well...this wasn't exactly how I wanted to say hello again, but...

the confession came. after my W came out of the fog; the tears and the guilt and the confessions all came - and now I find myself in an emotional state I've never experienced in my life.

She admitted to a PA; and it was worse than I had thought - so now I know it really truly happened and I'm crushed; I can't get these vivid pictures out of my head and its haunting me. She cried and cried and cried and cried after she told me; kept telling me she didn't deserve me; at first I told her we were finished upon hearing the news and she broke down crying begging me not to leave - told me I was the best thing to ever happen to her. I have felt nauseous ever since she confessed; it wasn't intercourse so to speak; but it was oral intercourse which SHE gave, which in my eyes (maybe im different than many men) but its tearing me up worse I think than if it had been the other; she keeps telling me she didnt like it and that she didn't do it on purpose - I asked her why she didn't say no to the guy and she said "i was too chicken". I told her if that was the truth then it was rape; but she doesn't want to pursue anything as far as reporting it goes; and I found loads of things she wrote about how much she liked him on her forum from a few months back so something tells me it was consensual....the worst part is that she let him climax and my god you all get the idea...

Things were looking so up in our marriage; we were working on rebuilding, things were great and we were having fun and being happy - we both felt feelings inside that we had both felt when things were grand before but I feel like I've been stabbed in the back - like I've witnessed the death of everything I've ever felt dear, as well as a part of my heart that I'll never get back.

I still love her with all of my heart; but I'm so destroyed inside, I don't know what to do - I don't even know how to recover from this; she told me she'd do anything for our marriage - she quit her job so she could come to be with me again a little earlier than we had planned, she told me she wants to go to counseling and that she needs help because she had problems; but my mind is so destroyed inside, even the anti-depressants (although i cannot cry anymore because of them) aren't taking away this despair...if anything I feel like I'm trapped in an emotional prison and unable to express this pain through tears like I once could...

I don't know where to go from here or what to do, this hurts more than I would have ever imagined - not necessarily the fact; but the mental image of the girl who once loved me so deeply on her knees with a man years older than her taking advantage of her weak state knowing that she is married...that or her just not caring.

She said that she's never felt guilt like this before; she has been deeply ill since she confessed; everytime I talk to her she cries, she says she's thrown up numerous times and that she feels worthless, like she isn't worth anything. She keeps telling me she can't understand how I still love her - she said she doesn't deserve to be loved by anyone after what she did...

I'm so lost...looking for so many answers; wondering if I'll ever find them..

Truthfullt, I don't see why this revelation changes anything. A big part of this whole issue was your OWN DENIAL of all of this. I wouldn't even just think that only oral sex was involved...come on Fox....get real here. She betrayed you, you knew that...and still tool her back, so what is so different now.....details? Well you need to stop "romantazing" this woman to someone you think she is...she cheated, she let another man have sex with her outside of her marriage......you had to know this was a real possibility. Nothing should be different. Your marriage is just an "recoverable" as it was yesterday.....

Lem

i know lemon...i guess this just makes it more...real.

I was in denial, you're right - and now that reality has slapped me in the face; the real pain is coming.

I agree that this has more to do with the fact that you have finally moved on from the denial stage. Up till she confessed you were probably thinking to yourself that your source that confirmed your dday wasn't true.

I also believe that the details are now creating triggers for you. Are there certain things that you sense that will cause your mind to go to that specefic act fox?

Please get over the illusions that she did not have PA. She did not tell you the whole truth because of fear of how you might react. But Fox, please don't pretend otherwise. You know better. Don't you?

Second, I suspect she had PA with more than one person. And last, please get an STD test ASAP and take precautions next time you have SF with her, unless of course, you don't care about your health.

I also think she probably didn't tell you the whole truth, just a bit of it to attempt to relieve some of her guilt. You shouldn't punish her for telling the truth...she may not want to continue to be honest about the details if you have such an awful reaction when she does.

If you love her and want to remain with her then you need to make your relationship a safe place for her to feel like she can be honest with you. Go over Harley's concept of Radical Honesty with her. This way, maybe you can go into your future with a basis of honesty from which to build a solid marriage.

I do believe that she has had full blown PA's...not just OS.
You have chosen to be in denial and make her out to be a lot more 'holy' than she has been in reality. Had you accepted that then you wouldn't have been so shocked by her admission.

