[On his exposure and how to handle those people...now that you are ready to work on the marriage, this becomes an internal thing. You just keep things between the two of you. Once you two are together and it is just the two of you (OM is gone), then it is not anyone else's business.

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

Look at M.S.'s husband. Here he is, thousands of miles from his lover, and yet he still feels compelled to call her. Can you imagine the trouble M.S. would have had separating them if they had not moved? Their move was the best thing that could have happened to their marriage because it not only revealed the affair, but it also set up the conditions that would make ending it possible -- total separation.

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.

I don't think I was clear.... I meant how do I also handle the people to whom he has exposed ME. I know it will be very hard, I will be judged, looked down upon--you know the whole nine yards-- I guess what I meant by the other post was that I won't be the one saying "Yeah so what I had an A, but look at Mr. Perfect--He's an addict" I would not could not and will not under ANY circumsstance do that. I will need to keep some sort of positive attitude even when I am judged for what I am guilty of or else, I know me, I will get pissy and withdraw from the whole world.

Tiny

I knew what you were talking about. Tiny, if you have stopped the affair and are repentent, then what people say about you no longer applies, correct? Their judgement of you would be off base.

The way to handle it is to ignore it. No one need know what goes on between you and your husband. While the affair should have been public knowledge, your marriage should not be. Just smail and say "My husband and I are together and continue to move forward with our marriage." End of discussion. What they say behind your back...well, who cares?

In His arms.

I am having a little trouble with this one MM. You know waaaaayyy more about this than I do, I am bearly on track at this point. But if I am to ignore what people say if/when a reconciliation is attempted , why should I not ignore what is being said at this point as well. Who cares if people think I am having an A. To be honest, there were rumors of me and OM at least 3 years prior to any "inappropriate" relationship. Double standard?
Tiny

Unfortunately them talking about you and looking down on you- well you kinda brought that on yourself and will have to learn to deal with that somehow.

I totally agree, I take full responsiblilty for that. I am just trying to head MY future attitude off at the pass. I can see it coming a mile away. I can hear the comment: "you made it my business when you are telling me 'the A story', now it is all 'a private matter'? Well sc#$w you". That is the attitude I expect to encounter. I am trying to prepare myself for those events so I don't get pi$$y about it and let it negatively effect any progress that may have been made to that point.

I am particularly concerned about his family. As they think he can do no wrong and that I am TOTALLY to blame for the state of the marriage. Nothing else matters, it is ALL my fault and they don't know why on earth their PERFECT son aka the neglecting addict would ever, EVER even consider letting me back in the house, much less to consider reconciliation to me aka the a-having ho that I am (self-naming there, not sure what all I have been called, but just trying to be cute).

I have been interrupted and lost my train of thought <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Tiny

Hey Tiny, my H is perfect, too -- never done anything wrong in his life. This just isn't in the eyes of his family - my family thinks so, too. None of them know about the verbal abuse, the late nights out without a single phone call, or the belittling of me in front of other people. I had a horrible crisis involving my Dad, H was not supportive in any way, but my family doesn't know a thing about it. I was too afraid to confide in anyone for fear that it would get turned around on me.

I can only thank heavens that my H didn't expose.

I personally disagree with MM about exposure. I feel sometimes is it counterproductive because some family members/friends/fellow churchgoers whatever don't let things go. But of course certain people of certain faiths feel that things like that are everyone's business.

You might have to just grow a thick skin to deal with the comments. Just come up with a line about "We've had our challenges, but I love H and want to do everything I can to make things right." Say it sweetly and with a sincere smile. Come out looking better than they do. It's hard, I kow, I think you and I have similar personalities (I get pi$$y too!).

Sorry, MM, but I personally don't think public ridicule and humiliation is the answer. Singing telegrams, e-mails to entire employee populations within a company, announcing the offense to the church congregation, etc., that we've read about here are a little over the top, IMHO. I can see limited exposure to close friends/relatives who can talk to the offender in a respectful way - that makes more sense to me.

I know I will never measure up to my in-laws. My MIL was a saint (truly!), she and my H worshipped ech other, so he's a saint, too. I'm nothing like my late MIL and my BIL's family won't let me forget it. But they can go pound sand for all I care; I'm not out to impress them.

Come to think of it my family is actually worse than his. Only one of his Aunts that I am worried about. His mom, dad brother ect... all act like nothing ever happened and that I am still home with whole family. I think they all take the thought train of ignore it until it is gone--I think that is where H learned his dealing skills-- he ignored me and I was gone. I can avoid the aunt until everyone else gets used to me being around. My sister hasn't spoke to me since I moved out. I lived with my parents until 6 weeks or so ago, and they were not supportive at all. All my mom would say is that h 'didn't get it'. I don't mean to imply that they should be supportive of the A and that situation, but a little steering me in the 'right' direction would have been well placed. None of them know about the addiction, the neglect, my true unhappiness... all they know is that h had proof there was OM (whom they knew). I never denied it to them, it just wasn't mentioned much. Dad kept telling me I was stupid and crazy adn more than I even want to dredge back up. So upon reflecting on my original question, I guess it was misplaced should be worried about reaction to other people. Maybe, I can hope, family will all continue to ignore all that has happened. The church we attend will be a different story. They would be estatic to see me return home, however they would make it a mission to make me see the error of my ways. To make sure I know "what I have caused". Fellow churchers will be the hardest because they will see the need to gossip even more, no, I know church people don't do that, but you know....

Tiny

One thing I asked H was to talk to me. I had/have a real problem with him talking to EVERYBODY he saw and knew about this. he even went so far as to seek out one of my co-workers at co-w's 2nd job to expose and rumor about me and OM. Same C-w on Friday before I moved out on Sunday was telling me how good a friend I was adn that I was "family" loved me like the sis he never had... would do anything for me... now co-w won't even come on the same floor as me and turns his head when I am in the vacinity. That is hypocritical as co-w is close friends with OM and continues to pretend to OM that he knows nothing and is still best friends with him. twisted I know, but true. The problem is why would h talk to the planet about ALL our problems (except his addiction of course) and would not discuss any of it with me....

Tiny