Tiny,

Ok, let's go down the list you have been given and I think you will see the order. It seems to me YOU should do the following no matter what.

1. End the affair and go no contact with the OM.

2. Tell your H the truth about your affair and that it has been ended by you...if that is the truth.

3. Realize you cannot work on the marriage as long as he is addicted to some medication. Here I would recommend that you, your H, and a new Doc examine what he has been taking, its side effects, and how to ween him off of them. He could deal with the kids and not you because the drugs affect emotional control, and dealing with children takes much less than you were requiring of him. IN fact, taking the drugs might have helped him on some level.

4. Make your boundaries very very clear IF he wants to rebuild this marriage. What are you boundaries? Figure that one out.

5. It seems to me you said something that you really need to address That is one of your boundaries isn't it? You need him to participate in your life, but not run it. It is representative of the marriage and suggests that the medications have affected him.

6. As you look at all of this develop a plan, for addressing his addictions, for recovery IF he wants it after hearing the truth, and where you both would like the marriage to be.

Dr. Harley states explicitly that he will NOT do any marriage counseling until whatever addictions exist have been addressed. I think you should take that approach as well. However, no matter what your A must end, and you must go no contact.

Does this make sense? I hope so.

God Bless,

JL

He will deny the fact of ADDICT. He has been on meds that long, I am positive it has been the same ones for the last 2-2.5 years. I think he does take according to directions, I also think he is WAAAAYYYYYYYY over-medicated. Don't get me wrong, I believe in the medical condition, but the meds he is on seem extreme. I mean sending someone to a "pain clinic" for a prostate problem.? Hence the sexual problems--- all meds and prostate.... this life is so screwed up. OK time for humor.... I am a ho and he is a druggie.... I guess we deserve each other. If he would pimp me at least we would have some sort of partnership! ha ha ha
Sorry, it has been a long day. Time for me to turn in until tomorrow. I may be able to log in after while, who knows, but for now my day is done.
I will print this entire thread and read and re-read the suggestions (and direct orders <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ) Tell me what you all think I should do next as a game plan.

Thanks,
Tiny

Thank you, that IS one of my boundaries...I just did not see it right before me. That is one thing I feel like I must have. I think participation will bring connection on some level.
Thank you very much JL
Tiny

Gosh if only he would experience the one good side effect of the Desyrel, priapism! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hate to be stupid yet again, but what is that?

Tiny

It's not my intent to degrade you or your husband. The word, addict, makes a lot of people think of bearded bums living on the streets, but in one of my meetings there are a doctor, a college professor, pharmacist(imagine that, heh) and two lawyers who were active addicts during their careers.

Priapism is a medical condition where an erection lasts more than 4 hours.

I don't feel you used the term as derogatory, only as a description, addict....adulteror both guilty. Not offended at all.

Tiny

That side effect could require surgery to correct heh

.

I had to ask, huh?

Tiny

Surgery for somebody...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Actually it can require surgery if not corrected quickly. An immediate treatment is to use strong doses of caffene.


Sorry, late in the day and the mind of SA starts to wander.

Hi Tiny,

I just wanted to let you know I've been in exactly your shoes, minus the drug addiction.

I brought home articles which were thrown in the garbage. Books that went unread, even a emotional needs questionaire from this site. I was constantly told it was my fault- that the only problem we had was he wasn't getting enough sex. That I had mental problems and needed medication. We didn't need counseling, there wasn't anything wrong with the marriage, it was me. Yet, he was away 40 weekends out of the year enjoying his hobbies. When he was home I was way below the TV on the schedule. Even when I stepped up meeting his needs in the bedroom he refused to meet mine. I ended up in a very short a with a friend. BIG MISTAKE.

It took a year of being out of the A before I could think clearly.

You say that you are at the point of deciding if you want to stay in the M or not? Well, you cannot while you are still in contact with the OM. Trust us FWW when we say that.

I'm not going to hammer you too much on the A. I know why you did it and we both know it was still wrong, just like mine was wrong.

What you need to consider is this- I left my exhusband rather than try to work on the marriage. He had never changed despite the fact that I point blank told him I'd have an affair or leave him if he didn't treat me better.
I put my kids through the separation and divorce. Everyone that was in my life before turned their backs on me. I lost my best friend even. I guess I deserved every bit of it. It really IS easier to work on the marriage than leave, although I didn't think so at the time.

I have remarried and I'm married to a wonderful guy who GETS it but I still have feelings and regrets over how I handled things with my exh- the affair-- and the pain I put my kids through. Please think carefully before you make any decisions about how you think you will live with them. Right now, you're not thinking clearly- you are truly not.

Not beating on you! Just trying to help! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hey, you asked what is next. JL has spelled it out in order. There is your "to-do list." The next few steps are pretty much laid out for you.

So, you ready?

In His arms.

here is a couple of questions.....

How do I handle interaction with all the folks he has "exposed" to. I will not discuss our situation with them AT ALL.

Also, How do I handle the addiction without involving anyone else? This is a small town, people talk, I know all about that. I honestly don't want the addiction part to get out as another rumor as I have not made any mention of that part of our "situation".

Any suggestions?

Thanks,
Tiny

To MM--

I am working on getting ready <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Tiny

He's not going to do anything about his addiction(based on this thread) unless he first admits to himself he has a problem...and more importantly wants to quit using. Some of those drugs he may not be able to go cold turkey without health risks. A lot of people need professional detox and rehab, some can just walk right into an AA/NA meeting and go from there.

I know!

On his exposure and how to handle those people...now that you are ready to work on the marriage, this becomes an internal thing. You just keep things between the two of you. Once you two are together and it is just the two of you (OM is gone), then it is not anyone else's business.

In His arms.

He has been acting differently the last week. He swore to me that he wasn't taking anything, nothing at all. That is hard for me to believe. He has been more willing to talk to me, and has even been kind to me. Even called me for no reason (tell me the price of gas where he was) during my lunch break. that was a huge thing. That is something I was looking for before, and for him to do it now, wow. I am not sure whether or not to trust this attitude right now or not. The last time he acted like this but to a smaller degree, he produced a videotape of me and OM to OM's wife and proceeded to throw the things I had left in the house out into the yard when I showed up. It's like he gets cocky if he thinks he knows something I don't know. I digress.... so I think I will enable this attitude by returning the same attitude to him.. kind and caring because I genuinely want him to continue on this path. he said over the weekend that he was well on his way to hating me. I don't want that to happen. I will see if he continues to be kind over the next couple of days and if so, I will gently ask him about his medication and the status of that. Maybe that will bring on a conversation that will lead into the dreaded "confession". I feel like I am plotting against him instead of FOR us. I just can't live with him as an addict anymore than he would want to live with me as an adulteror. I am reforming my ways. Threw away ALL cards and letters from OM last night, and did not even open them to look or remember. It was all ok, I am not mad at OM, just through with the lie I was leading and sorry for the pain I have caused to all concerned. I had an e-mail from OM this morning- I am sure a just checking in on you type thing as it was only 2k, but I deleted it. I am on the path, adn I don't think I will fall off the wagon as I want my family back and H now SEEMS willing to at least take one step in that direction. I don't want to be confrontational with the meds question, just out of caring and wanting to work through all of this crap.

Tiny

Tiny, I'm talking as someone who has had the affairs and I still think it would benefit you to let the OM know that you don't want to be contacted. I let the OW know that I had to work on my marriage and to do so I could not have another person in the picture. It completes the severance and ensured I could not easily go back. Those emails that you keep getting will eventually be temptations.

Good progress on getting rid of the other items...I did the same thing. It's good to remove the reminders of the OP.