I just wanted to know what is your opinion about this. A while ago I found two tickets for a concert for the 19/12. I was waiting until then to collect evidence. If the tickets are for me, that would be great. If not, what shall I do? Can I wait that long? If not, how can I approach the subject again. There never seems to be a right time.

Yesterday night for example was good, we sat down, I cooked a meal, he complimented me, watched TV, talked, he cuddle up to me.

Our son has been ill and woke up at 4.30am so today we are both tired and when I called him at work he had to mention he could not keep his eyes open. That has been one of the topics of discussion since our child was born. He always goes on how tired he is etc but I am tired as well, never asks me how tired I am!!!

My sister and cousin are coming over tomorrow (I live in the UK but am originally from Spain, H is British) so I would not like to say anything till they leave, but not sure how to start.

I have read plan A. Is it basically to tell them to stop all contact (which he said he has done) If I say have you contacted her his answer will be 'why are you bringing this up, we cannot be like this, it is over, I don't want to be questioned all the time etc'. But then when he has agreed to finish all contact, what next?

Thanks,
mawb

As I understand it, Plan A is to put as much love into the relationship as possible. That is, focus on meeting his top needs and not commiting any LBs (love busters--yelling, sarcasm, disrespectful judgements).

In many cases there is still contact during Plan A...which is why some eventually have to go to Plan B. In your case, I would simply focus on doing what you can to fulfill his needs. Sit tight and collect evidence. If he is still in contact, he will slip up and you will find it. Especially if he doesn't know you are still checking.

Isn't there an old record you can trace from the text messages that were sent....in order to determine who it was. (I would wonder if it isn't someone you know--or why would he be so protective of her identity?)

If he is not in contact, or if you don't find evidence after a few more weeks (if you can wait that long), then I would get a babysitter, and go somewhere together to talk.
Present the conversation as a safe place to open up, hold his hand. Try your best not to yell or accuse. Just insist he open up, that you won't judge him, but that you need to know what happened and who it was. (If he drinks, start the conversation after a glass of wine!)

Present it as though you are asking for his help, not accusing or judging him, but just asking so that you can let it go. Try to be gentle--but firm and consistent in what you want: the truth. Don't back down.

Tell him that you know there is more to the story and that you can take his honesty--whatever happened--that you love him and that you want to work it out (if this is true)--but that you cannot take his lies. His ommissions are lies.

If he gets angry, tell him he has nothing to fear. If he says, nothing happened. Then ask for details on what he has admitted--they went to lunch, how many times? Where? what did they talk about it? What is her name? Insist that you KNOW there is more.

Dont let him bully you...or threaten the relationship will end if you make him tell you. I would call his bluff on this one! What relationship do you really have anyway, if it is based on half-truths and if you are feeling so insecure?

This is just his defense mechanism to get you to back down--and it is selfish and unfair to you. Its not a sincere effort to help the relationship or to allow you both to move on (its doing the opposite isn't it--holding you in the past)

The truth really will free your mind and allow you to move forward--don't be afraid! If you are afraid of losing him over insisting on the truth...then he is already gone.

Keep posting! Hang in there.

ANYONE ELSE HAVE ANY IDEAS?

Thanks for your reply. I have beat myself up so many times for not writing the number down before showing the text to my husband! But that is done now! After the texts go from his mobile they get deleted, he doesn't keep a history. Most of incoming e-mails get deleted as well. Does anybody know of a way of tracing back history on texts? If so, I would love to look through them!

Do you think is worth waiting until 19/12 for that concert tickets? That will give me a clear idea if he is up to something. He never takes me to concerts, sometimes he goes with his mates, but not me. I have been talking about this band after I found the tickets, like 'the tickets have sold out' ' I wanted to buy you tickets, etc, but he is not giving anything away!

