Its been about 3 weeks since I found out about my dhs affair. I am 7 month pregnant, and we have 2 sons, ages 2 and 7. We have been together for 10 years. We own 2 businesses together that we build from nothing. Our relationship has been turbulent to say the least, but we have had good time and we've been best friends and supported each other through difficult times (such as losing our home and all of our possesions 2 years ago). We started MC immediately after he told me.

He told me about his 4 year affair with another woman of his own will. it is an odd situation and not romantic at all. It began when SHE paid HIM to give him oral sex, and eventually evolved away from illicit prostitution when we we're having a rough time and were basically seperated. In replace of actual cash, she continued to feed his addictions and depression. I believe him when he says he has been trying to break free from this toxic person for years, but did not have the strength or resolve to do it. She is a psycho and he was afraid of how she would react. His fears were warranted, as "someone" has broken into his car and other mysterious things like that keep happening in the wake of all this.

Last week another emotional affair came out, found out about this one on my own. he said he did not tell me because it seemed small compared to the 4 year sexual affair, but in reality, this hurt a heck of a lot more. He met her in August, began as only friends and talked to her alot about our marriage and his own messed up mental state. They kissed a few times, no sex. They only met a handful of times. He broke it off with her when he revealed his long term affair to me. I contacted this woman without my dhs knowledge and their stories were exactly consistant. I emailed her and we were amicable, not hysterical. She apologized profusely and said she felt horrible for causing me pain. He knows about our emails now.

He has ended all contact with both women, he has agreed to be faithful and completely honest. He has been up front and answers all my questions without hesitation. He has worked with me to regain control of our finances and other apsects of our lives. He is commited to MC.

The problem I am encountering is that he is insistant with the MC that he does NOT want to remained married and he holds very little hope for our future together. From that, she tells me that I need to find a space to let it go. We kind of both agreed to a 6 month commitment because of the pregnancy mostly. She encourages us to stay together for those 6 months.

He has expressed to me that he hold little hope for our marriage, mostly due to the fact that he is lost and confused. On the other end of the spectrum however, when his walls are down and he is vulnerable he will tell me that there ARE pieces of himself that want to be married but he just doesn't know if he has the strength to pull it off or if he can figure how to do it or if he wants to do it. Not knowing HOW and not having any desire to continue our marriage are completely different things to me and I'm left lost in confusion, not knowing what to believe. This weekend we went away on a trip without the kids, and he was very loving and sincere (although we did have 1 argument). He explains it away to the MC that he is simply giving me what he thinks I want and telling me what I want to hear, he was falling into old habits.

I don't want to hold him here and force a relationship with a man who does not want it. But I don't know how to separate that resolve to end it with the weak and crying man who tells me he still loves me and is just lost and can't find his way. I have known he is struggling for a long time, I just wasn't aware that he was being unfaithful.

I don't know what I am supposed to do. Do I believe that he doesn't want it and begin to let go? Or do I believe that there is still hope, however small, and move forward with that in mind? I'm not looking at this from a POV that everything WILL definitely be ok, but just that I sure as ****** want to try to see if its possible.

I know I am not supposed to push him or smother him, but I find it very hard to sort out my needs for this pregnancy with his needs to "find himself'. I am planning a homebirth, something that is very important to me, and on a logisitical level I need someone to be here and present with me. If neede be, I could probably form a support net with my midwife and friends, but I want it to be want my husband and the father our our children.

One of our biggest stumbling block that we keep coming back to is our differing views on marriage itself. He see himself as a complete failure of a husband (and in many ways he is, but not entirely). He has very romantic ideas and bases his definition on his parents perfect marriages. He feels he can never possibly live up to that, and he's right, most people can't. He thinks it should just be 'right" and not so much work. Although I definitely want romance and love in my marriage, I have a much more practical view of things. A marriage can be as much or as little as 2 people make it, we all make mistakes, we are all humans, and our struggles help us to grow into better people in the end.

Right now I am stuck in this vortex of despair. I can't focus on this baby, our 2 young children, or work at all. I can't sleep, I can't find space to just BE. This has taken its toll on me and I've had a few episodes of contractions. i want to be strong, I just don't know how.

no one has any thoughts for me at all?

Still,

Whoa, I'm not sure how to start or what to say other than I'm sorry to hear you are here. Use all of the available materials and forums because there is a wealth of information and good people here. Start by reading Dr. Haley's articles and then get his books. Use this site to ask questions and get the support you are in need of. We have all been thru this in one form or another. I cant think of a sich like yours but at least you have six months to work on it.

