Long story short, WS and I are playing musical houses. He moved out (got apt) and I stayed in the house. I decided to move to another town so he moved back home. I'm having trouble finding employment so I need to move back into the house. Soooo, WS is moving out again. We have court date for divorce in Nov. and I got a "support" card from spouse telling me how wonderful and strong I am and that I will get through this. He signed it "love always". Last night I finally acknowledged that I received the card and asked him what it meant. He got teary and tried to hug me (I was in car, he was outside). I asked him again if the divorce was what he wanted (he filed). He shrugged his shoulders and tried to maintain his composure. He said he is "too ashamed of what I did" and that things could never be the same between us and/or our friends. I think this is growth, it's the first time he has acknowledged his shame. I told him that all that matters is what the two of us think and if I could forgive him he shouldn't give a darn about other people. He is going away on a bus. trip this weekend, which is when I'm moving back in. I told him, "you realize we'll be living there when you get back?" and he said he won't be coming back (to the house). I once again told him you know I'd like you to stay, right? Yes. I asked him where he was going to live and he said "I don't know". I think this is fog speak for "I'm moving in with OW". He said he'd be gone Wed. - Sun. It dawned on me that he was probably moving in with OW on Wed. I don't think his trip would start until Fri.

I guess you could say I'm trying to do Plan A. However, one of his main unmet EN was SF - not enough. Can't and won't fill that need while he is with OW. He also wanted more of the Donna Reed thing, meals, housekeeping, etc. This is where it gets complicated. I think he wants the stereotypical relationship where a woman does a woman's job and a man does a man's job. However, I had to work FT, was responsible for ALL the childrearing, cooking, cleaning, secretarial, social, etc. etc. He worked like a dog (his choice) but he did not do the other "man" jobs such as keep up the house, etc. I also forked over my paycheck and he had ALL the money power. I got resentful at what I perceived as the unbalanced nature of the relationship and slacked off in the domestic arena. As far as SF goes, it wasn't the quality, just the quantity. Once again, I was resentful at not have my EN met, such as affection, admiration, conversation, etc. so my interest in SF started to dwindle. It became another "chore" that I was expected to do for someone else. My paying job was working at a school in special ed. At the end of a long day, I felt like everyone was sucking off of me but nobody was giving to me in the way I needed it. Obviously, I did not adequately verbalize this. I think it got to the point where I tried to but it got lost in translation. I think he took it as "I can never do anything right to please her", and then I became frustrated that I couldn't bring anything up without the tables being turned on me. In many ways I think I should have been the one to have the affair but I have hobbies that kept me busy and I honestly don't think I ever could have. I didn't allow myself to look at other men that way, to me it was never an option.

The sad story is that we both have a deep, deep love for one another. Somehow life came between us and we seem to be caught in the current. He thinks there is too much damage done to repair, that it would be easier to start over with someone who thinks he's the cat's pajamas and adores him (my interpretation). He won't do counseling "yet" so above issues have not been addressed. He knows I love him no matter what and want him back to work on our marriage but I don't think pushing or pursuing him is the answer. Where do I go from here?

Shattered - Maybe you could give him a copy of your post, along with a copy of *His Needs, Her Needs* and an offer to work on what the book proposes.
Good luck.
Mulan

Mulan,

Thank you for your good advice. I have already given him many books, he is not a reader. I then gave him some books on CD's which I don't believe he has listened to. My gut feeling is that he is feeling very guilty, but he is not ready to come back. He has told me many times "I may be making the biggest mistake of my life but I just have to do it. Who knows, in 6 months I may come begging you to take me back."

Right now he is not begging. He is OK with losing everything. Not that he really wants to, but he's not stopping it. My thought is that if he really wanted his family back, the shame would be there but would not stop him. I am going to see my attny tomorrow and am going to see if I can slow down the process. If he moves in with OW my thought is that the affair will crash sooner rather than later. Especially with the holidays coming up. What do you think?

Again - give him a copy of your post. It's not nearly as long as a book.

A major, major problem I see here is that he just assumes that he CAN come back in six months and "beg you to take him back." He assumes that you will be sitting there waiting for him.

Going to a very dark Plan B *right now* might give him enough of a shock to make the wheels in his brain start turning. As long as he is confident you will just sit and wait for him while he takes a Marriage Vacation, he has NO reason to recommit to your marriage.

I'm sure others will be along with better advice, but that really jumped out at me in your post.
Mulan

Thank you Mulan. The stress and the emotional roller coaster are just eating me alive right now. Met with my attorney this afternoon to find out that we have a pretrial conference next Wed. After that, the divorce is pretty much a done deal. I am moving this weekend (by myself so far and no clue how it's gonna happen) and need to be out by the 1st so I don't have to pay next month's rent. I'm stressed about telling Realtor that I am backing out of P&S agreement. I know I am losing my deposit. I am moving back into the homestead and I pretty much know he is moving in with OW, although he hasn't come right out and said it. My attorney was complimenting me today on how well this divorce is going, how no court or judge could work out an agreement any better than we seem to be doing on our own, etc. WH attorney told us at the last hearing that we get along so well we should go get a cup of coffee and try to work things out. So I think I have done a very good (albeit late) PLan A. I've had time to digest the "too ashamed" comment from WS and the card he sent me and I think it is an excuse for him to continue his affair and move in with her. I know he feels shame and that is good, but if he really was "too ashamed", he'd be moving back in with me, not her. The wonderful you, you're so strong card was meant to prop me up for the final divorce blow.

I guess if I did anything right now it should be Plan B like you suggest. I am just so tired, hopeless and worn out from all this I'm tempted to just throw in the towel. I'm afraid Plan B won't work and will set me up again for disappointment. Sometimes I feel like I"m going to be divorced in a month and it is going to come as a total shock to me because I've been planning and scheming all this time about meeting his needs, the affair burning out, and him coming back. Has all of this distracted me from the freight train heading my way? I feel like I've been plucking daisy petals for the past 6 months - he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not. . . . . he's coming back, he's not, he's coming back, he's not.

I struggle because he filed for divorce right away. Most other WS don't seem to do that so there has been the extra stress of the clock ticking. I feel like I don't even fit in here. I mean I know I fit in re the infidelity part, but not the stop the madness segment. My husband seems to have hit FF on that.

I'm also looking for work and of course not too successful at it. Try selling yourself when you're at the absolute bottom of the pit in your life. I'm already on AD's but still struggling to carry on each day, some more than others. I have a 10 year old son who thank God gets me out of bed each day but even he is angry and testing me a lot lately. I assume it is because of what is going on but it is hard on me because my emotional resources are almost nonexistent. My family is tired of me and wants me to "move on".

Ok, my pity party's over. Thanks for listening.

P.

Dear Shattered,
I know how hard this must be.
Have you thought about arranging a counseling appointment with Steve Harley?

I hadn't thought about that. Is it a possiblity, he'd have no one to counsel but me?

He would help you to get a game plan, or maybe your w/h might agree to a last chance counseling appt, to make sure that you are both doing the right thing by getting divorced.