Ok, I'll probably get grilled for this one but..

Can men and women be "true friends" or is there always some "chemistry" going on between the opposite sex.

In my case, I seem to either want more then a friendship or they want one and I don't. I desire to have a platonic relationship with a woman. However, I can't think of any male friends of mine that has had a close relationship with a woman where there wasn't something more to it then just being friends. It seems one of them desires to be with the other in some way.

It's really frustrating and sort of a slippery slope in my past and present platonic relationships with women. Recently, the only close girl friend of mine of many years, told me after my divorce that she wanted something more between us. I thought she might be a true girl friend, but instead it just supports my theory that men/women platonic relationships might not be all their cracked up to be.

Sometimes there is alot of things going on beneath the surface.

I agree with you...I don't see how it's possible...there has got to be some sort of attraction there.

My opinion is much like yours. I can see that it's very possible that one of the "friends" could become more attached or desire more in this situation. However, I have read or heard of several people that claim this is possible, but I have a hard time invisioning it.

I had never had this type of relationship in the past, and therefore, would not have been a person to give input.
However, I have become friends with a man, and that's exactly what he is to me and what am to him. He makes me laugh, think, is encouraging and supportive. The reason I believe it is this way is because there is 800 mi between us!
Now, if this person were to live closer to me, I can't honestly say that this friendship would remain the same. It may have developed as it has, or not, or become more than it is today.
I respect this guy and it's wonderful to have insight to the way men think. I enjoy his friendship and what it means to me, and hope that we will remain friends.

I don't feel you will be grilled. I think the responses will be interesting though.

Karona

My best friend at work is a guy, and I'm also good friends with his wife and we spend time together as families.
It must seem odd to outside people, but we mesh more like brother and sister, and its not an attraction issue.
They both supported me through the D process and even attended an MB seminar because they heard me rave about it.
So, yes it is possible and I'm glad it is.
Every situation is different.

I think there can be short periods of time where the "just friends" works.

However -- if you have a very long term friendship there seems to always be one point in time where one or the other entertains ideas of something more.

So my vote is short term? yes
long term? no

I have had female friends for a long time, many of them for 20 years, without any hanky panky.

AGG

No one is saying there HAS to be hanky panky...but one could be harboring deep rooted feelings for the other and just not owning up to it.

I suppose... Of course in that case, one can also suggest that all my male friends might have the same surreptitious thoughts because they are in reality closet homosexuals, or that I am only their friend because I am really interested in their wives, or...

The point is that in 20 years there has been no sign of underlying desires, and I think it is reasonable to take things at face values instead of assuming something more.

AGG

Karona, My GF whom I have been dating for 9 months now. Had a male friend like this. They had been "just friends" for 3 years. They became friends very shortly after her divorce.
She decscribed him almost word for word as you describe your friend. "He makes me laugh, think, is encouraging and supportive"

When we first started dating he would call her while we were out on a date on her cell phone. She would just let it go to voice mail and we would continued the date.
She would call him back the next day and the two friends would update eachother on what was going on in each of their lives.

Over time as we started dating almost every night. His calls became less and less often as she would always let the call go to voice mail.

Sounds like a friendship slowly winding down, doesn't it?

That was until a week ago.

He calls her at 1AM. When he tells her that he is, "in" love with her and always has been.

Speaking from experience, I would have to say that it is for not possible for opposite sex to have a platonic relationship.

One example: My hair dresser and I have known each other for about 14 years now. We are good friends, he knows my EX and all the kids. I would say that we did not have any underlying feelings for each other. I never saw any signs of it. Well, about 6 months after my separation, my friend started showing signs of interest. I was shocked, never saw it coming!

I must respectfully disagree.

Or at least redefine "short term"...

I had, and have, a number of STRICTLY PLATONIC friends of the opposite sex. I have always gotten along better with women than other men. Maybe there is some psychology behind that fact - I was relentlessly taunted as a child due to my thin build and turn-the-other-cheek-at-all-costs rearing. So I sought out females as my close friends, as they tended to be less abusive.

Right now, I spend more than an average amount of time with one of my friends, and I have absolutely no interest in dating her. She is simply not my type.

I guess there is a possibility that I will cease to interact with her if I ever do get into a serious relationship with another woman, out of respect. But I do not see that happening for at least a couple of years from now.

So how is "short term" defined? One year? Two? Three?


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Now, there are those women that you remain friends with in the hopes it will develop further sometime in the future. A very bad idea, IMHO, as it generally ends up in rejection.

TM

IMHO, the ONLY way that men and women can be TRUE platonic friends is IF (BIG if) neither one is attracted to the other...if there is ANY attraction by either one to the other, it is not possible.

Most men make that instinctual "would I sleep with her?" decision in the first few seconds of meeting women and there ain't no way to short-circuit that.