I would start on the Emotional Needs articles and try to meet your husbands needs when you determine what they are. He sounds like he has given up on himself not you. It will be hard for you during your pregnancy but be patient and try to avoid handing out Love Busters(LB's). You will be reading all about those here. The first time I read your post I had trouble believing your situation but after thinking about it most of the day I had to write back and offer some support and advice. Good people make bad choices in life and I think your husband has made his share and then some. I think giving up is another bad choice. Your goal in the next six months is to convince him of that.

Read the posts from paradise blue in this index to get an idea of how to be strong and yet caring to your H. She is an amazing person and her writing is captivating.

I wish you luck and nothing but the best. Be that person you want, just gather yourself and be the mother to your children you want to be and let the rest of this stuff flow away until you are ready to tackle it. No matter how hard you try none of this will get fixed in a hurry. It simply takes time. Your unborn child needs a healthy mother also so don't forget yourself in this. Go see an MD and tell him what is happening and get the care that is best for you and that baby.

We will all be looking for your posts and updates on you and the baby's wellbeing.

dukhuntr

Thank you for your reply duckhuntr. I have read a lot of the articles and post here over the past 3 weeks, but it is hard to sort out what might apply to me and what does not. In a strange way it is comforting to hear that you think my situation is extraordinary ... at least that gives a sense of meaning to the confusing and bewilderment I feel.

He has done a lot of the things that are neccessary for reconcilation of his own will (NC, therapy, honesty, etc). He is not caught in "the fog" in a typical sense because I believe he has no desire whatsoever to resume contact with these women. He's not addicted to the affairs and I doubt he will fall back into them. He is quite relieved to be free, especially from OW#1. Is his insistance that he does not want to remain married his own version of the fog? That is where I keep getting stuck. He is HERE and doing all the right things, but saying the opposite with his words. He sends me a mountain of mixed messages. Is this normal? Or does he really just NOT want to be married? Why would he do all these things if that were true?

I need help getting the strength to stand tall. I am a giant ball of misery and hurt and although I know it is not helpful I WANT him to see how broken down I feel. I want him to physically see what this has done to me. I try to gather my resolve but then I totally fall apart every time I see him. It pushes him away and makes him hate himself more. Antidepressants are not really an option at this point unless I get totally desperate. I hope to make it through this pregnancy without them. My midwife does know all about what is happening.

Welcome to marriage builders. I hope you will post on the general questions forum where there is more traffic. We also have other pregnant women who are going through the same thing.

Plan A is the starting point, and I hope that you will read about it and give it a try.

What do you mean about OW#1 feeding his addiction?

Still,

I believe WS's are feeling as much pain as we are but in a different sense. Their pain is guilt mixed with moral doubts and fear of what lies ahead for them. I doubt much thought is given in the early stages towards what the BS is going thru. Hence the term "fog". Narcissism is common and takes the forefront for them. A good example is your husbands' focus on not having "a perfect marriage that just works". He knows he is the reason it does not work. He does not know why, and that is what you need to help figure out.

Something between the two of you has broken down or been ignored that is important to him. He has been sidetracked by the OW and that has created the "fog" that is confusing him. I'm not a professional and you get what you pay for here so this is just my opinion as to what a WS does to rationalize their behavior. By doing all the things in a good plan A you hopefully bring him back to you by fulfilling the EN's the OW have been providing. The theory is sound but it's up to you to do this in a way that reconnects the two of you and does not judge or create additional barriers that need to be overcome.

I know all the things you are going thru emotionally very well and they are brutal. I did not sleep more than three hours a night for two months after D-Day. I lost 45 pounds and was a "chocolate mess". AD's brought this under control for me but I doubt they are an option for you right now. See your MD and see if a safe alternative is available. Sleep is important for you and the baby. Put the question out there on the General Questions index and see if anyone has an alternative.

In the mean time use his cooperation to seek out that missing EN and work on finding a way to reestablish your connection with him. You have a much better chance at making this work than many of us did. He is there and he has already done many of the things necessary for recovery. Step up and fight for your marriage if that is what you want. This fight is not going to require you to get physical in any way that would harm you or the baby. It will require your devotion, care and love to make it work. From everything you have said that does not sound like an issue for you to worry about.

