Alright, so I've been checking out this site for quite some time, and finally decided to post my situation. I hope someone can offer some advice.

So my wife and I were married for 7 years, together for 13. I found out after only 3 weeks that she was cheating on me. After some back and forth, she saw the OM 2 more times..both times I found out about. After the 2nd time, I left for a couple days, then decided to come back, because I did not want her with this man in my house, and I did not want my kids to remember their dad walking out on them. She agreed again not to see him. I told her, she could either stay with us as a family (we have 3 children) or leave to be with him. She decided to stay. But I caught her a 3rd time with him and told her to leave, which she did.
It has been 3 months since she has been out on her own. I have tried to implement plan A (at least I think have) but seem to have bounced between plan A and Plan B. At first, I tried to just be as understanding as possible. We were getting along great for about a month or so, when I decided I couldn't take it anymore, so I cut off contact with her. After a week, she contacted me and told me she had made a huge mistake and would do anything to get me back. So I decided to try again. She came by and things were great. we spent a few days together, but when the weekend came, she went back to him. Then back to me. She has been bouncing back and forth between he and I. I have been fulfilling her needs sexually and some emotionally as well, but she has told me that she cannot leave him. We have so much fun together and she admits that she misses me, says she still loves me, etc. Her thought is that if she is with me, she can never see him again, but if she is with him, she will always have a relationship with me because of our kids.
I e-mail her several times daily with playful e-mails and she really looks forward to these, and we get together two or three times a week to hang out, watch movies and, well, have sex. Throughout all of this, she has continued her relationship with the OM and has even begun doing things with him and our children. I though I was making progress, but now I'm not sure, since she has seemed to progress her realtionship with him as well.

I feel it is time for Plan B, as I KNOW she still loves me and would miss me and all of the things I do for her, but I am afraid I cannot follow through with it, or that she will choose him over me. In a way I am being selfish too, because I enjoy the times we have together and don't want them to end, but I know that she is getting the best of both worlds at my expense. If she really loved him she wouldn't be coming over having sex with me and not telling him about it. It has only been 3 months...should I give it another 3?? I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

STOP THE INSANITY......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS MOMENT.................

STOP ALL CONDONING OF ANY KIND OF CONTACT WITH YOUR CHILDREN AND MOMS


[color:"red"] BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!! [/color]

SEEK LEGAL COUNSEL TODAY ABOUT HER NOT NOT NOT NOT EXPOSING YOUR CHILDREN TO A STANGE MAN.........................................................

Your children are at great great life shattering developemental risk for having safe haven normal child-hoods and stand to be scarred very deeply in the formation of their own marriages and relationships and their children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Children have no no no no business being around moms BOYFRIEND...ever
he is toxic and dangerous to their well being as is she......

put a stop to it this second!!!!!!!!!!!!!
\
seek primary custody
seek banning of interactions with strange men

she stands to teach the children that when we grow weary of dad we can all just go out and get new one...
she stands to teach the children that relationships are disposable..

children don't for one nano second give a flying F*** about their parents happiness....they developementally aren't even capable of processing life that way.......

they want a safe home where mom and dad say what they mean and mean what they say...............................

each time you interact with your wife on such a playful level it is you yourself that condone her actions with her boyfriend..........

you must seperate the two issues...
one and first is the safety of the children...

outside of our homes is more than enough chaos and trauma in our childrens lives....

dammed are those who bring such chaos into their childrens lives for their own entertainment...and cursed are they as they should be.......

the fact that this OM spends any time with YOUR children speaks of his ability of EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you stop all condoning and participation in that today...

mom doesn't like dad right now...so he is replacable...

your children are powerless and the lesson that dads are so easily replaced will haunt them at night that if they piss mom off...she will replace them as well...

you save the children.
and you save your marriage....and those two things though on the surface seem in great conflict....
they are the only right thing to do...................

waiting for your reply cause Lord knows I could go on and on and on and on and on about the damage being inflicted here...

insidiously terroristic moms and OM.....
bleeeech!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I second Ark's post and ask you to stop being afraid! If she "chooses" OM over you then she really isn't the woman you want to be married to anyway right? Please protect your children. THEY NEED YOU

SA,

I am sorry you find yourself in the situation you are in, but a simple answer to your question - YES!

I am glad you are asking for advice, I do believe you need it. Ark has already weighed in. You need to protect you and the kids from this chaos. I am sure others will be giving you other suggestions. Your WS is not 'thinking' so you need to think for your family.

quote:---------------------------------------------------
Her thought is that if she is with me, she can never see him again, but if she is with him, she will always have a relationship with me because of our kids.
---------------------------------------------------------

This is what is called cake-eating - trying to have it all, at your family's expense. Is this what you want for you and your children?

quote:----------------------------------------------------
I though I was making progress, but now I'm not sure, since she has seemed to progress her realtionship with him as well.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Don't expect your WS to want to change this, why would she? It will be up to you.