BH~~

I appreciate what you're saying, and I'm interested in how your gf handled this "friendship" while she has been dating you.

I feel that the friendship should know it's place before and when dating begins.
It troubles me that he would call often while the two of you were out. I think boundaries should have been set, or maybe they were and he didn't respect them.

Can I ask what has happened since this piece of information has been told?

In my case, I think we're pretty realistic. He nor I care to have a LDR #1. #2, it would be very unrealistic for him or I to have those feelings as it would be somewhat of a fairytale. We simply do not know one another well enough. We've only met each other once, and have kept in contact since then. I believe we both accept/respect this friendship for what it is, a friendship. We both realize that the day will come when we start dating, that our friendship will take the back seat. It will have to as we both believe relationships come first over this friendship.

Karona

[color:"blue"] Hmmm, well in my experience, every guy I was friends with tried to put the moves on me eventually. I have a long distance friendship with a couple of guys right now, and I won't travel to meet them because they have already indicated a more than just friends interest. It's too tempting to have a close friendship and to feel emotionally intimate and want to move that to physically intimate... Heterosexuals never really do that with same sex buddies, but the temptation with opposite sex buddies is always there IMHO.

I think that a previous poster mentioned that it has to do with attraction. I think the exception to the rule is when one of the buddies is completely unattractive to the other in some way.

My BF has had several "girl" friends over long term (8-20 years), but he eventually slept with all but one. The exception is a woman that he finds completely unattractive (she is very heavy). Some of them still show up at his parties which is discomforting to me - knowing that he had a sexual encounter or two with them.

The calls he would get from any of his girl friends (his ex wife included) have gradually diminished as our relationship has taken precedence for his time. Same with his guy friends - he just admitted to me recently that for the first time in his life he has prioritized (me) a GF over his friends and hobbies.

V.[/color]

The original question was "can men and women be just friends?".

I have stated that I have had such friends for 20 years, and TravellinMan has said the same. So I think the answer to the original question is without a doubt "Yes, they can".

Now, we can go on and on and find examples where someone claimed to be friends with someone of the opposite sex but then ended up sleeping with them, but I don't see how these examples would do anything to disprove the "yes they can" response.

It's as if someone asked "can men and women be happily married", and some of us replied "sure!", while others chimed in and said "no, because I and all my friends are divorced". The logic just doesn't hold up, IMO.

Just because we might know someone who professed to be "just friends" but ended up in the sack does not mean that others can't have platonic opposite sex friends.

Now, if we were to question whether there are possible dangers in that, that is a different story. I would definitely suggest proceeding with caution and not picking friends that you are attracted to, especially sexually. But that does not negate the fact that men and women can be platonic friends.

AGG

The gay guy. Doesn't every woman have a gay guy friend?

My wife has a gay guy friend. Him and his mate are a duet at this gay piano bar in the city.

The problem is I have to go to a gay halloween costume party at the piano bar because of this friendship.

not that there's anything wrong with going to a gay halloween party

[color:"blue"]Thank you AGG,

So I guess I will summarize. Yes guys and gals can be "just friends".

The examples I gave were just to illustrate that it seems unlikely for guys and gals to be "just friends" unless there is no physical attraction on either side.

Harley admonishes us to avoid opposite sex friends because they develop into EAs as well as PAs. Harley advises caution as well but in addition to the possibility of SF, he also, I believe, points to other interesting scenarios.

What if for instance your friends - male and female - were filling most of your ENs? Would you feel motivated to come home and fill your spouse's ENs if yours were being met elsewhere?

So depending upon your ENs, I would think that any friend, male or female, if they took a great deal of time or energy away from the spouse is a threat to the relationship.

V.[/color]

Part of the reason I asked this question was that my ex had alot of boy friends that she chatted with all the time. Work friends none the less, but she hardly had any girl friends. At first I respected her indepedence and her socially outgoing way and let her have at it. Looking back now, I would be wary of someone that had a number of close opposite sex friends. She later had an A with one of her co-workers. It's frustrating because it's easy for a member of the opposite sex to fullfill EN's of your spouse when you may not be aware that
need.

Lately, and much to my horror, the wife of one of my friends has shown interest in me, which really caused me to think even more about this issue of opposite sex relations.

Ok based on AGG's and Travelin's experiences I will change my answer from a complete "NO" to "RARELY"

That is a very good point. The minute we start talking not just about having an opposite sex friend, but an opposite (or same) sex friend who takes away lots of time or energy from a spouse, that is a different topic.

No doubt we have all heard about a wife complaining about her H spending way too much time with his fishing or drinking buddies; that is a perfect example of a "friendship" that affects the marriage. Any friendship (or anyTHING, for that matter) that takes away lots of time and energy from a marriage is a threat to the marriage.

But my opposite sex friends do not and never did take away much time from my marriage, so that is a different issue, though very valid <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG