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CSUE:
How about that?
I came on line just to tell Grape this:
I made changes in PLAN A to make MYSELF into a better person NOT to get my husband back...
He came back simply because he wanted to...
He was afraid that he was losing ME..the PERSON that I had become...
not for HIM but to save myself!
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Mimi, I would really like you to answer about how you preceived your marriage was before your husband's affair. Did you think it was a good marriage, an equal marriage? Were there signs of trouble? Was the A a surprise? Do you think you were truly not fulfilling many of your H's needs?
Is he working his butt off as hard on recovery as you are? Is he completely remourseful? Do his tears have to do with a new tenderness in his heart? Grape: Why are you asking me these particular questions? How will answering these questions help YOU at this point? I will be glad to answer but I do want to understand your thought process here.. In general,our marriage is miraculously wonderful..right now...Yes, my H is sincerely repentant and evidently "in love" with me again. Despite this, I still have loads of PERSONAL HEALING AND WORK to do.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Lemonman,
Once again, you are keeping me up at night. I have been lying in bed pondering your question. Actually, it's something I think about quite often. Seems this all started when Lemonman (aka lemonhead--hee hee! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) hit a nerve by asking the question: What is this all for anyway? What M are you trying to save? My guess is, this hit a nerve because it is the ULTIMATE question. (Wouldn’t all BSs with a WS like to know that!) If you knew what relationship you were capable of having with WH—all other questions would be answered and you would no longer be in Plan B, no longer in limbo, no longer left wondering what will be my life in a year. If you had the answer to this question, you would be on a road to recovery—either alone or with him. The problem is, YOU can’t answer that question. Looking at your former M also seems like it is a waste of energy, since you are not trying to re-establish the old M-but to build something new and different. No one on this board can answer that question either. And though you want to—by searching for clues in other people’s stories (has anyone else been this far out and still come back, was anyone else unhappily before A and now recovered)—this will really ultimately lead you back to the same question—can WH do it? Will WH be like the others? What M am I trying to save? Probably very frustrating, but nonetheless true--the answer to what M you are trying to save—lies with you AND your WH. You mentioned you are analytical and dont like limbo-yet this kind of thinking keeps you in limbo and can be analyzed without resolution 'til you go nuts. Why not analyze what you can answer and get out of limbo--that is analyze how you are going to do Plan B through the holidays. And get out of limbo by determing a time frame for Plan B, or when you will decide when you will stop Plan B (i.e., I will reconsider how long I can do this on Jan. 3). You seemed much more energized during Graduation--this was probably because you were busy. So maybe getting busy planning events with the kids for the holidays will help. BTW, How do you plan to handle WH possible drop-ins? What about the in-laws? Will you attend their events? Good luck. For what it’s worth, you sound like a fantastic lady—no matter how this turns out you will still be fantastic--just look at your signature line! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
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..... I have been married for roughly, a million and a half years. Perhaps, it's an old habit. I've probably been married for almost as long as you have been alive. Orchid: Well that's a long time t/b married. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Would have thought his warranty would have worn out by now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I think there's a BS tendency to think that something will happen to change our WS. Orchid: Yes. that's the tendency but not reality. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> LM, it's been baby steps. I've changed the locks. I've seen a lawyer. I've gotten a job. I am not doing a year of Plan B. It's difficult to make the final break after so much time together, children, inlaws and common property. Orchid: Sounds like you are nearing a turning point. My inlaws think that if I could just be nicer and speak more sweetly to their conflict avoiding son that everything will be okay. Orchid: Of course, they c/b in the fog also. Blood too thick in the brain? My kids hate the whole thing. I think it's been very detrimental to my boys in college. WH has alienated them to the point where they don't want to be around him. Orchid: Therein' lies your support. Love your children. Reassure them of your love and support. In turn they w/b there for you. .... I try to resist being a revisionist. I can just think about the crappy things WH has done and that certainly builds resolve. I think he has always been a horrible husband and father. I think he has no idea about what it means to be a husband and a father. I don't see that changing. I fear that even if something happened and we got back together, he would do it again. Or I would become a WW. Orchid: Reality bites. But you have the choice NOT t/b a WW. I know that I need more than I'm getting. I'm tired of living in a big house with DD. I'm tired of the maintenance, the aloneness. I was married for a long time. I would like another person in my life but I will not do it until this is done. I hate limbo. I am a very strong person. I will survive and flourish. Orchid: Good to see you are learning to ID your needs. This s/b something you should pay more attention to. I'll probably edit this in the morning. Nightie night. Orchid: Ooohhh, I hope not. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Hugz, L.
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Thank you everyone for your responses. I had an excellent rest last night, (thanks for Tylenol pm) and am much more functional today.
After reading the whole thread, plus additions, over again, I feel tearful and emotional. What does Grape want? What does Grape need? Where is Grape going?
I will multi-task these thoughts in with my caring of special needs kids today. More ruminations later.
Thanks to everybody.
Grapes are versatile. Grapes can be sour, sweet, sublime as wine and fabulous even when old and dried out.
Me: BS
XCH: Clueless
2-DS: Bigger than me
1-DD: Now also bigger than me!
