One morning in July of 2004 a friend of mine called me, early in the morning, crying. Her husband had left her the night before. They had been part of my support team during my own sitch .Now it was my turn to support her. She said, “ I know there is not another woman, he left because I have been depressed lately and not paying attention to him”. I knew in my heart, that there must be an OW, but I didn’t say anything to her yet. Apparently the night before she had gone to their son’s baseball game, and left H a note that was not worded very nicely. I don’t even recall what it said now – I think it chastised him for not doing something he had promised to do. When he got home, and read the note, he called her cell phone and announced that he was tired of this s*** and he was moving out! Told her that he had all ready-made arrangements to stay with a friend. (I think he was just waiting for a fight as an excuse)

My friend, lets call her Deb, was devastated, certain that her note had caused the break down of her M. For the next 2 weeks she insisted that there was not an OW. Said that she always knew where he was, and there was no way he was cheating. She blamed herself completely “I was depressed, I didn’t realize he was unhappy, I didn’t pay enough attention to him” we all know the process here. Meanwhile, I gave her “Divorce Busters” which she never completely read. Kept telling me she was too tired, and too upset to read. We would talk for hours and I would try to give her pointers like “Don’t beg, don’t blame, clean up the house, wear a smile, tell him that you want to build a new and better marriage” I tried to share info the best I could. Every night I would pray that the truth would come out soon about what he was up to. I did not have any first hand knowledge of an A – I just “knew”. Finally, one day she called, and the truth was out. He had been seeing a co-worker for several months. Deb began to put together the details. The nights that he went out with friends for a beer, the times he claimed he was working late. She thought she knew where he was all the time. That was partially true. She did know where he was – only she didn’t know who he was with.

Fast-forward 15 months. He has lived with OW and her kids this whole time. His own children – 4 of them, all teenagers, are now disgusted with him. All along, I have told my friend that I knew one thing for sure – the A would not last. I don’t know if she will end up back with him, but the A would not last. Deb never did read SAA, never posted here.

2 weeks ago, the A ended. The OW moved out of their duplex, and moved in with another man! This man was also married. FYI – this woman is not attractive, at all. She is about 60 pounds over weight, has 2 small children, works for minimum wage. I don’t know how she does it, and I don’t want to know.

So Debs H is now living with friends – a couple. I am not sure what will happen with these 2 - but every time I see them, they are together. They are back to attending their son’s football games together, riding in the same car, sitting together. I suspect that Deb, right about now, is thinking that this is what she wanted, but now he is a broken, damaged man, and she is probably starting to wonder if this is really what she wanted after all. I plan to call her tonight to see if she wants to have coffee.

I share all of this to remind everyone that A’s do end. Hope rains eternal. This man quit paying support for his 4 kids, moved in with OW, and told his wife many, many times that he was going to file “next week”. Everyone else told Deb to “move on and accept it – he was going to marry OW” He had planned a wedding for November – although D papers were never filed. He followed all the patterns, and every time I said “Deb, this is just part of the script. I will believe his marriage to OW when I see it”. In the end, I have been 100% right. It is only because I have heard this same story, here 100 times.

WOF,

every story that confirms MB theories is great to hear!

specially for those of us who are in plan B and wondering how long will it take?

I believe that MB works because I believe the rational behind it. I don't have experience (luckily) except for my situation and a couple of others I heard about. So it's great when we can prove the theories about As.

Thank You!

I wonder if "hope rains eternal" ???
...in the hearts and minds of the 4 kids he abandoned for a year and a half

the affair has ended but this man has destroyed innocent lives and ought to be held accountable....

recovery is THE hardest part of an affair ... and damaged children often carry the sins of the father into their own relationships. The children have the most difficult recovery tasks of anyone ...

I suppose it's like saying "The fire is extinguished at last." ... but the home is so damaged, it cannot be lived in.

I just don't have the words to express how this story made me feel.... Way to many emotions from the good to the bad....

Womanoffaith,

I am happy to read the story that you relate but I would also include a warning. The fact that the A has ended does not mean that there will be any move towards reconciliation with the BS. If the WS feels that no further damage can be done to their very tarnished name, it may be easier psychologically for the WS to start a new R. Otherwise they find themselves returning to the previous smitten BS with all their imperfections now glowing like a neon sign.

Pride goeth before the fall, it sometimes takes years to "goeth"

WOF,

You are a good woman, you truly are.

