This is my first post and I am sad to be making it. However, I have gained much information and hope from the MB Website and the wonderful people who post here. Thank You.

I am a 41 year old BH and my WW is 40. We have been married 6 years, with 5 of those being good. I love my WW with all my heart and really want this to work out. D-Day for me was 9-4-05, although I had suspicions as early as May 2005. I confronted my WW with those suspicions on several occasions and was told that the OM (26) was only a friend and that our marriage was fine. On D-Day I found and e-mail confirming the sexual desire and love between them. Upon confrontation, my WW finally confessed this EA. She said this was only an EA, but I’m not sure.

We are now in a vicious cycle. Beginning on D-Day, I have offered her a divorce many times. Each time she says that she does not want a divorce, that she still loves me, and that she thinks that our marriage can be saved. She then says that she will have NC with the OM. I tell her each time that we will try our best to make it work. She is usually angry at me after these confrontations for a couple of days, then things seem to start getting better. After a week I will ask if she is still in NC with the OM, and she tells me that she has text-messaged or emailed him. I will again say that we need to get a D and the process starts again. I am too soft hearted, or weak, and I want to believe her so badly that I will agree to another try. She has maintained throughout that the EA is stupid, not worth the cost, and temporary. I ask why she can’t quit the EA and she replies “I don’t know”.

Friday was the end of another 3 week try. Things had been going pretty well, I thought, until I asked if she had maintained NC. She said she had contacted him a few times. I felt horrible, all this for nothing. I came home and started a list dividing our property for a divorce. When WW got home, she didn’t want to discuss it. She keeps saying that she does not want a divorce, and if I want one, I could have everything. Then she goes into the I wish I had never been born speech, and how she still loves me, but not like a W should love her H. She once again said that she would never talk to OM again, that she would do exactly what I wanted. She said “You win, you win, I will go straight to work and home, have no friends, and stay by your side at all times, so nobody else will be hurt”. I keep asking her “Do you want this marriage to work for you, for us”? The standard answer is “I don’t know”. I sometimes ask what I can do to make things better and the answer is “I don’t know”.

Basically, she doesn’t want a D, doesn’t know what she wants, feels sorry for herself every time I try to talk about it, and is very worried about what her family and friends will think. Is this the fog talking or babble of some sort? Please help me figure out if this is the time for patience or should I pursue the D.

Welcome. Your wife sounds like the typical WS. The place for you to start is Plan A. Read all about it here, and try to do a good one.

Also it is time to expose the affair to anyone that could help. This includes work, her family, the OM's family.

Sorry you have to be here, but it is a great place to be under the circumstances.

Thanks Believer. I'm so tired of the "I don't know" and "sometimes" answers. Hope this fog lifts soon. I have exposed A to co-workers and friends. When I told her this, she started crying and saying that everyone would be against her. Usual stuff I guess?

Also, she has started the NC several times now, only to fail. Is this typical? How often should I ask about NC?

I have been trying to provide EN's, and she says that I have been perfect H since this all began. I suppose that is a lie or the OM would not exist.

She is pretty much textbook. They have a HORRIBLE time having NC with the other person. That is why it is so important to stay in Plan A.

At least your wife is trying, and realizing that a relationship with the OP is not an alternative. Usually they are so head over heals that they don't have a clue.

They act just like heroin addicts - just have to have their fix. Sometimes it helps to think of it like that.

The bad thing is that your self esteem can bottom out, while trying to do this. The good thing, is that most come back to the marriage.