FoxOr, Hopefully mflake will respond to your situation since this is very similar to what happened to him. This is what builds true intimacy. If you want your M to work this is the time no to LB.

Listen to Lemonman! He is right. Your M can be better once you start to process all of this and starting building a new R between you two.

It's hard to find out, but your W is showing remorse. That is great. Don't punisher her for this, instead listen to her and let her land safely.

You can do it

Fox,

Look, I know how you feel. Even though I am in recovery and we are years past D-Day, there are times that images float through my mind. Even some times during SF. Unavoidable.

You see, this is where the BS gets once the WS returns. After fighting for the marriage, the BS never had time to really process everything. And now that things have calmed down, you end up having to deal with those things. But how?

I was warned by many people on here that the hardest part of all of this would be recovery. That there is sssooooo much work that goes into it.

But, how do you deal with these issues? How can you approach your wife with these issues, when she has her own issues of guilt, shame, etc? In many cases, to both the BS and WS, things seem kinda hopeless. I mean, wouldnt it be better just to start with someone new, where the baggage wouldnt have to be carried around? That's what the BS is thinking. At the same time, the WS is thinking that they came home and went thru all of the nasty withdrawal stuff for what? For the BS to then decide to leave?

So, how do you help each other, work thru this mess together...and protect each other? And both of you will need to protect each other from yourselves!

This is not easy...but it is very simple. The biggest rule of thumb that I have learned through this is that I say NOTHING on any of these things until I have thought thru the responses she may have and my possible responses to them. Why? Because the quickest thing to damage your recovery will be LBs.

While your WS did commit adultery and does deserve your wrath, your wife does not! And you are going to have to look at her that way. If you are in recovery, then she is your wife. And no matter what feelings you have of her as a WS, those need to apply to the WW. Your wife deserves your best, just like she deserved it before all this mess happened.

No man likes to see or think about their wife with another man. In my case, I saw it. Yeah, that pretty much was disgusting and has caused problems sometimes for us in the sack. But what we are learning to do is TALK. So, when those feelings do come up, my wife is learning to just sit there and listen. To not take anything personally, put to just listen to my pain and why I feel the way I do at that moment. I do the same thing for her. When she is scared or wondering whether we will ever get it all the way back, I just listen. I dont defend. I dont freak out and think she is leaving again. I just listen.

And of course, listening hurts! To both of you. But there is no way around this Fox. You both will have to get this out over time in order to be able to move on.

A couple of other suggestions. First, make sure both of you understand that no matter what, you are committed. Commitment is what will get you thru those mental images. Commitment will get her thru her fears and insecurities.

Next, make a rule on a time limit for discussions of "nuclear" topics. Maybe one hour. If these issues come up, then just look at that clock and say "honey, we will talk about this until 9:45am and then we will stop for today." And then have your discussion. By limiting the time, you keep it from being drawn out and the conversation digressing. Also, no more than 3 topics in that discussion. No laundry lists of grievances. No piling on.

The next thing to do is to have a rule about when you have had enough or the other one says something out-of-bounds. In that case, you should have a signal or catch phrase that you both know that will tell the other that they have gone too far or things have gotten too much. That way, the conversation can end before it gets into a name calling knock-down-drag-out.

My man, all I can say is that it gets better each day. Not a lot better...but better. Somedays there are setbacks. Somedays are awesome and like when things were right. but overall, as long as both of you are committed to this marriage amd look out for each other, then things will continue getting better. You will think less and less about these visions. Your wife and you will begin to trust each other more and more. But both of you have to understand what is REALLY ahead for you. You both need to be real about what to expect. So sit down with her and discuss the fact that a lot of this will suck for awhile. But it will get better.

Since you do say you love her, then tell her. When you are hurting, remind her and you that you do love her. Tell her that you are just having a moment and need a little space. And you do the same with her.

This is a very delicate dance, Fox. Especially in the beginning. But you must educate yourself, and your wife MUST educate herself. She needs to read the Harley stuff. Maybe coming on here and letting her read and meet FWWs might help her understand herself and understand what is going on and what will happen.

Fox, there was an affair. She had sex with another man or men. These are facts. And as disgusting and hurtful as that is, you cannot change that reality. But, you and your wife can have a new reality. One built on love, trust and commitment. But it has to be built one brick at a time with a lot of hard work.

Are you both ready? Because if you do this right, you will actually have a better marriage than you had before. But to get to something that awesome, it requires you to go thru a lot of mess.

In His arms.