5/6: Personally served CH with divorce papers
6/6: CH F? wants to time to see if M can be saved
7/6: FCH reenters our lives to work on marriage but secretly signs papers to start divorce...what's that about?
Mediation set for November
Final dissolution in January 2007.
2008 and beyond: Life goes on...
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I had to split this up, cause I wanted to make sure that grape got her hugs...But LM and all, You guys give great advice! And I picked on Sourguy, cause while reading his dissertation on GG's problems, I got about halfway thru and all i could think about was this old lady (sorry graper, but 1 mil+ years?, ya gotta be old) grabbing her ball and stomping off. Flipping her head angrily....jumping and yelling a little before flipping head and stomping.. oh well, just hope you guys realize that I am teasing graper and LM, I just got the giggles alittle. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> Disclaimer: DO NOT take me seriously or get angry over this silly post! jls
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Hugs grape. Just want to say I am thinking of you. It is hard letting go of everything and sarting off a whole new life. I am making those choices now myself. Do I move away or stay. Start a whole new job at my age? Make new friends ? It is much easier to just sit back and hope. I know it will not help and am at the edge of making such major life changes. My children are grown but fear a D. They love their step dad very much. They worry about me not having anyone. My family also wants me to stay. If there is no drastic change soon by Thanksgiving I am gone. I am working on me now and securing the funds to make a move.
I want to say Lemon is sometimes harsh -usually harsh in his answers - (sorry Lemon) but true. It does hit hard and heavy but he is right as well as Mimi. It is alot to take and hits painfully hard. Yet Lemons answer to me woke me up. Hard to do -yet so true. Whey live with no H -you already are and have been.
married 21
Together 26 -
OW 2yrs, he worked with her and found secret e-mail account.The first cut is the deepest.
just found out H is a serial cheater - total cut to pieces now- saw a D lawyer today.
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To my Nemesis Lemon: This is eerie... When I wrote the post saying that I made Plan A changes to "SAVE MYSELF" , I did not know that you had previously used the EXACT SAME WORDS in your post as quoted below... You said: I however did use this message board and the wisdom from many others to save myself...which in the end, was of much greater value to me, and I would like to say to other people in this life. I am a much better person and doctor being "recovered".....As a "recovered" man, I am better for our community WOW!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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CSUE:
How about that?
I came on line just to tell Grape this:
I made changes in PLAN A to make MYSELF into a better person NOT to get my husband back...
He came back simply because he wanted to...
He was afraid that he was losing ME..the PERSON that I had become...
not for HIM but to save myself! Mimi, I remember when you were going through this...It's so nice to see you on the other side of personal recovery, however I suspect you're like me in that it's a journey not a destination! Congratulations! Grape, you've got a good group of people here who care....glad you got a good night sleep! Let us know how you're doing.
"The actions you speak are louder than your words!"
Author unknown
"Miracles are seen in light."
From "A Course In Miracles".
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What a difference it makes having a couple of decent nights of sleep. I have been reading and rereading this thread for the last 2 days. Each time, it comes at me a little differently. I've been thinking and thinking. I'm not done thinking but I didn't want to give the impression that I stomped off the court and was taking my ball and going home.
Besides some good sleep, I've done a few things to make myself feel better. For one thing, I have gently told my sons that while I am a sympathic ear, I really can't handle being dumped on too much. Right now, I just don't have the emotional resources to deal with their problems (hard classes at college, being dumped by a girlfriend, lost cellphones, etc.) Secondly, I've decided to wean myself from contact with my Inlaws. If they have decided to condone their son's behavior, so be it. If they feel they would rather not be with their grandkids for Christmas because their cheating son isn't there, so be it. Third, my brother persuaded me to have my mom's 88th birthday party at my house. I feel stressed about this because I just can't seem to keep my house clean. However, I take it as a challenge and everybody can take me as I am. Fourth, I'm going to buy my new car within the next week.
I'm staying dark. I'm going to reevaluate after Christmas. At the end of February, WH is doing this Eco-challenge thing with his company in New Zealand. This should be interesting for a 52 year old man with metal hips who wouldn't take the dogs for a walk, has never taken his kids on a bike ride and refused to go in the water whenever we were at the beach. I wish him the best of luck. Maybe it will fulfill his midlife crisis... No, I don't expect any miraculous happening. It just seems like spring is a time for new beginnings.
Is this a better frame of mind? Am I in the right direction? I'm not done thinking yet. Questions for me is just how much CAN a man change and what do I want from my marriage and what do I need for me?
Grapes are versatile. Grapes can be sour, sweet, sublime as wine and fabulous even when old and dried out.
Me: BS
XCH: Clueless
2-DS: Bigger than me
1-DD: Now also bigger than me!
5/6: Personally served CH with divorce papers
6/6: CH F? wants to time to see if M can be saved
7/6: FCH reenters our lives to work on marriage but secretly signs papers to start divorce...what's that about?
Mediation set for November
Final dissolution in January 2007.
2008 and beyond: Life goes on...
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Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
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Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310 |
Questions for me is just how much CAN a man change and what do I want from my marriage and what do I need for me? Great questions, Grape. How can I be of help?
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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