Hi All...
I'd like to get some feedback on what your dealbreakers are in new relationships? Are there some that are so important to you that you wouldn't even consider the person for a date? Have you learned some that you didn't think of, but then did after you dated someone? Do you have any that are negotiable? Non-negotiable? What type of system do you have? Do you have a system? Have you rated your dealbreakers by importance?


Thanks in advance for your thoughtful insight!

Didn't we just do this

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=0#2842059

Hey, there really aren't any on that thread! A couple, but I'd like to hear more... anyone? Help a sistah out!

And does anyone have a rating system?

The book by the Eharmony guy gives lists to choose from of "must haves" and dealbreakers (or something like that).
I really need to read more.

For me, easy dealbreakers are: Smoker, tatoos, beard, Walk away or wayward spouses, parents who don't see their children, childish behavior, etc.

Gee, I wrote a couple of deal breakers in my post. You comments lead me to believe you didn't even read what I wrote.

If you were a WW or a Walk away wife, then it's probably best that you don't apply.

Quitters need not apply.

T

Men who don't see their children, Men who see nothing wrong with living at home with their parents, Men with no car, Men without a license to drive a car, Men with alcohol problems, Men who chain smoke, Men with bad personal hygiene...I'm sure I could think of more if I tried...

The only one whose opinion counts is you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. To one person, a former WS might be a "10" on the dealbreaker list, to someone else that might be inconsequential, while a smoker or a drinker or a Buddhist might kill the deal. See what I mean?

I suppose for giggles it might be fun to compare dealbreakers, but I think everyone will have a list a mile long if they had the time to think about it. Alluring started a list for you, but it is clearly just the tip of the iceberg.

For me, in the next five seconds I can list dealbreakers such as someone who lies, cheats, smokes, is constantly depressed, watches TV all the time, has no job, is a player, is confused, or doesn't like kids. But again, this is just the very tip, I probably have a list of a couple of hundred items.

Are you wondering if some of your dealbreakers are unreasonable, or if your BF is exhibitng some traits that others would consider dealbreakers, or what?

AGG

yeah what AGG said!!

I could have gone on longer but as AGG said...what is a deal buster for me might not be for you. Everyone has their limits.

Yep. Just think, some people love sausages, others are nauseated by them, that's what makes the world go around <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

LOL AGG!!!!!!!!!!! touche' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Here are a few of mine:

liar
cheat
conceited
selfish
atheist
drunk
drug addict
smokers
narcissist
lazy
controlling
violent

Non-smoking
Honesty
Integrity
Doesn't cheat
Clean feet
Likes kids


* Just checkin' to see if you're paying attention! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LOL!!!

Enlightened, I'm so sorry if what I wrote made you feel I didn't read it! I did, but I was looking for more info, please accept my apologies! (as usual, it was never enough for me!)

AGG, Nice to see you here! Where the heck you been? Or is that on another thread?! Thanks for your input as well, and I agree, just as we are all different, so are our dealbreakers. For example, if they have EVER wandered or had dirty feet, they never stood a chance! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I actually have a list of all I'd like to have in a man I might meet (dealmakers). But that would be the "perfect man for me", and I don't know if I'll ever find anyone to foot the bill for that list...but a girl can dream.

What I was looking for was some of the things you all have listed on here, because although I have some deal breakers, I'm doing an inventory on myself to decide what maybe used to be a dealbreaker could be something I might comprimise on...for example, I'm doing the online dating thing. A fella and I had plans to meet at a restaurant at 7. He called me at 7:03 and said he was on his way from a suburb (15 mins away). Well, that just ain't cool with me! Why didn't he call BEFORE I left my house (basically before he was supposed to be there)? He had to have known he was going to be late. You don't leave a girl standing there waiting for you on your first date. That's a dealbreaker for me, because if you do it on the first date, and I allow it, then you will continue to do so. So...I told him not to bother, that I was leaving. He couldn't believe it.
See, it's not so much that he was late, but show a little respect for my time and let me know before I'm standing outside waiting for you. He called the next day, still in disbelief, and I told him I wasn't interested in setting another time up. BECAUSE I know that whole follow through thing is a big one with me.
Now, is it something that in the long run I can comprimise on? Maybe, once I know the person. I mean, a few of my friends have stood me up, I don't dump them, but I think when a person says they are going to do something, 99% of the time they better do it. That's always been huge to me.

So, stuff like that I guess. I guess I DO know my deal breakers, and for sure, some of them may be unreasonable to other people, but that's the beauty of it, *I* get to pick!

And the whole rating thing...that's what I should have said, is how important is it? Is it something that with time could not be a dealbreaker, like my "on-time-do-what-you-say" deal?

Newly, maybe if you read that book you can share some more of the must haves. Maybe I'm looking too much at the negative and not the positive?

I guess I'm thinking that we have all had our different experiences and I know I keep learning and thought I might be able to learn off of someone else's experiences, cuz I'm getting a little tired of learning! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I think this is an example of why it can actually be problematic to predefine dealbreakers too precisely: there are things we make into dealbreakers which may prevent us from seeing what might be right for us, and there are things which would be dealbreakers for us but which we simply haven't the wit to consider beforehand.

Personally, I hate being late. And if I am going to be late, I try to let people know as soon as I can. However, when I arrange to meet someone at a specific place and time, I recognize that (a) people don't have perfectly synchronized watches, so a couple of minutes either way is for all practical purposes "on time"; (b) sometimes things come up. I don't start wondering if I'm being "stood up" until a few minutes past the arranged time, and I consider courtesy to be satisfied if within that window I get a call informing me of (and apologizing for) a late arrival.

