I recently ( about a month ago) found out that my husband who is stationed in Iraq for just over a year now has had internet sex with a solider sngel that i signed him up for. it is a group who helps support troops while they are deployed. She has sent him care packages and has chatted with him via email as well as me too. i recieved a email from her intended for my husband saying that she was still hot and bothered from the conversation that they had that day. I went into his email ccount to see if there were other emails from her. And sure enough there were emails and pics (just head shots). i confronted both him and her he said it didnt happen he didnt know what I was talking about. She said she didnt even know who he was. I remind you I knew about her and she sent me emails. He finally came clean. He said that since he didnt have physical contact with her he didnt think I would think it was cheating. He was so wrong! He is half way around the world! What do I do? He should be coming home in about a month. Any help please!!!

I agree what he did is considered cheating. But I think if you will talk with him honestly about your concerns and keep open communication this could do the both of you good. I know soldiers who are off at war are dealing with a lot of emotional factors and sometimes they use sex as an outlet for dealing with the stress. It does not make it right, it's just a reason. It could be that your husband has a lot of stress that he is dealing with and he found himself tempted and thought it wasn't a big deal as he said, but it really is a big deal because it could lead to more temptation later on. And that is what he needs to be made aware of. I would just tell him that it's a big issue to me and I would not tolerate it now or in the future. It doesn't have to to a big blow out fight. Just let him know that it hurt your feelings and it's something you don't want to happen again and that you want him to stop contact with the girl. Tell him you appreciate his honesty and that you want him to always be honest with you even if it is painful to do so. You defintely don't want him moving towards an emotional affair or a physical affair later. So handle this in a firm, loving way that lets him know that it hurt you and it's not something you want repeated again.

SW

I'm a soldiers wife too.

You are right, cheating is cheating is cheating.

I would like to point out though that serving in a war zone effects our men in very strange ways.
It does NOT excuse his actions but may explain way he has acted like this.

However it is NOT acceptable and emotional affairs can do just as much damage to a marriage as a physical affair.

you will both have to work on this marriage when he gets home but in the meantime, limited as you are able to, ask your H to have NO FURTHER contact with this woman. Demand that as the least he can do for you and himself.

If he's lonely have him email you, is he able to do this & contact you anytime? Are you working?
If he wants an on line affair let it be WITH YOU his lover and wife!!

It is not easy SW, you know that I think, being so far apart in these particular circumstances, keeping a relationship going, its almost impossible at times with the stress he goes under and then your own.
I know it is very hard to be up beat and light hearted when he needs it because you have your own fears and concern, but try to set that aside and be his relief valve.
I do believe his thinking is a bit off and his behaviour is most likely a symptom of what he is doing.

Does not hurt any less or need any less attention regardless of the issues involved.

I would urge you to send him by email the address of this site and the section about Emotional affairs so he understands what it is he has done. He will get it I believe over time, most WS do ..I did.

What can you do now?

Well as I said..NC from him with OW.

While he is away you can only address some of his needs..BUT ..this is the advantage you have right now..you CAN address whatever the OW was giving him PLUS the love and care of a spouse as well... you can shoot down that OW in flames.
Plan A him - please go read about plan A right now - as much as you can with phone calls, email, letters, photos, whatever.

For instance keep a daily journal of the things going on with the family & friends around you, send it to him every few days, keep him involved in your life and he in yours as much as possible. That alone is hard work..I know that one!

This will be SO SO important in the days & weeks to come AND when he comes home.
THEN you can calmly work with him to affair proof your M for the future..not easy any of this but can be done.

Come here to vent and talk and ask questions and the real experts will have lots to help you with..

You can do this SW and you can have your H back home ready and willing to work on the relationship and M.
Even in the best of circumstances soldiers coming home from a war ARE very different from the men who went. Relationship issues are just one problem.
Not fair is it SW? But then I guess they didn't ask to be changed either.

Any time you want to talk just log on or email. Will be happy to help if I can.

AW

Soldiers wife - All of this is good advice. I would contact the owner of this soldiers angels network and report this woman. She must have signed up to gain access to military men.

By the way, my H is a Marine and has been to Iraq so I know how you feel. Keep coming here. It will help!

As a deployed soldier as well, I would ask if you would be willing to fulfill his desires for some "personal" correspondance. We have no outlet for SF, and for us guys it is virtually a MUST. I personally view some pornography on occassion (with my wifes permission, she actually sends it to me occassionally).

My time is up on the comp, but give it a thought.

I have contacted the regional diresctor at the Angel network they were very helpful. I forwarded all the emails I had and she aplogized for the trouble and was sad that this had happen. She said that this had only happen once before that she knew of. She confonted the OW for me and said that she couldn't even explain why she did it. I do know that she started this whole situation. I think she even intended for me to find out. The angel network has banned her from ever having contact threw them again as well as banned her from all angel boards. My H has apoligized time and time again. He is welling to do anything I ask of him to get our M back on tract. We have both read this wbsite and I have purchased some of the books. He actually found the site threw a co-worker who had went to one of the seminars with his wife. I think we are on the right track. I just have a hard time believing him abou tanything I always feel like he is lying to me. I think I am more hurt that he lied to me about it then that it happen.

Thank you for that advice. Me and my H have a very open relationship about porn we both enjoy it. I have sent him some items myself. We do ingage in Cyber sex as well. We have even bought cams so that he can see a lot of what is going on. Thank you for your advice.

This is a learning experience for your husband. Tell him in the future you want honesty, complete honesty no matter what the cost. In the end the truth always comes out and it is better to hear the truth in the begining than a denial or a lie followed by the truth. I am glad the Angel network responded favorably to you. It's also good your husband is apologizing. It shows he is at least wanting to get back on track for what he did. And it's positive he wants to read the information here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I see positive things from this although it was hurtful to you. In the long run you can use it to build a stronger marriage.

I really appericate everyones suggestions. Thank you for your help. Is there anything in particular that we should read in the book or maybe a worksheet we should do? I really love my H and I know that he loves me. I really never thought that anything like this would ever happen. His X cheated on him many times and had a baby by another man while they were M. He has to know how this feels Right?