this is EXACTLY right!
How many times have I read a story on here about how a WH gives up the OW, spends months feeling sorry for himself, and continues to see her as the perfect woman. The one he had to give up for you. His true soul mate. And after a year, or two years, suddenly he is back with the OW. He says he "tried to make it work, but she is the one his is meant to be with"

You don't want any of that crap! You want him to spend as much time with her now as he possibley can. So he will be able to see her as she truly is. Just a woman. Not some super hero, just an ordinary woman, just like the rest of us. With her own feelings, her own moods, her own issues. He needs to get a full doze of this woman, so he can get it out of his system!

With you, he has all ready gone through those beginning stages, where he found out that you snore like everyone else, and you like to turn the heat up hotter than him, etc. He knows your little quirks. And you know his. and you have both adjusted. Your R is familiar.
With her, he has yet to discover all her quirks, and then have to figure out how to live with them. I always feel sorry for the WS at that point. The moment when they wake up and realize that the OP is NOT better - only different.

It must be a horrible reality moment for them.

The more time they have together, the better. It takes away that fantasy. If he were to come back to you today, he would always have this fairy tale picture of her in his mind. You don't want that.

First Financial Red Alert!!!!!

I called Sara to tell her to remind Bill that this is his week to pay the caregiver for DS. He told her that he just paid $330 to the accountant for our taxes( I TRULY BELIEVE HE PUT THAT ON A CC) and that he had left a note already about me paying the caregiver since he was short.

NOT. He left me a note two weeks ago asking to "borrow" or "spot" him $40 to $50 bucks. I ignored his note.

He mentioned that I ignored his note & I explained to Sara what that was all about. Anyway, he said he could not pay this week.

I told Sara I would think about what I wanted her to say to him. She is concerned now about me & my finances. I am too.

Here is my thought for a response: He is off anyway when DS gets done with school. If he can't pay for this week then he needs to pick DS up from the bus & take care of him until 5 PM everyday this week.

It might screw over the caregiver however. He will need to explain to the caregiver why he can't pay her this week.

I could tell him the tax refund check came in & I plan on going by the bank tomorrow to make arrangements for them to deposit for us.

HELP! WS did pay a $75 bill last week, without my asking. Is he showing signs of disappearing financially???

Kim

In my view, the WS is like an ADDICT and is on the road to self-destruction..

Your finances will get messed up because of his need to feed his addiction..spending money on the OW....

Where are you in regards to a legal separation agreement? It is necessary for the protection of you and your son....

OW has her hands on HIM and HIS MONEY....

I haven't even started on that. I have a back-up with a refi on the house that I am working on though...Plus just got our state tax money. THe bigger check for federal will be another couple of weeks.

Kim

Kim,

Don't wait to long, please.......

I waited way to long and look at the mess I am in. I am still in a mess because court isn't unitl Dec. 9.....

I should have done this months ago but I trusted him to do the right thing.... And now he knows about the papers he has offered no money. I don't expect him to either, which of course is not going to look good in court but nothing I can do until then....

Please promise you won't wait long to get some agreement done.... It's ****** to be like this ...

Hurting

I Plan on interviewing attorneys tomorrow.

This sucks.

Kim

Kim,


Your not kidding it sucks..... I never thought the man I loved for all these years would ever do such despicable things but he has.

get it all done sooner than later... It will save you a load of hurt....


Hurting

WH is out taking DS around trick or treating right now. He was supposed to have him back 10 minutes ago so I could have a turn........

Kim

Here is my other thought on the caregiver $$ sitch. I can just take it out of the tax money check that we received. But make it clear that he is responsible for paying every other week. If he sees that he is short then he needs to make arrangement to be the caregiver for the week.

Any feedback?? I will be calling Sara shortly to tell her what I've decided....

1 - Tell him he needs to either pay this week or be the cargiver
2 - Just take it out of the tax $$ this time, but make it clear as to what his responsiblities are.

Kim

Kim, why can't you just suggest it be taken out of his tax money?

Did he bring DS home?

p.s. I love your picture, you are gorgeous!!

MelodyLane -

That's what I was leaning towards - I will pay the caregiver tomorrow, go by the bank & see if they will do the arrangement with the $$. I will just take the caregiver $$ out of the tax $$ and deposit it in my account. I am just going to really make it clear what he needs to do next time he is short. I know he has money b/c the worker hasn't come by to do any of the house stuff yet.

