My first post so bear with me. Busted husband via the cell phone bill 3 months ago. I hadn't checked it in ages because I am busy working and raising our two very young children. He denied it for an hour while I called the number (a woman answered, I said I had the wrong number), then kept going through old bills. I waived them in his face, saying her number is all over the bills for at least the last year. The calls were few and far between initially but in the last six months they were talking several times a day. They only spoke M - F during business hours. He says the relationship started out professional (his company works with her company) and then she started calling him to "see how he was doing." He says the relationship never progressed to sex but I don't believe him simply because he is a man. My h is 40 and the ow is 50. My husband and I have a very nice lifestyle and this woman is married and has very modest means. I did end up speaking to her and she also denied anything sexual but what else is she going to say to keep me from telling her husband? (I did not tell him). I am 35, attractive and in the best shape of my life, particularly after going through this (working out daily has made me feel better about myself.)

Husband came clean after denying for an entire hour. He said she is just a friend and he hid it from me because it was an inappropiate but nonsexual affair. He confesses to an emotional affair which for me, I can handle and get through but sexual is a breach I cannot forgive. He says she listened to him, sided with him, boosted his ego, who knows what else. Our 14 year marriage had become filled with indifference and disrespect. I couldn't wait to get him out of the house everyday. He says they met for coffee a couple of times but that's it. I could never find evidence of anything sexual. (Our sex life was decent considering that we were often unloving to one another), there were no hotel bills, no large cash withdrawals, no credit card usage, no unexplained evenings out. He really doesn't go out at night socially unless I am with him. My husband does like to drink and I think alcohol would have to be involved for it to progress to sex. He doesn't need it to have sex but he needs it to use bad judgement. He doesn't drink during the day. This is where I need your help...

My h called and ended it with her. Told her he had hurt me deeply and he would not be calling her anymore and she could no longer call him. I asked him to change his cell number which he did willing. H is professing his love for me profusly, apologizing, being attentive, etc. We went through a marriage building weekend program with follow-up sessions. He was a VERY willing participant. We cried and cried and shared so much of ourselves and our pain, grief, guilt, sorrow with each other. We see a mc and we try to do daily discussions about our feelings to build intimacy after this disaster. My h has never been a church goer but he has wholeheartedly embrassed church attendance and we pray as a couple now. I want to build our marriage but I can't seem to let go of it, I'm like a bull dog. One of my flaws is that I am a very suspicious and untrusting person by nature. I feel like I can't go on if he slept with her, is this wrong of me? He has done everything right since he told me and seems incredibly committed to me and our family. I'd like to hear your imput. Should I just let go of it and do my part to rebuild our marriage too? Is he telling the truth? If they did have sex does he really HAVE to tell me and do I really NEED to know? I am particularly curious to hear from people who have survived an affair and are certain their marriage is better than ever.

Thanks for listening.

Oh, STMS... I'm so sorry you are here, BUT I'm thrilled to hear about the progress you and your H have already made. Your story is a lot like mine. My first caution would be, should he continue working with her in any capacity? NO! Do whatever it takes to go NO CONTACT. My H was home for 2 mos after the A ended and our M was going great I thought, then the relapse. NO CONTACT is so important.

What I have learned regarding your other questions.

1. This life isn't about you and your husband. It is about you and God, and your husband and God. If your husband can HONESTLY repent his sins before God, who knows all, then that will be enough for you. BUT he MUST be honest. I don't think it's a good idea to put him in the position that if he had an EA, you will work on the M, but if it was a PA, you want a divorce. Makes it very very hard for him to be honest with you. I hope for your sake it was an EA only, but if not I do think the radical honesty is important. The black stone of that lie will sit in his heart like a tumor, and you just never know how it will poison your M in a thousand little ways. Our pastor talked Sunday about Adam & Eve being naked, not only physically, but emotionally as well - and the importance of that vulnerability, honesty & openness.

2. I have learned that forgiveness is a process. Forgiveness is also a decision. It is NOT a feeling necessarily. It takes time. The FWS must EARN your trust and respect back. It sounds like your H is trying very hard to do that.

3. The truth will out. Eventually. If he is lying lying lying to you and you are living in a parallel universe of lies from him, and he's living a double life, you will eventually find this out. The conscience cannot (for most) live in that state for too long. It would be hard for him to be investing 100% in your M, and cheating at the same time. Most people I have heard of cannot do this. When my H's relapse happened, I trusted him completely that the A was over, but yet I was begging him to TALK to me, and I felt a growing distance that scared me. If you feel safe with your H right now, I bet he's being faithful. It's always ok after A especially, to keep one eye open for deception though. When you "catch" him telling the truth, it builds trust. And if you "catch" him lying, you handle that with him and MC and here at MB.

4. We ALL stand in need of forgiveness. My heart grew hard toward my H before the A. I was resentful of prior alcoholism, little help with the children, over-spending, all sorts of things that put a wedge in our M that I didn't realize. I didn't respect him as a man. I treated him like a child. I was too controlling.
"My way or the highway, I'm the one who does everything for this family, and I know what's best. Your idea is...well, okay. But mine is the way to do it. You haven't thought this thru as much as me." - that type of thing. Oh, I never SAID those things. Worse, they were just implied in every reaction I had to whatever was going on. If I had actually SAID them, he could have called me on it, but when it's just implied, it's a little harder to pin down. Subtle, not blatant. But very harmful. Was that keeping MY marriage vow to honor him? No.

I need his forgiveness for that selfishness on my part, my judgemental attitude, my right-fighting. It WAS well-intentioned on my part, or so I thought. I was hurting him and my M.
You H made mistakes here, big ones. BUT both partners have responsibility for the problems when these things happen. You must work at growing a spirit in your heart of peace, love, joy, kindness, gentleness, goodness, - the fruit of the Spirit which God extends to us and we are called to extend to others.

I just promise you SO MUCH that if you can soften your heart, pass Christ's LOVE on to him in every way possible by tenderly caring and loving on him, you will reap the benefits of that tenfold, and he will cherish and treasure you as his most precious gift from God.

Our marriage is better than ever. Yes, there are incredible hurts and pain, and we are still in recovery. But we are honest, open, and loving now. Every day I learn something new about bringing God's peace and love into our relationship. I'm so far from perfect it's not funny, but God is perfect, and with Him as your guide you CANNOT go wrong.

Blessings!
MSA

Mrs. STOWaway,

Thank you so much for listening. Your response made me cry, my emotions are so raw and overwhelming. I have never been very religious (like my husband) but I too am coming to understand the importance of God, forgiveness, and prayer in our marriage. It's just so hard to get beyond the horrible pain which morphs into angry outbursts. We see our MC tonight and I am reading "The Power of A Praying Wife." I highly recommend it. You are correct, our situations sound very simillar, I may contact you again since you are further along in the recovery than I am.

With tremendous appreciation...thank you.

I would love to hear from you and how you are doing anytime! I need to add that to my reading list, maybe I'll bring it on the vacation to read.

God bless (and He will!!!)

MSA