cheated on (two are OW/wives, so there you go). Of course, when WH finally signs the papers, they'll all be my former SILs. Maybe we could all descend on the family Christmas gathering in a cloud of righteous fury and Chanel No.5, LOL. Ahhh, dare to dream. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

KaylaAndy and Peachy, two great song suggestions! I never thought of WH as being vain, but he does have a giant streak of entitlement going on.

*********
Speaking of my MIL....

I just got back from the new Trader Joe's that just opened - in MY part of town. As I was pulling into the parking lot of TJ's, who should I see in the parking space directly across from me but my dear MIL, with FIL driving their car!! That's what I get for not paying close enough attention while driving (loud music, you know). I just smiled at them and waved, too startled to do anything else. They looked right at me, then backed out of the parking space and took off. I guess it's easier for MIL to chastise me over the phone, where she doesn't have to face me.

Okay, MY Trader Joe's doesn't have my name on it, and it is the closest one to where MIL and FIL live (about 25 minutes away), and it's a free country...but still!!! I may have purchased a bit more chocolate and wine during this TJ trip than I usually would, LOL. I also bought some Egg Nog spa sugar scrub which advertises itself to "smell like happy." I'm all over anything that smells like "happy."

Ack!!!

A big sign of envy from those of us who are Trader Joe-less. I think it's one of the best chain stores on the Earth. They refuse to open any stores up in my state.

You probably gave your MIL as big a shock as you got. How typical to cut and run. It proves that people aren't born conflict avoiders...

Hi Ya Pebbles!
Thanks for checking in! You sound wonderful. I posted on your last thread a little while ago. I heard an oldie but goodie disco song "I Will Survive!" and I actually listened to the words. Guess who the first person that came to mind?You! That's just weird. We are on opposite coasts and I have never met you. But you came to mind.

By the time Bam Bam gets out of this fog you will be doing just fine without him. He'll be the one begging for another chance. I agree he will someday try to woo you back. Sounds like la la land isn't so much fun anymore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Oh, I still haven't taken WH up on his 'occasional unscheduled sex' offer. (Quote)

Wow, I thought my WH was the only one that made these offers. I guess they are all more alike than I thought.

I'm sorry you have to deal with a WS, OW, and diffficult MIL. My MIL is one of my strongest supporters and only wants what is best for our children and me at this point. It took her longer to accept much of what he is doing but she has probably been as mad at her son as I am. It helps getting support from someone who was so close to him and loves him so much. She is a truly wonderful person. I hope things don't have to change with his family and mine as time goes on.

It is good to hear how you have moved on and aren't waiting on him. Why on earth would a H leave their wife for someone that they don't think is as pretty or nice as their wife????????? What an idiot. My WH is in the same self-destruct mode. He is leaving everything for uneducated, woman with 3 children from marriage that she has had multiple affairs during. At least I haven't heard she is "butt ugly". That would make even LESS sense. Oh my, there doesn't seem to be any sense to be made.

Good luck on your life without WH. By the way, what is STBXWH? I must know.

MWC