I feel as Pep does, the damage when there are children abandoned and the left behind spouse is so broken that life becomes misery instead of the joy it was intended is just so heartbreaking.

Even though I was the OW in my story, the devastion done to my life, daughter, friends...not to mention his ex-wife and all the people in their lives almost killed me and for a time brought incredible unhappiness and an end to innocence to my daughter's world. I was so blinking blind I signed over my beloved piece of vacation property, thinking a liar and a cheat was trustworthy. (maybe someday he will be, but it won't be until he is brought to his knees in shame and humiliation for the lives he has damaged, and I hope for his sake it does happen)

I can now call my relationship an affair (it took me years to admit this to myself, as most here probably know) , and although I have worked through most of the guilt, pain, devastation and trauma...well it breaks my heart to read this stuff, more so as the months go by.

I read someone's sig line on another website I belong to now (a forgiveness, self-growth, personal healing website) which reads -

"the only house big enough for all the pain in the world is love"...

And that would be the love which comes from good friends like you, and the people on websites such as these whom help people put the fragmented pieces of their lives back together.

Children should NEVER have to experience what we put them though, but they do, so the rest of us who have survived and gained in strenth and spirituality must remain strong to help them when as Pep says, the sins of the father(mother) are visited upon them, and the generations to come.

This post really touched me for some reason. Where is that dang tear icon we used to have?

I absloutely agree with everyone above that the damage may be too great at this point. that is why I said:

"she is probably starting to wonder if this is really what she wanted after all."

I saw her last Friday, from a distance. They were sitting togther at a football game. And the look on her face was not bliss.
I didn't dwell on this part of the story, but I will now. He has put her through a lot. Many times, I personally felt like she should consider filing for D herself. when he quit paying her anything and told her it was becuase they were not divorced and she had nothing in writing that said he had to pay her, I told her to file the paper work to get support for her kids.

She has moved out of the family home to an apartment. her two oldest kids are twins, age 17, in their senior year. He has missed out on most of their big events this past year. The son has spent many, many nights at my house to have a quiet evening.

There is no guarantee that they will get "back together", but it certianly seems to look possible. Frankly, I think he is tired of living with friends, sleeping in their moter home,and he will attmept to reconcile just to have someplace to live. I hope to have coffee with her to remind her that SHE is in charge. She has a place to live now. She has a new job, and pays her own bills. Her kids have gotten used to living without their dad. She does not need to rush into anything. I always stressed with her that his A would definately end. But that didn't mean that they had to get back together. I think she has fought so hard to "get him back" that she never allowed herself to think about the reality of what life would be like with him in it again.

So, I share this story to remind us all that the A relationship rarely lasts. This one took 15 months to finally end.

Weaver,
I missed reading your post before I typed the above reply.
Your post has brought a tear to my eyes now!

I wish there was some way I could reach across the internet, wrap my arms around you and convince you to stop beating yourself up!

Weaver, I know that if you could take it all back, and do it all over, you would change things. But your lifes story is what it is. and you are helpful to people in a much bigger way than you are aware.

I just remembered something that happened with my friend last year, about this time. My church was reading through the Purpose Driven Life, and I bought an extra copy of the book and gave it to her. She was attending a different church, but I thought the book might be helpfull to her. She LOVED it. She talked about it all the time. there was one chapter in particular that touched her, and she came over to my house with tears in her eyes. It is towards the end of the book, and talks about how things happen in our lives that makes us who we are, so that we can use our experiences to help others. It specifically said "who better to comfort a woman whose H has left her for an A partner, than a woman who has all ready been through the same thing."
She said "that is you - helping me now, becuase you have been through it."

Weaver - that is you too. All of our experiances, good or bad, shape us. You help so many people by sharing. If you were the type of person to hide, and ignore, and deny your past, that would be a shame.

Weaver, my friend, do not beat yourself up any longer.

wonderfully and beautifully said WO5. {{Weaver}}

Thank you WOF, I do not beat myself up any longer. I know that all so far which has been my life has been lessons to learn...and those lessons have enabled me to find my God once again.

I am really doing good, and very happy in my life now.

I don't know that that would have been the case if I had not made the mistakes I have made. It has humbled me so much and forced me to seek forgiveness, both for myself and for those who I have perceived as hurting me.

Mine is a good life now WOF and Faith, it really is.