You might as well be prepared, it will be rough ride. Come here for support. If it's any comfort to you, you are not alone. Many of us know what you are feeling.

Hang in there.

ALSO, have you been checked for STD's?

so_alone, you need to look up some of b0b pure's posts. He was a BS who learned to stand up to infidelity as a beast that must be slain for the good of the family. (who said that?)

Seriously -- it's your duty as your children's father to protect them from evil and chaos. Right now, you are failing utterly in this duty. You are sitting back and watching as your children are exposed to their mother's boyfriend. By your actions (or inaction, I should say) you are telling your children that you are perfectly okay with this and it's all normal.

I think you are paralyzed with fear that if you make a fuss your wife will leave you for the OM, so you swallow sh*t sandwiches every day and allow your children to do the same.

Believe me -- ALL cheaters, both male and female, COUNT ON the fact that their betrayed spouses will be too timid to make a fuss. That's why she goes on and on the way she does. She will NEVER stop this arrangement on her own. Why should she? She has two men to have sex with and meet her every need.

You are going to have to step up and be a man and start protecting your family. If you don't, who will? Your WW? Her boyfriend? Yeah, they've done a great job so far.

Please stop letting a couple of liars intimidate you. Start Protecting Your Family Before You Lose Them Forever.
Mulan

So So So Alone;

I concur with the posters above. You are going to have to stand up to her for yourself and your kids. You mentioned you have been in Plan A & B. However, to me it sounds as though you have been in Plan Appeasement.

Do not take offense...We all made mistakes in this process. Dr. Harleys proven marital recovery process is a known proven path to reconciliation. Some of the things you are being told to do may be counter-intuitive but doing nothing will only insure that nothing changes.

So here goes. You have been trying to Plan A unsuccessfully for 3 months, however, in order to go to Plan B you must complete Plan A. You can do this rather quickly as the posters above pointed out you should be seeking legal counsel and filing for custody, to protect your children from this continued abuse. The full Plan A involves a carrot and a stick approach. Here is a copy of Pepperband's post describing such Plan A.



SO...have you fully exposed this affair to friends, family, workplace of wife and OM?????? Have you merely been the happy go lucky BH or have you firmly stated your position as it relates to her affair??? Do you want to save your marriage??? Are you willing to make, discuss and implement a plan to bust up this affair????

SO...Who is OM? What does he do? What are his weaknesses? Is he married? Does his wife, girlfriend, mother/father know? We/I know he is a sad replacement for you but what are his insecurities which we/you can exploit???

This carrot and stick Plan A (especially the "Stick") should be implemented immediately while on the backside you prepare yourself legally. Action Plan today...Call and set up an appointment with an experienced divorce attorney.

As far as custody. Your WW has abandoned the home; but you did too for a short period. Have you been keeping a handwritten journal of what you do and what she doesn't do for your children? Do you want full primary custody? You can always share custody later but in these cases it is best to protect and set an example to your children against adulterous conduct. In case of a custody fight as a man you must be overly prepared to battle such action with documentation and more documentation. Ask questions here and read Mortarman's posts on Gramns thread from last June for more information

Also, Plan B. Again, read Gramn's thread from about 3 weeks ago when he implemented Plan B. He had difficulty implementing it (and continues today to have difficulty with it)...you will need a Plan B letter and organize a plan to implement it for its desired effect. Your WW will not like Plan B and if you waffle on it, then it will not work effectively nor efficiently. You must emotionally prepare yourself and plan to go silent Plan B as well so you can endure your own urges to break Plan B darkness.

BTW, Plan A and B discuss establishing boundaries. What are yours???? My boundary was that I refused to be in a loveless marriage and contact with OM must stop to achieve a loving marriage.

You have got much to learn rather quickly. Try to spend some time here today/tomorrow discussing your situation in a give and take atmosphere. You've got access to a wealth of information and experienced Marriage Builder's that can help you through this. Read up on Orchid's Reverse Babble to assist you with communicating with your WW.

You will make it, with or without your wife...you will make it.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- If you can afford it set up an appointment with the true professional's, Dr. Harley or Jennifer.

Ah cake eating...satan's own sick facsimile of Godly marriage.

Firstly, you have the right to accept any situation you are happy with S-A. As long as you also take responsibility for the casualties of that situation.

Enabling your W to cake-eat is not "being understanding" , nor is it even remotely "plan A".

There are several burdens a BS has during an active affair, S-A. The dreadful pain is one. The humiliation as our weakness and overwhelming circumstances pressure us to accept crumbs - MUCH less than our just desserts is another.

