HOW?!!?!?! HOW?!?!?!? That is one of the things I want... for him to take the lead, or at least part of it. I don't know how to get that point across, obviously everything I have done to date is wrong. He is not very outgoing and will not stand up for me, he will wait on me to do it for myself. I am very outspoken, so he tends to blend in. I have kept my mouth closed and it does not good at all. What direction do you suggest I take to get him to be the leader?

Mortarman I am beginning to think you know everything.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Tiny [/quote]

First off, thanks for the compliment.

I do have a question though...are you and your husband saved? With that answer, I think I have the solution for this. But while I wait for your answer, let me give you an example situation.

Let's say that there is something coming up that your husband should rightfully take the decision about. And he is being quiet about it, and would let you take charge of it. How do you "make" him take his leadership role? You pass it off to him. How?

Okay, let's say it is a decision on buying something, maybe a new lawn mower. Yo uwant him to take the lead here and decide. He keeps saying "whatever you want to get is fine." What do you do?

You go to him and say "Honey, this is not an area that I should deal with. This is your responsibility. I am here to help you, but I will not make the decision for you. I will honor the decision you make, as long as I get to give my opinion. If you chose not to make a decision though...then we just wont have a new lawnmower."

And then leave it to him. If the grass grows ten foot tall...so what? Leave it to him. Do not baby him and do what he should. He is the head of your family. He is the head of the wife. God equipped him for that job, not you (incidentally, there is a theme on here about that...more on this below). He is the only one that can fulfill that role.

On what I was saying about this theme...a lot of WWs on here write about how their husband didnt take the lead, that they shut down, that they didnt act like they cared. Women want a man to lead, whether they will admit it or not. It is the way men and women were created by God. And a man that wont lead, will not be respected by his wife. And a man that is not respected by his wife, is not loved or desired by his wife. Women do not stay with men that they do not respect.

Anyway, I have to leave work now...mroe later.

In His arms.

Yes, we are saved. I have tried as you suggested above, got no where. No time to explain now, tomorrow--gotta go too.

Thanks MM

Tiny

My former husband was the same way- I wanted him to lead but he was too lazy to lead so I had to do it! If I had a nickel for everytime his dad- who was chairman of the deacons told me, "Thank God you bring the kids to church- because he won't- you're such a good mom" and now he's perfect because I was the one who stepped out of the marriage. No one sees the other side when you are the cheater and even though that doesn't seem fair, I guess I used to could see why. Until I was on the other side....

I got tired of leading. I let the grass grow up- everything it didn't do any good. God will judge me for the affair I had but he will judge my exhusband for not leading the family and loving his wife has he was called to.

Mortarman- you are a good man. Thank you for your insight and counsel on this thread.

This is all true. While the affair is your fault, and God will judge only you for that...your husband has a much deeper problem. Because he has been given the position that a wife must submit to, there are also responsibilities with that power. Any husband that does not lead, that does not own up to their responsibilities, will be judged severely by God. Where the family ends up will be left at the husband's feet, not the wife. The wife is just judged on whether or not she respected her husband and submitted to his headship.. That's it. All of the responsibility for the outcome of the marriage and family rests on the husband.

Read the section at the bottom of this post on the roles of husbands and wives. it took me awhile to learn this. But I am getting better at it. So please check out the roles, because it does go somewhat into what a wife should do to get her husband to lead.

In His arms.

H is not to lazy to lead, just to unmotivated or unwilling to do so. There is not a lazy bone in that work-a-holics body. Maybe lazy in the r department but that is it. I suppose I have some control issues on this topic as I am unwilling to let h "allow the grass to grow up" so to speak. I find in irresponsible on my part to sit idly by while h lets things go and takes no control of situations. If let to his responsibility, our r would be of no issue whatsoever because he was "satisfied" with no contact with his wife in any aspect of life other than the fact that I took care of everything. Now I am gone and he is having to do those things. It is a learning experience for him I know. He is managing to get the basics, but the second I am back in the picture, he regresses into the "take care of me" role. He does this even when he is upset with me or in a different environment than the usual house routine. I am not so sure I can let our family fall on its face while he does nothing about it.

Tiny

look, it wasnt working before. You taking his responsibilities for him. The family has already fallen on its face because you took charge. You took charge, and the family is now split up and you have been in an affair. How much further on its face could it be?

If you read the Roles of Husbands and Wives, you will see that this has been the problem since the Garden. Eve thought she would take control. She began talking to snakes. Then, with her husband right there (being passive), she talks her husband into eating that fruit. It could have all been avoided if Adam had stodd up and said "No, Eve. We are not going to do it your way. I am taking charge here and we are goign to do it God's Way." Well, what if Adam never made a decision. Well, Eve could have said to him..."Adam, this snake is making sense to me. Maybe we can eat this. What do you think? What is your decision? I will honor your decision." And then sat back and let him make a decision. Or not make a decision.