To me, courtesy is an important character trait, but so is adaptability and a willingness to give people the benefit of the doubt. Life isn't so simple that everything can be managed and controlled ahead of time with perfect precision. If I wasn't able to call until three minutes past my scheduled meeting time (yes, there are times and places where it isn't possible to make a phone call), and I was written off because of that without even an opportunity to provide an apology and an explanation, I would consider myself fortunate that I had discovered a "dealbreaking" level of inflexibility before I expended any more time and money.

But I doubt it would ever have occurred to me to include "inflexibility" on a list of "dealbreakers" ahead of time. I wouldn't have put down "dishonesty" either.

Why not? Because these are traits so fundamental that I wouldn't even have to think about them. My focus is far more on looking for the positive criteria of compatibility and complementarity which are important to me in a potential partner. Only after I identify a woman as meeting those criteria do I even need to bother looking for "flaws" which would render a relationship unworkable or unadvisable.

My lady friend (the one who does not reciprocate my interest) is sometimes early and sometimes late. If she has a definite responsibility to be somewhere, she is invariably early. However, she has a tendency to try to pack a lot of things in her schedule, and that means she sometimes double-books. So she may show up late to an event and leave early. When we have arranged to meet somewhere, she is sometimes late, but she has always called to let me know (yes, sometimes at the last minute). When she has promised to get back to me, she has always gotten back to me, albeit sometimes later than she has planned or hoped.

To me, what is significant is how she makes her decisions about juggling her schedule. She struggles with the demands on her, but in the context of her situation I think she does an amazing job. Without factoring in her circumstances, it might be easy to dismiss her as not being reliably on time - but because I recognize her struggle as a corollary of her people-oriented carpe diem character, I see her behavior differently.

And, just as important, I know how adaptable I am.

I think that knowing (and respecting and accepting) yourself may be even more key than identifying the dealbreakers and the must-haves. Except with regard to the most superficial items, your checklists risk being overly precise due to unimaginative preconceptions. But when you really know yourself, it is much easier to see how someone fits you perfectly who is unlike anyone you could have dreamed up yourself.

KnomeDePlume,
Yes, very well put.
1) know yourself and what you are willing to put up with

2) meet the person (unless, in my case, they call AT the time they are supposed to be there) and you leave!

3) be adaptable when you meet someone whose dealbreakers aka flaws are "tolerable".

I also understand what you mean by your lady friend, the number of things to do and such and how the responsibility is handled. Like my friends-there are some I know are always late-that's who they are, and really, that's okay, if I get tired of waiting I leave and they know I will. But I don't want to date anyone like that, so it is a different situation.
Thanks!

My dealbreakers: these are things are ULTIMATELY things I absolutely would not tolerate... in considering someone to date, or would call it quits if I found out. There are some OTHER traits/situations that are unfavorable (red flags), but may be tolerable, depending on the overall package, but that's not your question this time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Dealbreakers: (and of course there's probably some not even considered or worth mentioning, like murderers, rapists, etc LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />)
- Smoker
- current addiction (alcohol, drug, etc)
- intolerant of my faith, and my desire to participate/practice it myself (church, prayer, etc)
- no ambition

[color:"blue"] I had to laugh when I read the "late" story.

I arranged to meet a guy a minibrew one night who I hadn't given my phone number to yet. (I blocked my calls because the online dating thing was a little scary) So when he doesn't arrive, I call his number and leave a message - the tone indicated he was on the other line (call waiting).

I called again 15 minutes later and still no answer but he was on the other line still. Meanwhile two guys at the pub had started chatting with me and I told them that I was being stood up. They couldn't believe it looking at me. I explained it was sort of a blind date although the guy had seen my profile pic.

I decide to call a third time when it was 30 minutes later than the meeting time. (By now I was having a good time with the bar flies - if the guy showed up he'd better have a darn good excuse but the date was over as far as I was concerned)

This time the guy answered. Apparently he had some last minute business crisis occurring and wouldn't make it and then he gave me a hard time because he did not have my number.

I know he lived only a mile or so from the bar. He was on his cell phone with work. If it had been me, I would have driven over, still talking to work on the cell, in order to excuse myself in person.

He lacked the courtesy to even break his call to work to answer my call.

At least that's the way I looked at it.

Since he gave me such a hard time about it was my fault he couldn't call me, I let him know exactly the situation I was in myself. I told him - gee that is such a shame, but it is really ok because there were two kind gentlemen here and they've been entertaining me and even bought me a beer because they felt so badly about me getting stood up. And so sorry that he couldn't come but that was fine because I was having a great time anyway - thanks for getting me out of the house. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

A lack of courtesy
A lack of patience
Inability to see or accept fault
passive aggressive behavior
Lazy
narcissistic
sloppy
unambitious

V.[/color]

Good story! Very similar indeed! Glad there are others who feel it inconsiderate. I, myself, cannot imagine doing that!
AND, you just pointed out a really good dealbreaker-see! I had forgotten, that sometimes others don't know themselves well enough to understand they have faults, let alone work on themselves, so that's one I want to remember!
And the blaming thing! Ugh! Why can't anyone take responsibility for themselves anymore? Be a big boy/girl!
Thanks for sharing your story, I love it!

How one deals with adversity is very important...

If something happens on her way to meet me, CALL!! I am willing to bail her out of a flat tire or whatever.

I cannot and will not tolerate playing Second Fiddle to anyone...I understand that in the infancy of an R, you can't expect a lot WRT to that.

One does get a feeling about it though...does she call/e-mail me and not just to reply to me?