She would supply him an endless supply of ganja and he would take it from her rather than taking our grocery money. She would give him lavish gifts like music equipment we can't afford. If we were short on money for bills, rather than tell me he would take money from her. In return she expected a sexual relationship and would freak and threaten suicide when he would try to break away or threaten to hurt me. He was up front with her that he did not love her and was only using her for the money and things he got from her, and she claimed she was ok with that. He would pull away for months at a time, and then would fall back in when she would offer something or he wanted something.

Relationship with OW#2 began when he was at the bottom of the barrel, desperate to get free of OW#1, and was suicidal himself. She listened and offered him support. I would have listened too, but he never came to me.

duckhntr,

I agree that he is in his own form of h*ll too. I beleive he deeply wants to find the strength and courage to be a solid and healthy person. I think he feels that the only way he can do that is to break free from all of these relationships, including our marriage. Maybe that is true, but its so scary for me to let go. Letting go has never been my strongest quailty. I think my feelings and the tremendous hurt he is causing me is one of the main reasons he never had the courage to face this until now.

I know that there were peices of our marriage that were missing and that is how this all began. And its snowballed ever since. I was side swiped though, because I thought for the past 2 years (since our second son was born and we lost our home) that we were really pulling together and building a new future together. We began our our 2nd business 1 1/2 years ago and although we are not millionaires, we have been successful and were creating a dream we had together - to be financially free without bosses or jobs. He also has helped and supported me and my family as we struggle with my dad's liver disease and impending transplant.

thank you for your support and understanding.

Obviously one of the ENs that I was not meeting was financial support. He has always struggled with money and planning. I used to do all the bills, but about a year ago i handed it over to him, thinking that it might be empowering for him to finally feel in control. Instead, he spiraled further out of control. He wasn't paying all the bills for months without telling me, and it was ultimately one of the reasons he came clean to me, as it was becoming impossible to hide. The day after he told me, I sat down with him for 4-5 hours and sorted through all the bills. I did not scrutinize him, we just made a plan to get out of the hole. I showed him we could do this together and we did not need her money. I think now he has separated our relationship into different pieces. He views or business/financial life as a seperate piece from our married life. He says no matter what happens with our marriage, he still wants to keep our business relationship because he knows we can both be more successful if we work together. He wants to be the primary breadwinner for me and our children and asks me to help him achieve that goal.

Still,

After hearing all of this stuff from you about your H, I think if you were able to do everything a plan A entails and just be honest about your desire to make it work he will come around. It sounds to me almost like he is embarrassed by what he has done and does not believe you will ever be able to respect or admire him again. He thinks he has blown it with you. You two have done great things together and should be proud of that. Now he can't share in that with you because he feels he's lost all of it.

From my standpoint he does sound like a good man that knows he messed up badly. His ego is gone , his confidence is shot and he needs someone or something to prop him back up. Here's your chance to be that person. Right now you are the strength in the relationship, I hear it in everything you say. From finance and planning on down. Help him become the "breadwinner" without becoming the boss too. Make him feel he is making the decisions based only on suggestions from you. In the mean time spend all the time you can with him and get the ball rolling on connecting again. I wish I had this chance in my marriage. I think you can make this work.

dukhuntr,

You made me cry, although that is not too hard to do lately! I hope you are right.

Still,

I'm sorry I made you cry, that was not my intent. I just think you have an opportunity that I have longed for for seven months and now believe I will never have. Take it as a positive thing which is in short supply in your life right now. Keep being as positive and supportive as you can be. Once the pre-natal hormones go into full force this will get more and more difficult, but from listening to you I think you are up to the task.

You have made the most of the opportunities in your life so far and here is the biggest one yet. Take advantage of these next six months and build this marriage into something stronger that it was. Sure you can sit back and see what happens, but that does not fit with the picture you have painted of you life so far. Go after this the same as your business career with the same passion and committment.

I for one will be out here looking for your posts and wishing the best for you and your family. I will be trying not to make you cry anymore, thats the last thing you need right now. Hold your head up and take care of yourself and that child inside of you.

Awwww, no need to apologize duk. They weren't neccessarily bad tears, just tears. Your word have been so kind and sincere. I really appreciate that.

Still- thanks for clarifying that I was really feeling bad for a while. You sound in much better spirits today and that's a good sign.