Again, if you read about these roles in my link here, you will see that by leaving him to make the final decision, it does not make you helpless or powerless. God says that if you respect your husband, submit to his headship...then God will have your back. He will take care of that man. But if yo utake it upon yourself to do his job, or to berate him, or to take charge, God wont touch him. God can take care of that man...you get out of the way. And you do that through honoring his position, submitting to him as the Lord has outlined, and being his partner and providing input. You do not get out of the way by taking charge and/or taking his place. You as a wife, are not equipped to take his place...just as he is not equipped to take your place in the things that only women can do.

Tiny, this is going to be a testimony to showing you the difference between simple and easy. This whole thing as outlined by God is VERY simple. But many times, it is not easy. You dont have to trust your husband...but you do have to trust Jesus. If both of you are saved, God has said that He will direct your husband.

By your posts here, you have said that you have tried. But what you have written tells me that you have not tried God's way. Neither has your husband.

Do your part. Direct your husband to where he should be and help him lead. And should he decide not to do so, get out of the way because the 2x4 that Jesus is going to put upside his head is coming.

In His arms.

Hi tiny,

i am not sure if i have read all the pages here, but i think i have...

i was just thinking about you and wondering about how YOU are and what YOU plan on doing from here?

have you stopped all contact with OM?

have you thought more about confessing to BH?

are you planning on changing your living situiation at all, (i.e. move back home). i believe you have mentioned that you have been out of the house for 6 months now.

i also wanted to ask, how are your kids doing with you out of the house? they must miss you as you do them.

{{{{tiny}}}}

i hope you are finding some answers here. i hope you keep posting too.

I am NOT ok at the moment. I am frustrated and confused and all the other things that go along with this crap. I only have a minute so I'll try to quickly answer your questions as best I can.
Plans??... Plans on trying to sppend some time with H this weekend and see how that goes. All I know to do.
contact with OM? OM e-mailed a very short note and I deleted. Haven't had time to do nc letter.
on confessing to H.... he does not seem to care about that at all. He will, I know, but I am not going to force the issue just yet, it will only make things worse at this point....time will tell.....
move back home? not yet.
Kids? Kids are great with it. They were used to one of us at the time already, as h worked all the time and when he wasn't working, he was totally involved with them while I 'caught up' on the rest. We share equal custody. dd is 5 and SHE decided the arrangements-- too grown up for her age-- 2 days with mom and 2 days with dad-- "that way by the time it is time to miss you, it is time to come and see you" it works for us. We both share all her (ds is only 22 months) activities-sports, school. H and I call kids each night to see how the day went and to say goodnight I love you. Not a day goes by that we both don't see or talk to them. Most of the time we each see them daily. At first there was some stress from being out of dd's home, but things are great now with that. She says she would rather be happy with mom and happy with dad than to have mom and dad arguing or not speaking and have us together. More on that later. Gotta go. Thanks to all.

Tiny

Hi Tiny,

How are you doing? are you still out there reading?

i've been praying for you. check in sometime.

Yeah, I am still here. Time is limited due to a greater work load right now. Things with h going well. We spent most of the weekend together, took the kids trick or treating. Big deal.... we BOTH went to my parents, his parents and his grandmas with the kids MOnday night. It all went very well. A little tense at my parents because my sister was there, but all in all a great night. I think things are on the upswing. I have to go to lunch now, I'll fill more in when I get back.

Tiny <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Just got back from lunch and h called while I was out and asked if I was running late, I said no... he was waiting for me on my usual lunch route-- I had errands which made me deviate-- long story short, I suprised him by showing up where he was. At least we have been smiling when we have been together tha last few days... another step in the right direction. However getting along has never been a problem... until times get tough. I guess time will tell how this goes.

Thanks for thinking of me.

Tiny

Tiny,

I think of you because of how much the kindness of the people here helped me. i was very lost when i got here. lost and looking for answers/direction.

there are many kind people here to support and help you if you want to salvage your marriage.

TIME will NOT tell you anything. time will only make you grow older, and your kids too.

it is our decisions that drive how our life will be.

everything we do (or don't do) little or small. that is what determines how "this goes".

bump

Things are still going well with h. I think we will have plans for the weekend which will be nice. I have spent most of the week near him in some way. He seems to really be trying to fill some of the needs he recognizes which I notice and appreciate. We have both mostly been just trying to be able to enjoy each others company agaon and steered away from r talk. Last night there was a little bit of the r talk, but not much, enough to let me know that he is actually thinking about this. I am glad about that too, he has never "opened up" to me at all, and I wish he would. I hope to have a good weekend with h and my kids, that would be nice.

Tiny