I am really trying to be nice to him. Just now I called him and he had an argument with somebody at work, left to go for lunch at home, I felt very touch that he explained me all the story, that is another example of him being over-tired and losing his temper at work. The after 30 minutes or so I called back and he said 'What do you want' and I said ' Just to see how you were' and he said 'I have just spoken to you' and I said 'You were were angry before and I wanted to check how you were' he said 'Tired'
So I am trying to be nice, happy, but I just feel like going back home and tonight saying ' I have called you because I was worried about you and all you can do is being nasty to me, I am tired as well and I am trying but you don't' but that will just start an argument again...confusing!

Any ideas on how to check up on him? Apart of his mobile, which is quite difficult, wallet, what else and how?

Thanks for encouraging others to respond! It really helps.

Please, change the title of your thread to (or start new one):

"New Here!Need advice on Tracking H."

Then, more posters can chime in with tips.

I think it would be worth it to wait until the concert, if you can. Also, can't you get old records from your phone service provider? Press redial when you get home, if he has been home. What about a key stroke spy program that records what is typed on your home computer?

Anyone else with some SPY IDEAS?

Ahuman has given you good advice (esp about changing your thread title to indicate that you need tracking info)

Digital, voice activated recorders are suggested often, search for a thread to get tips. See about getting detailed phone bills. Maybe start keeping a secret daily log of signs and symptoms so you can identify patterns of behavior and keep from thinking you are just making stuff up.

Trust your gut, once I was willing to entertain the notion that WH was having an A, I busted him less than 24 hours later.

Thanks for both suggestions. I have the bills from home and have called some mobile numbers that are in his mobile but no luck in finding anything.

I have posted another threat to see if I can get more information. Maybe some service that can tell you which mobile number belongs to whom?

If you get a number, there are reverse address books on-line allowing you to find the name with the number.

Also, try calling his mobile phone service and ask for past bills that list the numbers....or wait for a new one to arrive at the house and intercept it!

The voice activated recorders have provided evidence for some on this board--they were placed in the car so as to catch the person when they were alone in the car and talking on the phone.

(Be prepared for all kinds of crazy explanations. I remember someone saying their WS said he was talking to himself in the car---and that he didn't know who the other voice on the recorder was!!)

Try here, http://www.reversephonedirectory.com/
if they don't have the #, it will usually tell you who the service provider is, maybe that will help. For example, Verizon has a phone book on line.

Start righting down these numbers, looking for a pattern. Go to a pay phone and call them, the OW in my situation would never answer her phone for me, WH must have given her my number.

Read the owners manual for H's phone, see if he has is set to automatically delete text messages. Sneak in and change that if possible.

Quick question-you and H live together right? But you don't know where he files his bills? If this turns out bad, are you prepared financially? It makes me nervous as I am a SAHM whose WH handled the money and it is a scary place to be. Can you check credit card statements?

I am in the Uk so I am not sure if there is a directory for mobile phone numbers. I have called a few numbers using 141 (in the UK this shows a withheld number so they would not know. There are three that are most of the times on answer phone message.

I handle most of the bills in the house and I work, so it would not bother me financially (that much, obviusly I would have to move) That he keeps his pay slips, bank statements in different places has always been the case, not sure why but I have seen his payslip, know how much he earns, and he hasn't hide that for me. He has his own current account, and has no credit card (that I know of)

While I wrote this I started worrying about it...

Any progress? How are you doing today?

Hi,

Thanks for asking. I haven't been able to get to the computer as my sister has been over for the weekend.
Up and down to be honest.
My decision was to stick with Plan A until 19/12 (concert day) be lovely, try not to argue or make little comments here and there but keep my eyes open and look for evidence.
But this is easier said than done. As I am thinking about it all the time and don't see H for long periods of times, I get very worked up and make stories on my mind, then when I see H I am in such a state that I cannot help making nasty comments, or ask him too much if he is OK or be extra nice and push him away...well I cannot make it right, and then he backs off.
Today I was even thinking about confronting him saying that he is not as nice as he has been, that what is going on, but I know that that won't help the situation.
I think I need to see a counseller, but haven't got the time!!