WH did bring DS home & we got to go around together. DS is having fun giving out candy right now!!

Sara is not happy at all that WH is behaving this way.

Thanks for the compliment on the picture! Being out with MB friends made me happy!!

Kim

What picture!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

From the Atlanta MB gathering.....Melodylane is being way too complimentary!

So - I had a long conversation with Sara on my way home from work. She wanted to know how I was doing & wanted to know if DS had asked anything more about the sitch. I told her my concerns about WH being too comfortable there. She said they hardly see him with his schedule. That he doesn't seem comfortable hanging around there. I think he is hooking up with OW more.

She said she hoped I had a backup Plan. It sounds like WH is pretty set on what he is doing. I told her that I was sure he was justifying the A to her & that he wanted it to be "accepted". She said that it was far from being accepted. She wanted to know how long I was going to let this go on this way. I told her I didn't know that I lasted in the first "phase" way longer than many......that it was really up to how much I could emotionally take.

I didn't want to tell her that I felt like I could go on indefinitely this way. I think maybe it's part of my personality.....I am pretty good at denying things. So, it seems that as long as it is not in "front of my face" the sitch doesn't exist....I don't know if that makes sense or not. It IS more than real, but now that WH is out of the house I feel kinda like Rocky. I am up for the fight. I am stubborn and I believe that I will win out in the end. It's not going to be pretty & it's not going to be easy.

Anyway, that is my outlook on it at the moment.

Sara told WH that I would most likely move if we D. He said again that it would be a long commute every other weekend. She said do you really think you will keep that up?? Sure, it will happen initially but something will come up one weekend and then it will get to be too much trouble and then you will just fade out of DS's life.

She said he was pretty quiet after that. Sara is playing bad cop. Charlie is playing good cop. Sara also brought up the statistics with A's and 2nd M's. And the trust issue since they both cheated on their current partners, there will always be that concern in the back of their minds. WH said he didn't think that would happen.

She is working on him hard. I told her & she knows that it is just going to be a decision that WH is going to have to make.

Anyway, Sara's mom is coming into town for Thanksgiving so they will need the guest room that WH is staying in. I told Sara that she & Charlie would need to communicate that to WH so he could make other arrangements. She said that WH seemed to not have any kind of a plan at all.

I don't know where I was going with this post.....I guess just sharing info about my sitch & how FOGGED out WH still is.

Kim

Mimi - I meant to thank you for your post earlier!! I was so frantic that I didn't tell you that I appreciated your insight. I will read it several times until it really sinks in good!!

Kim

Kim, I wonder why Sara is asking you for "your" back up plan? It is not you that needs a back up plan, but your WH. Everything is going along just fine on your end. You could probably stay in Plan B for a year!

Is she expecting you to take him back even though he is still in his affair?

I think she is concerned about me both financially and emotionally. She wanted to know if I had an attorney - I think she had another friend recently whose husband bailed on her & the friend was wiped out in both arenas.

WH really does not have a plan. Sara said that he is "flying by the seat of his pants." I told her that he has difficulty making decisions - that usually what happens is that decisions are made for him.

She was concerned about WH saying he was not going to be able to pay for childcare this week. She said to make sure I started making a list of these things.

She is so perfect for being the go-between. She did say this was bringing up a lot of memories of what she went through with her H who had an A on her. Now she's married to Charlie.

She definitely does not expect me to take him back while he is still in the A. She just doesn't want to see me left out in the cold.

Kim

oh good, I am glad you clarified that for me. I was worried that she might be expecting some kind of resolution to Plan B this early in the game. She sounds like a wonderful friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am very proud of you for holding your ground and not allowing WH to come in and cook dinner. Am amazed that he thought he should be able to do that!

Kim:

Who is the f-ing moron who predicted that you couldn't do a PLAN B and would stay and let your WH cakeeat....I want a piece of whoever said that right now. Damn, this pisses me off, just thinking about this for you.

Let me know when you find out the culprit.

Thanks.

Lem

LMAO!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
So Lemon Guy how many ways can you prepare crow? And what are you doing with all those feathers?