Okay, first time here, but here is my story please bare with me.
Husband and I have been married 23 years, 2 kids both grown
one with severe cerebral palsy (daughter, whom he adopted from my first marriage).
We always had a very close and loving marriage a few squabbles nothing serious.
My husbands mother died very suddenly in May and he hasn't really shown any emotions one way or another, no crying, internalizing everything. When I ask him if he thinks about her he says "Why should I she is dead and there isn't anything I can do about it.
Shortly after that I felt that something wasn't quite right
with our relationship, he began withdrawing from me, picking fights etc. Well of couse the red flags when up and I ask him if he had another woman, he said no and that I would be the first to know if there was.
We went on vacation the beginning of July and his cell kept ringing. He would leave and go places for hours and say he was just walking around. He said the calles were from his work and I said that can't be because you are in another state and I know you boss, she wouldn't call you (she is a friend of mine). I know that I am rambling, I'm really sorry
I confronted him and he said it was a girl he was talking to.
I said if thats the case and it's all innocent then left me hear the voice mail. He didn't. I left Colorado and drove back to Texas and checked in a motel for a few days.He comes a day later.
He said he need time to himself to think. He wanted to move out. I told him if that is what he wanted that I wouldn't stop him and that I was not giving up on us. He moved out a month later. Came back 4 times and moved out the last time on Sept 11. Moved into his own place and ow was over there all the time. He was fired from his job becasue of the affair. ow is bipolar with personaily disorder. He was them evicted from his apt (nojob) Moved in with ow and will be moving into his own place at the end of the month, now that he has another job.
Ive tried plan a and showed him how much I love him and how much he means to me and the family. I'm Kinda in Plan B right now because I have had no contact with him in two weeks becasue he says he still needs his time to think. I said how and you think when you are living with ow.
I have gone through the anger, sadness, numbness and disbelief these last couple of months. I am also going to counseling now, and she said to limit contact to.
I really think he will come home eventually but I told him that the only way would be nc with ow and marriage counseling for us. I love him so much and don't want to throw away our marriage but I can't be the only one willing to work on it. Please, any advice would be appreciated.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. Very often, an affair starts right after a personal loss, like his mother's death.

I hope you will read all about Plan A here, and try to stick with it. That is the starting point. It sounds like your husband has already experienced some of the consequences of his affair. That is good.

All you can do is work on yourself, and try to be the lighthouse and show him the way home.

Dear WOTL,

Just here to lend my support to you. No expert advice, but am so sorry you are having to go through this. It is one of the most awful things anyone has to experience. Believer has given you a good starting point: Reading up on Plan A. You also might wish to get Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley.

You have a long road ahead of you. Take care of yourself and keep yourself strong.

Kimberly

Thank you both for your replies.
Just a question can I still do plan a with him out of the house?

Yep, Plan A. You need to do it to show him what a good wife he has. Somewhere here is a post about being the "lighthouse", and showing him the way home. Hopefully someone can find it.

Hang in there. You have come to the right place.

Believer
Thanks for the info.
I've been lurking here for a couple of weeks and alot of the posts sounds so much like me and what I'm going through. You know "I love you but not in love with you. One day WS is nice and the other he's mad at the world. I know it's the fog. I just get so frustrated with it all but I refuse to give up. I have always been there for WS
20 years in the military, etc. I know when your married a long time thinks tend to get boring and routine. I'm hoping to change that.
Yes, he's hurting because of the affair, especially financially. I have exposed him to family, friends and OW
family. He has separated himself from family and friends now because he says they are wrong and there is nothing wrong with him.
Hopefully it will get better and he will start coming out of the fog.

Can anyone tell me where I can find the "lighthouse?"

Can ayone tell me what this might mean-- I just talked to my wh and I asked him if he has made any decisions about us and he said he wasn't sure of anything any more and he is at a point in his life...
My son asked him if he was ready to dump the bi**h yet and he said he didn't know. I wondered if I'm just spinning my wheels here, I don't want to give up on us, I love him but feeling a bit frustrated right now.

Here is the lighthouse post (if I do this right):

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Jean
Thanks for the info. I need all the help I can get