Hi all. Well I am new to this board. I am glad to have found it! Well, heres the story.
My husband has a close girl friend that he talks to who lives in texas. He has known her for about 8 years, a little longer than he has known me. Anyway ever since we've been married they have talked quite a bit, and a few years ago they were talking through email and it turned out they wanted to be a little more than friends. He was telling her that he loved her. She was probably saying the same thing back.

Anyway, that was back in 98-99, but I guess I havent really gotten over it and they still talk now. He knows Id prefer that they didnt talk anymore but he does anyway. He thinks im being silly for thinking that anything is going on. .She is married with a child, as are we. I just dont like their close relationship. They talk every few days, sometimes a few days in a row, and once in awhile a few times in one day. They also send pictures back and forth sometimes. Every time they talk on the phone I get all annoyed with him. It just frustrates me that they talk so much. Also, she is from the same city that I am from, and he keeps telling me how we should go visit my mom , because she always comes up here to visit. I guess I always just think he has an ulterior motive when he says that.

Anyway I dont mind if they just talk sometimes, but yesterday she called and they talked about half an hour, and then she called again later, and they just talked for a minute. She said she had to get back to whatever she was doing.. Then why did she even call in the first place?? Anyway, I heard some of their conversation from earlier in the day. She was asking him for his work address to send pictures to, supposedly of her daughter and her this halloween.. Anyway my husband was saying "well Ill be waiting for them" and "i like the pictures that you send." I suppose thats not so awful, just a little annoying. We are planning a trip down to texas, where shes from, actually my hometown, and he was asking if she thought her husband would mind them hanging out.. He was talking to her about when her husband left him a nasty voicemail awhile back because of all the calls that she was making to him.

Anyway, my husband says that they worked it out, but still seems to think her husband might get upset.. Gee, I wonder why? lol Anyway, there wasnt too much else to the conversation.. Seems like they will talk about any small thing, just to talk. They were talking about different kinds of foods they like and dislike, etc..I just think their relationship is weird.

Now, I have found out that they are emailing each other again. My husband is telling her things like he dreams about her, though he didnt say what the dreams were about, that her emails brighten his day, and also he tells her that he hopes to see her again sometime soon. Then just recently, I read an email he sent her saying "sometimes I will just lay in bed thinking about you, you are a truly wonderful friend." Now this really upset me and I know this is not just a friendly relationship.

I just dont know what to do about it. It doesnt sound good. He has already lied and told me he didnt even have her new email address and doesnt talk to her through email. So he has lied quite a bit in our relationship. I feel like I can never really trust him again.

Anyway, I saw someone post about a book called "Not just a friend." I actually just ordered this book. Has anyone here read it? Well, I am open to any advice. Sorry this post is so long.. Thanks all!

P.S.
He calls her "my friend" and doesnt call her by her name.. Is that weird or is it me?

I hate to break this to you but there is some serious problems here. Your husband is involved in an EA. Regardless of whether he has become physical in any way with her or not, the relationship is not appropriate for a married person. They are filling each others needs outside of the marriage. If allowed to continue, it is a matter of time and opportunity before it goes to the next level.

Although most of us here have experienced a full blown PA, there really is no difference between an EA or a PA. There is no such thing as an innocent relationship between two married people of opposite sex. What you describe, constant contact, pictures, etc. indicates that your WH is expending energy meeting the needs of someone other than you so that he can get needs met of his that apparently you are not filling.

You also seem to either be in a little denial about how serious of a problem this is or he is majorly manipulating you and you are taking it like a "good wife". If you want this to escalate to a full blown PA (if it's not already) and be headed for divorce court soon, just keep up what you are doing.

If you want to save this M and build a M that is equally fulfilling for both of you, you have to take some immediate steps.

1) Read every resource on this site, especially those dealing with affairs, what constitutes an A, and how to stop them. I would start with Surving an Affair.

2) Get Harley's book, His Needs/Her Needs..how to affair proof your marriage and read it. Suggest that your husband read it as well.

3) Get into marriage counseling with a good pro-marriage C.

4) Complete the Emotional Needs Questionaire with your H and find out for both of you what your most important emotional needs are and how to fill them.

5) Stay away from love busters. Info found on this site.

6) Learn about and implement a Plan A. This is not intended to make you into a doormat but rather to show your husband that you can fulfill all of his needs and he does not need to seek to fill his love bank outside of the marriage.

7) Spend as much time with him as you can and start communicating better. Tell him without LB'ing why his relationship with this other friend is hurtful to you, disrepectful to your child, and dangerous for your marriage.

I have not read Not Just a Friend but have heard good reviews. Information is power. Consider buying a digital voice activated recorder and placing it in his car and behind the telephone to get additional information about the extent of his R with this person.

I believe that the experts would also suggest that you immediately expose this affair. Talk to OWH and tell him that you feel that their relationship is inappropriate. Expose to his parents, friends, anyone who could put pressure on his to stop this before it goes to far.

As my good friend and fellow poster on this site once told me "Once you start down the slippery slope, it is hard to climb back up and nothing good happens on the way down."

There are red flags all over your current R and you better take heed or the consequences will be significant.

Sorry so harsh, but I don't want you to have to endure the pain that so many here have been through. At least this R is in the open enough that you can get in front of it.

Thanks nottoday.. Very good advice!

Hi Jen, I was reading your post and got this awful feeling in my gut. It is so like my sit. My husband had a female friend she was married no children we met her through my husbands hobby. We met them for dinners, she came to house house for visits etc. Then it was like she was always here or they were going somewhere in relation to this hobby talk on msn till late at night I also confronted him about this and said i feel left out of your life, im lonely etc. He said with a laugh her hubby was saying the same thing. Things were good for a while and then it all went back to the same old same old. I would come home from work on a sunday afternoon to find her here sitting next to my husband in his office downstairs and feel so sick. I was in denial i had so much faith in my relationship that i thought i was being stupid and overreacting about it. Then it all just got too weird and i went down one morning and read his chat post to her and well the rest is history. Basically they were opeing up to each other about problems etc in their lives and she was giving him all the oohs and ahhs that he felt he needed because she had no other responsibilities going on about her so she could give him her undivided attention. she had problems in her marraige and i could go on but this is about you. If you feel uncomfortable about it do something before it is too late. I didnt do anything and now i am trying to get my life back together.