As a BS, didn't the whole world world seem a bit darker when you found out your spouse is/was having an affair? No safe place left to go, not even home, to get away from it all? You sensed it was like having been told all this time what you thought was "home" really wasn't.
It was all just a lie.

We grew up and left our parent's home to start our own lives and expected to have that same safe sensation of just a speck of security in a hustle bustle world and it all caved in around you when infidelity struck. You felt robbed...raped..perhaps even felt murdered and now walk the earth as the undead or something worse. Pain you'd had never imagined possible seeped down into your soul and left you finding it hard to breathe at times.

No sleep, no food, no peace, no music did you want or could obtain. Just one single thought raced in your mind until you eventually fell asleep only to it awaiting you in the morning.

Nightmare.

Sometimes you might have awakened thinking it was all just a nightmare and found only a brief moment of relief in that very short time long before the dew began to dry.


~


As a WS, didn't you think or make yourself believe that your safe place was gone well before the affair started? Maybe some of us were so selfish as to just wanting simple sex on the side, to get that rush..whatever...whatever. Most of us just believed we wanted some emotional safe place we may or may not have felt we were getting from our spouse and then tricked ourselves into thinking we could find it in secrecy, deception and betrayal. The emotional stress of coming home to your wife/husband and children and acting like nothing was wrong knowing full well where you've been...what you've been doing...

Sitting down perhaps at the dinner table with wife and kids to chat about daily events as your mind raced trying to juggle everything without dropping a single apple. Some of us eventually end it and hope we can hide it forever, a dark, dark secret which will, if we have the least bit of decency, burn and haunt us forever. Some of us get caught, and some of us feel the burden weigh down so much we finally confess hoping to relieve ourselves of it while scared to death the outcome that awaits us.

Regret and guilt eats away at you as you watch your spouse cry. Some of us may want to be hurt, physically and mentally, to remove the guilt.

We may be forced to, or just decide to leave our homes for some time...a month, six months.. When/if we return the home seems different. Maybe the rooms seem smaller like visiting a place from childhood years later as adult. Perhaps you start imagining that even the dog or cat stares at you differently. You don't feel comfortable laying down on the couch to watch TV. It's as if you are a guest in your own house, maybe even a "free loading" type of guest that is no longer welcomed but no one tells you to leave and you know the reason why; Because they are just more human than you.

Sorry, just drank a venti Americano and decided to type some of what I've felt this year.

Interesting perspective of both sides of the coin...

I'm finding it a little difficult to muster any sympathy for the WS side of that coin. Sure, it doesn't sound like a fun scenario in which to live, but the WS is, after all, the one who made the decision to place the BS in that unsafe place.

The WS also made the decision to place themselves in that unsafe place, even if it existed pre-A, by being dishonest.

What a waste.

Diet Coke with Lime, here.

Oh I agree. I don't want any sympathy because it would only make me feel worse. Don't deserve it.

What a waste indeed!

I was first a BS. Wish I'd stayed that way.

eldente,

You said exacttly what I as a BS am feeling. Its not as bad as it was a few months ago. But it sure hit the nail right on the head.

When my WH came home for his two short times. You have described how he felt. He told me he felt uncomfortable lke a stranger in his own home. Of couse I think that may be due to the fact both times were failed attempts to work on us. His heart was not in it.

So it makes me wonder if he ever does really want to try is these same feelings going to be with him? Would he ever feel comfortable in our home again? I would hope and pray he will someday....

Hi all,
When my WH was having his A I used to write a lot of things down, like how I was feeling. I once wrote that I felt uncomfortable in my own life. And that is exactly how this A made me feel. Nothing seemed the same anymore, most importantly of all, my husband and marriage were not what I thought they were. What are you supposed to do when you feel uncomfortable living your own life? Nothing and no-one felt right. I know well the feeling of living a night mare, the gut wrenching feeling of despair and nausea every morning when you wake up and realise this is not just a bad dream. Eldente, I know exactly what you are talking about. To everyone out there, it does get better, your life does eventually feel like your own again to some degree. Two years on from my H's affair, things are better, but they will never be the way they were. When we were in counselling, our counsellor told us that things could never be the way they were, but they could be better. I don't know if I believe that it could be better, it is just different.
Reewil...