Have a great weekend I am off in a short while to take my aggressions out on the poor duckies again for three days. Nevada is made even better by having it's admission day and resulting holiday during the hunting season! Not a good thing for the ducks but a great one for me.

Take care of yourself!

Stillbreathing,

So sorry to hear about your situation especially with the state your in (pregnancy); my heart goes out to you. I was a emotional wreck when I was pregnant and I cant imagine having to go through all I have been through lately with my H's A during that time.

I believe the one thing that caught my eye about your situation is that it sounds so much like mine in the aspect of the emotional roller coaster your husband is on. The feelings you described are the same feelings that my husband described to me and the more I paid attention, the more I could see just what he was saying. I saw the embarrasment, the guilt and shame he suffered from being caught in such a bad situation; but i think what hurt him most was the look in my eyes.

It kinda reminded me of when I was young and done something really bad and had to face my mother who was thinking 'no, not my child', but just having to face her with that disgraceful look tore me apart; enough not to ever want to see that look again. And I think for them it's that same feeling. The A for the both of us was most devastating because I thought the world of my H. I was so proud of him and all of his accomplishments and just his entire demeanor i admired and in one day it all changed. Dont misunderstand me, Im still proud of his accomplishments but I am very upset at his actions, his weakness and hidden desire to fall so easily to someone else. Yes I say 'easily' because anytime your accomplishing good things the devil is always there to throw a trap your way to make you fall. The bible says that what God meant for your good the devil meant for your evil. And it also say's your sins will find you. So thru knowing him knowing that and the scriptures the way he does didnt make any sense to me for him to fall; especially to this. But as you say, we all make mistakes.

If your not, I encourage you to get involve with the word of God because with what your going thru your gonna need the strength of a higher being to intervene in your situation and turn things around. Encourge him to do so as well. Help him to understand that yes he did hurt you and no you dont want to continue being hurt but your willing to work on recovering your M for the sake of you all. And just in case you dont know, you will never see him the same way again, thats lost forever. But the challenge will be seeing and loving him in a new way like never before.

This situation has changed you both and when your actually ready to recognized that change is when you'll be able to truly love him for the person he really is, the good the bad and the UGLY. I thought I saw everyside of my H until I saw this 10yrs later. Can I love it in spite of?
I think it's worth a shot.

So work with him and explain to him that people fall, but they get back up again. I think men are so stuck on how we, as there wives, see them. They try so hard to live up to the 'knight and shining armor' image and even we know that was just a fairytale. They're concerned with the way we will look at them after the truth comes out. Well my answer was this; 'the same way I would want you to look at me if the shoe was on the other foot'.

Hope you guys can work thru this. Sounds like you got to much to loose (love).

Still,

Just checking in on you. How are you doing? Went out and chased those ducks all weekend and came home and fixed a ravioli dinner for six for my daughter's 24th birthday! That will confuse and confound certain other individuals in our family! I am the least domestically gifted individual on this planet and I pulled it off marvelously.

dukhuntr

duk, thanks for checking in. I am doing ok. My son's 7th birthday party was this weekend. AHHHHH, 12 screaming boybarians! It was fun. Then with halloween, decorating, costumes, trick or treating, I jsut haven't had much time to sit in front of the computer. It is good though. I feel better when I am busy.

We had MC yesterday and dh let it slip that "there *is* hope ..." That was a first. Other than that, I think we
are just winding down from all the trauma and settling back into "normal" life. It goes in waves but i feel stronger with every moment that passes.

I see my midwife on Thursday.


Kendra, thank you for your reply. I agree with you. He will often make comments about how he ruined everything and deosn't deserve another chance. I nkow I can forgive him, if only he can forgive himself.

Still,

I'm gald to hear you are well, you had me worried there. Birthday party too huh, my daughters birthday is actually today, when was your son's? Nothing is more fun than watching kids during big events such as birthdays and Halloween. Their enthusiasm and excitement rubs off on you and will take your mind elsewhere for a while.

I am glad to hear your H has given you even more hope than before. Give him the space, time and support and I think good things will come for you. Forgiving himself will be the big breakthru for you as well. As I felt from your earlier posts this is his big hang-up right now. He does not see himself on the same level as you anymore and may not feel he ever will be. Give him all the signals and encouragement you can muster. I know it will be hard because you are in need of the same things, even more with the pregnancy. You can do this, be strong and every time you feel less than strong rub that growing belly and remember why you want to do this.

Have a great week!