I have read tons of information via books and online
regarding sexual addiction. Compulsive masturbation, porn, 'acting out' with OW, prostitutes, etc.

Do you believe this is a 'label' for a true character defect or ???

From the questionnaire my H filled out, he is an 'addict'. He is no longer going to MC or IC as this topic will come up and he will not discuss it. It has also come to light he was 'inappropriately touched' by a coach of his when he was a kid. He will not discuss this issue either.

I am at a loss.

I cannot make him go to counseling, SA or not, he has
some problems.
Even if I demanded he go and get help, would he just be going thru the motions to keep me from leaving, or to
really get out of the pain he is in ?

Help.....

tlsmi-
You came to the right place for help! There is a lot of great material on the MB website that can help you.
I'm not a so called expert on here but I will give you my opinion.
He needs to understand how he is making you feel about what he is doing. He needs to understand that he is hurting you and your marriage. You need to be clear with him. let him know that your marriage hangs in the balance. No matter how you get him to a IC and MC get him there. Once in the door a good IC or MC will reach him.
I base my comments from experience. He will feel embarrassed to talk to others about his problems. Porn is an addiction that he needs help with. It's just like drugs in the fact it leads to more and more at all cost of what matters around you. It sounds that he is out of control. Lowering himself to hired women and coming home to you. I feel so sorry for you and him. He needs help! Take care of yourself, and god bless you!
Please research the MB for material that can help you.

dazed

It's an intimacy problem, an emotional problem, however you would like to term it, but sexual addiction is something that needs to be dealt with by counseling. It doesn't heal on it's own. But it takes the willingness of the person who is addicted in order to overcome it.

Like so many addictions, there is not much you can do to get help for him, but there is much you can do to get help for yourself.

There are some great websites out there, one has a partners workshop www.recoverynation.com.

Often, the person in the midst of the addiction is caught in a cycle and there is NO motivation to change unless they begin to feel some dire consequences (an arrest, pending divorce, loss of job, etc.) It's sad that it has to get there for some people... How low does your H have to get before he realizes the problem?

Thank you all for your replies.
I have read this entire site, and other sites and SA sites. I have all the Harley books, joined an S-anon support group last week, got the tatoo.

I have told him how I feel. I have told him how this hurts me. I have told him all of this, calmy, lovingly. No LB's.

Our MC was going really well these past months, I thought.

Went away for a night to see my Mom and he looked at Porn 3 different times while I was gone. One of my boundaries after the prostitute-no porn-HE ADMITTED it led him to act out in Feb.

Now that this sex issue has come up he is stonewalling me.
The more I push for IC the more he retreats, calls it all
'psycho-babble'.
IC told me today it appears he must hit rock bottom.

I am getting my ducks in a row and have copied all
financials,etc. and a friend has them in safe deposit box.
Next step, lawyer. Can't believe I just typed that.

Half of my life on this planet I have been standing right beside this man. Love him with all my heart. He was my hero. According to him, I met all EN's. Then, after much research.... tried to be compassionate about his 'issues'.
Where did it get me?

Sweating out the results of my next AIDS test.

I have to step back and distance myself from him ....because this is killing me piece by piece. I did not sign up for this.


I have been doing all the work here and I am
tired and broken. Please pray for me and more importantly...my husband....

Thanks for listening.

Sometimes an addict doesn't "get it" until their SO has "had it". The Rational Recovery sites is very honest about this and says we were not enablers or codependent in their behavior, we had absolutely NOTHING to do with their choices and addiction. What you can call us is "SUCKER" we were lied to and chose to believe them...we were trusting.

Yes, protecting yourself, and mostly protecting yourself from his choices...He will either learn from this...or not, but that is not YOUR choice or responsibility, just like he didn't ask your advice before he visited these porn sites, he also will not ask your advice about whether he chooses to "get it".

Milkshake is going through this...check out her threads...I post mostly on "In Recovery", because after 2 years of "recovery" since his last A, I discovered the compulsive m/bing was ongoing, and lied about our entire M. Some folks that are very helpful are Drucilla, JavaPrincess, and Lilybelle.

I missed the part earlier where you said your husband was inappropriately touched by a coach and he won't talk about it. Sex abuse, guys are really bad about stuffing those emotions down deep. Now the prostitutes make sense, that is his payback for his pain. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with that. He is trying to deal with being a man when he was just a kid. He definitely needs the counseling to work through the issues in his life even as embarassing as it might be. Maybe he needs his own counselor, the right counselor, whatever it is that he needs to work through it. He needs someone he can trust and talk to and be open with. Maybe even a very close male friend that he can talk to who can understand and sympathize. But he needs to get those feelings out that are deep down.

Ask me, thank you.....
This means more to me than you know.
I am so confused right now.

According to him, this prostitute was the first time.
On his business trip, the company that supplies his company (automotive) paid for the 'entertainment' to come back to his room in Shanghai, China.


He filled out a 'sexual abuse in childhood questionnaire'
that I gave him ..and I know, judging by his answers, something really awful happened to him.

Two weeks ago I asked him if he would be more comfortable with a male therapist (our current MC is female) he said
"no." Group therapy? "maybe".

When I told him "I know you are in pain.. talk to me...I will listen" he said
all misty eyed - "I feel inadequate"

Oh my God, I can't help him.

I can't fix this.

I am wanting to say something, but I am not sure how to put it. I am no expert here. But something in your posts that stuck out to me - you are saying that the next step is to file for D. I don't think you are there yet!

So often times I hear people say "I am just going to put up with this as long as I possibly can and then I am out of here". It seems that there is some place in between. I don't know your whole story - but does your H know how desperate you are? I know you have talked to him, you have tried to support him, but does he truly know that you are ready to file?

My heart hurts for you!

I think that your H needs individual help before he will be ready for MC again. His issues are likely to be way bigger than you even realize.

I have been hanging on since Feb. but trust me this is not an option I am taking lightly.

This is devastating me.

No, I have not told him I am ready to leave because I am not.... I love this man. But what else can I try?

He is refusing to go to counseling.
I cannot live like this.

tlsmi-
Okay, he needs motivation to stop and get help. 1) Loosing the woman he loves should make him think. 2) In order to protect yourself you should be getting your ducks in a row.
You can drop me an email if you want experience based advice. brownk@ccc-ces.com
dazed

I think that might be the verification that something did happened as a child and he is still struggling with it. He needs to understand he is not less of a man for dealing with his issues. Usually men who reach this point believe to admit to something happening is to admit they are not men. But in reality they were little kids who could not stop what happened. But to look at it now in their memory they see it as an adult and they wonder why they didn't stop what was happening. How could they, they were only a child. That is what he needs to understand. He was just a child.

I appreciate your responses very much.

I had done some research on childhood sexual abuse and he did fill out a questionnair regarding this. It was
disturbing the thoughts he has. Some statements he checked off as a "Yes" -

You cannot count on others.
Sex is overwhelming to me.
I always have to please others.
I feel inadequate.
Body shame and disgust with own sexuality.


Yet, he will not get help.

I know he was just a little kid. It was not his fault.
He is in so much pain, I know it...

I had my 2nd S-Anon meeting last week and it was very helpful. He is out of my control...I am powerless, etc.etc.
I am going day by day and focusing not on him right now but myself, focusing on him, snooping, was destroying me.


And I continue to have hope for some peace
in his heart.