There are more but the heaviest burden of all IME is that whatever you do you are teaching your children. Kids of almost any age will look INTENTLY to the stable parent at scary times like during affairs. And so they learn.

They learn about what is acceptable in relationships an d they learn about the nature of their stable parent.

S-A, right now what are you teaching your kids about relationships? What are you revealing to them about your nature?

You can continue to accept the cake-eating, but you must also accept the lessons you are teaching your children.

I accepted crumbs for a while S-A. I even attempted suicide. Then I realised everything I just told you. I decided to be the father my kids deserve, and the husband my Squid NEEDED. She was not STRONG ENOUGH to break her behaviours. She needed me to help her. Even if I ende dup alone I would regret NO PART of my battle for my marriage.

And , terrified to the point of dry heaves I exposed to OMs GF. I adopted plan A : an Intelligent, STUDIED plan A, even the hard parts. And I prayed, OH GOD I prayed. And a strange thing happened. Despite Squid becoming VERY angry and spiteful as I shot arrows into the foul, bloated heart of her affair demon, I felt ALIVE! Empowered like almost NEVER before !.
I became a GREAT dad to my kids. By my example I taught them that it is RIGHT to be faithful, truthful yet courageous. To stand up for marriage andour family. To make sure I was treated with the respect I deserved. That I would move mountains to recover our marriage only doing the RIGHT Thing, but I would not accept less than I deserved in return. That I would ALWAYS be there for my children's best interests.

S-A, your fear is paralysing you right now. Let me tell you this - you can't do ANYTHING to stop your W choosing OM over you.

You can only be the best "you" that you can be. If that , coupled with exposure and then a plan B doesn't bring your W back, then sir, she was never coming back, and at least you will be eble to look at you reflection and see nobility and strength. Decency.

DO NOT discount the price of admission into your heart. people do not value that which is cheap.

So what should you do ? Well, read my tale if you get a minute or two Click Here. I've bundled up a ton of the best plan A resources available from WONDERFUL folks.

You'll see that 15 months ago my Squid was so obsessed with OM she was stealing my kids college fund to set up home with OM as she screwed him in nasty motels. Bitchily indifferent to me. HATED me after I exposed. I was scared to death of losing even the crumbs I got during her affair.

After getting brave, things changed for me.

Now?

Well, my baby's just made our family dinner and we ate it laughing around our table. She played footsie with me under the table. She shares my bed, my life , my heart and my future. We love each other very much and you know - the brave action that I feared would drive her away actually ATTRACTED HER back to me she tells me now.

S_A please be the MAN your WW needs you to be in order to rescue her from herself. And be the father to you kids they deserve. I managed this and I'm just an English bloke, nothing special. Ordinary people like me can do GREAT things if they find sand.

For evil to prevail it needs just that Good men do nothing. Do SOMETHING S-A. STUDY MB and effect it.

God be with you.

mr wonderings and bobpure....
you lay pearls at our feet...

thank you so very much...........for the wisdom is wrought with pain and truly a gift......

ARK

Top of the morning to you...Bob

Killer Post...wish I had read it myself back in May.

I just copied my post above to SoAlone over onto Tired42's thread. I did not want to be presumptious and copy yours as well but encourage you to do the same. As far as I can tell it is pretty much an identical situation.

^^ Thanks for the compliment

Mr. Wondering

Ark, you are too kind dear lady.

Hi all..thanks for all the feedback...especially you b0B and MrWondering...you both made a lot of sense. Anyways, after a plea from me, she has agreed to not bring the kids around him anymore. Hopefully she sticks to that promise. I'm working towards moving to Plan B...I'll keep you posted as to how I make out.

so alone..

this is not the time for pleas....and I mean that kindly and with great clarity....that this is the time for action...

you can not believe her
she is so mired in her lies and the ability to rationalize anything...

where are you on exposing this affair to people...

the thing is there is NO reason for her to stick to her promise...her track recond for sticking to problems is not so great right now eh?

there is NOTHING and I do mean NOTHING more attractive or appealing than a MAN that does right by his children in the eyes of people and women...even when it seems like these actions will hurt your chances and make her pissy...

trust me on that...................

my posts without doubt can be harsh on this subject but this is one area that your fears can not impede what is the right thing to do........

better are you without a woman that endangers the children then with....
forever
period.

that is why her word is NOT enough
see the thing is you have no power or control over her exposing the kids...and her words are meaningless...

you must seek legal counsel on your rights
prepare to force the issue that she abandoned the children..etc...
which sound harsh..
but they are the truth..

she is picking a stranger over her own children,,...

BUT
so alone..
this does not mean by a long shot that I believe your marriage is doomed...

part of plan A is showing strength and honor when WS are so far removed from such things....

ARK