Suggestions?
Thanks

I wouldn't read too much into how he acts to find your clues.

Focus on what you know, focus on YOU...what you can do to be a better wife, mom, woman. It will pay off in the long run if he is still in contact or not. If you find your mind making up stories, read about something esle, or read about Plan A.

Did you contact his phone cell service provider to see if you can set up an online account?

Anyone else have any suggestions?

Good luck. Keep posting.

Hi,

A bit of an update. Yesterday I was very tired and worked up. I had a client meeting that wasn't very pleasant and was a round trip of 8 hours in the car, so lots of thinking time, and getting worked up about things. When I got home I confronted H about his mobile phone and where was he keeping it. He went mad, he said that I was driving him crazy, that I had to get over it, that he could not live like that. H went off to play football and when he came back was still mad. Went to bed and tried to talk to him. He asked me why I keep on mentioning the phone that if I want to look at it go ahead but he cannot live with me dropping little comments. He said: Is it always in your mind? and I said: Yes. He said that it would not work if I was all the time like that and that he thought we had moved on. The last few weeks have been the happiest for a long time but now he thought it was all false and a lie if I keept thinking about it and not moving forward.

There was lots said and I even asked him to move out. After a few moments he apologised and said that he was prepared to work on it. He didn't want to go backwards because the last year had been a nightmare and he was prepared to leave me if I hadn't find the text and made all the improvements.

I told him that I needed to know more about what happened who was she? how did they met? How many times they went for lunch? etc. At the beginning he didn't want to answer because he said he didn't want to go back there. But finally he gave some information and swore that there was nothing, he just needed somebody to pay him attention and listen to him, that he would have never imagine being with her, that was just talking.

We are going to talk more tomorrow but he said he loved me and that he wanted to continue trying but I couldn't keep on dropping little comments because it was taking us backwards.

I mentioned my sister was over and he has told her that the tickets for the concert are for me!!!!!! He has buy them as a surprise and told her not to tell me.

I am feeling quite upbeat today. What do you think?

Any comments welcome.

That sounds like a really great start! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> From my own experience and from reading on this board, it seems it takes a couple of discussions like this for the whole truth to come out.

Here's my 2 cents....

When you talk to him tonight, try creating a "free zone"--reassuring him that you love him, that you need to understand what happened (to your satisfaction) for the benefit of the M and not to attack him or place blame on him--that the truth and his ability to openly discuss it is the way you can let it go and rebuild trust.

For him to talk through this openly also requires you not to do any LBs--so maybe reading the section on LBs before would help. (You mentioned he was frustrated with your questioning--were you approaching it politely and straight forward or in attack mode?)

Also, if issues about privacy and secrecy about his actions have been an issue (or just a habbit) in your M, maybe talking about practical steps that he can take to be more transparent in his life and actions....bank account transactions, telephone records. If he could show you the text message number and then his statements since then to PROVE that he has not contacted her, for example. Maybe this would help you feel better....remeber the burden of proof is on him not you.

Finally, aksing him about an NC letter and/or how he will handle any work events where she attends--always telling you if he ever runs into her etc. Assure him you will not attack him about it, but that it is how you will feel safe again.

I am really glad for you about the tickets and that you had the discussion---real steps in the right direction. I don't want to put things in your head--as I obviously know nothing more about this situation that what you have posted on the board. But please remember that the FWS that is still hiding stuff--uses defensiveness and threats to protect their behavior. This sort of behavior has no place in a healthy M anyway.

REMEMBER: His failure to be open and honest in the past is the reason you now doubt him and feel this way. He owns this. So, it is up to him to reassure you and to rebuild your trust in him...by answering in detail your questions about his interactions with her, who she is, why this woman felt comfortable saying things like "luv u" after just a few lunches....until you feel comfortable it is the truth and reassured it won't happen again.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!