I have been a role-player for years, many years. A few years ago it stopped being feasible to meet with the guys to do it anymore so I started playing online. I did this varying amount but in recent times only about twice a week for about 4 hours a stint. In role-playing I oddly got into the habit of role-playing women (what can I say I'd rather see a shapely woman on the screen all the time than a man). And after a long time got into adventuring with people and not just being a loner. Now in the role-playing worlds I play something of a president is set: many form couples. Some do cyber, but I can honestly say I never have. I find it goofy and am a happily married man anyhow. When it gets sexual we just kind of 'fade out' and wake up the next morning or stop playing at the inn or whatever nothing explicit is typed.

I 'coupled up' thusly on three different occasions. Once briefly as me playing the woman in a man-woman relationship, then me the woman in a lesbian relationship, and most recently and very briefly me the man and a woman in real life the woman. I never really considered this cheating and did it to be as true to my character as possible. I just thought it was me acting like my character would, being a good role-player. I told my wife about this coupling briefly. I did lie about the genders of the last two, I wanted to play with them in spite of their gender and consider my wife really jealous. I heard that number two was a woman but there are varying reports, I have never asked directly as I don’t care. I have no ideas of meeting these people in real life. My role-playing involvement on this world was pretty high and I was quite respected. I was assisting building the world, and had very involved storylines. I enjoyed my time immensely; I looked forward to this time as my personal time out from reality. They were online friends many very similar to me in age and backgrounds (IT nerds).

The latest lady I met online through this was much younger than I. She wanted to role-play with me and I was flattered and needed a new role-playing partner at that time. My last one was on hiatus and I have gotten to like role-playing with others much more than being alone, it's much more social and fun, we often get together in big groups so it's not just two traveling around. I got to know this lady pretty well, she was online alot and talkative. She was going through relationship issues and I lent what advice I could for this, as she was pretty depressed. This was rare for me, I keep my role-playing and real life entirely separate having different emails and chat names and never telling anyone so much as my first name or what city I live in.

It all began with my wife seeing a messenger dialog that was sexual in nature. I explained it. This person said sexual things occasionally though I didn't encourage this. She actually did this for quite a few guys in our little role-playing circle. Now my wife says this was an affair, further the others I met with were also affairs. My wife found a note that I made with in notepad that had her phone number and in case wife wanted to call this note was labled with her name and the number and in case wife wants to call. As this lady offered her number if my wife wanted to talk to her. My wife did call her, and was happy with the responses she received. Or so she told me.

Sorry if this is rambling but I have been going through ****** ever since. My wife insists I was cheating on her. I don't know what to think but I don't think I had an affair(s). What are your opinions, thoughts?

"I did lie about the genders of the last two, I wanted to play with them in spite of their gender and consider my wife really jealous."

I wouldn't consider this an affair, but think it is extremely harmful to your marriage.

Yes, this is cheating on your wife. You are emotionally investing in someone other than her...it doesn't matter if it's online or in person, the damage to your marriage is the same.

Regardless of what 'boundaries' you put into place, things can and will get out of hand at some point.

If you doubt the risk to your marriage, please go over to the "Recover" section and read my story...my wife met OM in an online game, and things progressed from there.

I know of SEVERAL marriages that were destroyed by online gaming...because this provides the "mask" of the chat room with the fun of the game...and without the stigmata of being in a 'chat room'.

I suggest that you stop pursuing these online 'relationships', and spend that time with your wife instead. What you're doing is extremely risky. Not attacking you, simply hoping that you can understand the damage and risks. Which seems likely, or you wouldn't have posted here to begin with.

No reason to go any further.... That you chose to lie to your wife about it says enough. Whether your wife is a jealous person or not, you lied...period.... Unless you are a compulsive liar, there was a reason you lied. Most likely that was because you knew she would not like what you were doing, so you lie to keep what you want..... Sounds pretty immature and selfish to me.....

Sounds like you invest great amounts of time into this fantasy world... Why not invest that time in your marriage and get real results instead of 'play' ones.....

I suspect your wife wants you to quit gaming.....I for one agree with her.....

I spent several years online gaming. Not role playing, but FPS. Spent hours and hours killing and chatting. Made lots of friends. Some were female but I hid that fact from my wife. One female in particular, I used to "chat" with on various game forums, hardware forums and some online writing workshops.

We became pretty close "friends" I never cyber-sexed with her, tbh, I still don't really understand the concept of "cyber sex"

We never discussed sex. There was some flirting, but never was there anything said outright. We had seen each others picture on threads posted on websites and I think there was some attraction going on, but I don't think either of us felt like we were cheating. She was engaged at the time and her fiance ended up keylogging her pc.

I didn't even know what an emotional affair was at this point but I was having one because like Owl said, it took away from time with my wife, plus I must have known it was wrong because I never let my wife know just how much we were communicating. My wife only knew of the horror short story website I showed her, but didn't know that I knew the designer "personally"

When she found out we'd been trading files on FTP and started thinking about the fact that the OW was "in our house" downloading gigs of divx and mp3 it hurt her as badly as if she'd been in our bed I realize now.

And I thought everything was OK because we never discussed sex or meeting or anything.

I've done some bad things, but I'm working on myself to make myself a better person, a better husband. I don't play online anymore, and the only forums I visit now are these on this website.

If you felt some kind of "rush" talking to those women, then your wife feels some kind of "push" from them. Think about it.

Well, I have given up online gaming cold turkey but it's really hard. This is what I did to relax and it was handy. My wife makes plans at the drop of a hat and leaves me alone pretty often. When she pulls this trick in the past I could go online and there were people glad to see me.

I can't help but think I could do this again with some rules. But I guess I am kidding myself my wife doesn't trust me now.

It sounds to me like there a gulf between you and her. This doesn't sound like a healthy M.

It is time for you and W to have a heart-to-heart. Her leaving you alone "at a drop of a hat" is not constructive behavior on her part.

You and her have some work to do on your M. If you have issues with the way she is conducting herself within the M, then it is time for both of you to sit down and discuss this thoroughly.

You and she might need MC.

Take time and go through the Marriage Builder principles. It sounds like your marriage could use some work on both sides.

If you were keeping the role playing private and secretive from your wife, it was wrong. Nothing kills intimacy more than secrets.

And your wife leaving you alone is a separate issue that needs to be discussed with her. You cannot justify your issue with her issue. As I have learned, two people can have problems in a marriage and it sounds like each of you have their set of problems to work on.

The good news is there is help and if the both of you commit to it you can work towards a healthy marriage.