Kim, I think you are handling DS splendidly and really commend you for doing a such a good job with him. It is hard to think first of your children some times when your emotions are so torn.

I think you were most clever with the alarm solution. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Any reaction from your WS about this?

What does your mother think about the whole situation?

Orchid - I despise the WH. I try not to think about him at all - which of course I can't help at times. I miss my H & hope he surfaces some day soon. I told Sara tonight that this is really starting to effect DS & that DS cried last week for his Daddy to come home.

I don't believe that Sara & Charlie will allow him to stay there much longer -

Thanks for the warm words of support!!

MelodyLane - I know I will have my down days where it will be hard not to cry or be sad in front of DS....I haven't been tested recently as I haven't felt terrbily emotional as of late.

No reaction that I am aware of from WH about the alarm system. I'm sure he's made comments to Sara & Charlie. I will have to see how it goes with the mortgage......I am planning on putting a packet of mail in the garage for him tomorrow with slip of paper from me - two words only:

**Childcare

**Mortgage

I will be e-mailing Sara tonight for something unrelated, but will include a message instructing her about the mail & the childcare/mortgage due.....

I fear his reaction to the alarms being set will be no Mortgage check. But really, does he want to make me unable to pay and risk loosing his equity?? If I can't pay & the bank takes the home, then he will loose a huge chunk of money. I wonder if he realizes that??

My mother still does not know the details......It's funny you asked b/c we were talking today & she said she doesn't like being in the dark.(my sister's family in CO is going through a crisis sitch & she also chose not to give my Mom all the details). I guess us sister's feel protective of our Mom knowing everything b/c we feel like she has enough on her plate to deal w/& we don't want her to worry......

I told my Mom that she is doing so much for me just by being available to talk & help out with DS. She loves being able to do that.

Kim

If his credit history is good, I don't think he would jeopardize that in any way.

I haven't posted to you but I've been following. You are doing great. Hang in there.

Susan

you are doing a great job...

yea, ws is going to soon have the hosts unravel the darn welcome mat for him.

keep your good work up...you are amazingly adept at being able to keep business things apart from relationship issues. admire ya!

Hi Susan - Thanks!! Is today your birthday??? If it is, Happy Birthday. You have a Birthday cake by your name.

WH's name is not on the mortgage, just mine. When we re-financed a couple of years ago his income was not verifiable so he couldn't be on the mortgage. SO, it would be my credit getting ruined. If I have to take legal steps to get him to pay though, I will. I just don't believe he understands the implication if he does not continue providing support to his family.

Peachy - I try hard not to bring in my feelings, etc. when dealing with Sara. I did slip & let her know about how hard of a time DS is having now. I hope that message gets to WH(so I guess it really wasn't a slip....)

I really don't know what WH will do when the time comes that he is "pushed out of the nest".

Kim

Yes it is! The BIG *5 0* today. I've been around the block a few times.

Thank you for the birthday wishes.

Keep up the good work and keep your chin up.

Susan

Congrats Susan!!!

& Whoo Hoo! WH sent DS in with checks for both mortgage & childcare. He didn't pick up his mail in the garage though so I believe that Sara didn't even have to prompt him about mortgage.

WH did that all by himself.

What a sweetheart.

Kim

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just checking on you Kim. Hope everything is happy and calm in your neck of the woods.

Hi Jean -

Thanks for checking in. I've been taking some time to be with my own thoughts for a while. I've been in a weird funk the past four or five days and had a really bad night last week. I'm feeling better now -

My mom might be out of town for the Holidays. Found out this morning that my nephew is in more trouble(haven't really shared this on the boards & won't go into the details). It's my sister who lives in CO and her H is in Iraq. Very long story about her family - wont' go there. Mom is scared to go out there and feels like she is not strong enough emotionally. She is trying to decide what to do. She is also torn about leaving with it being my first Christmas alone, plus she was looking forward to helping out with DS.

So, that's the news for the day. Made me a bit sad & I am having to scramble for child care for next week. I told her that I would support her whatever her decision was.

DS brought home a present for me to put under the tree from him. We decorated over the weekend & put up our tree. He decided to hang WH's stocking even though "Daddy won't be here." Not sure if I am going to fill it or not??

OH, I KNOW!!! I WILL PUT A LUMP OF COAL IN IT.

That would be cruel to DS, but appropriate to WH.

Kim

OOps! My post got lost!!

Received a call from Sara earlier. WH wanted some more of his blank checks and then she said that he wanted me to e-mail his resume to him at a new e-mail account.

I could take that many different ways -
1 - He is fed up with working nights, especially now that it is way cold and he wants a regular job.
2 - He is feeling some pressure at the current job with his ongoing A and is afraid he might get fired(he never takes action unless something is pushing him to do it)
3 - He is planning on getting a day job so he & OW can get a place together. He can watch her kids at night while she continues to work nights.
4 - He is coming out of the fog some. Realizing that his current job sucks even though it allows him contact with OW, OW is not living up to his fantasy enough to keep working that job.
5 - He is taking a first step towards getting a new job so he I have more reason to trust him. He is taking an action step towards showing me he wants to work on the M??

Those are my thoughts ---- I know which one I WANT it to be. But I don't have my hopes up.

I would like to give H a card for Christmas....Have been thinking a lot about that. Short card with one note.....like Wish my H and Father of my son would come home for Christmas.

Kim

Oh, and there was also a message on the HOME phone from a recruiter that wanted to talk with him about a position....

Hmmmm.

Hi Kim, I can't guess why your H wants his resume. Its so hard to know what they are thinking. I don't thinmk its a good idea to give him a Christmas card. He needs to be treated to a vision of what life will be like as a single man.

He knows what he needs to do in order to come home so you don't need to tell him again. Let him come to you instead. Remember how it went the last time you asked him if he was ready to come home? You were devastated at his response. He knows what to do if that is what he wants.

Mel, what do you think about Kim sending him his resume? I always prepared my WH's resume and I just recently deleted it off the computer. I thought, let your honey do it for you. It's just another small thing we do for them, let them feel the pain without it. Just another reminder that it's not easy being a WS.

I know, I don't plan on thinking any more about his reasons for wanting his resume. It would be good if he got a different job though....even if it weren't for our M it would allow him more quality "awake" time with DS.

I know the WH doesn't deserve a card. I just want to give one to my H. But he's not around. DS picked out a picture frame tonight to give WH. He wants to put a picture of himself in it.

Has anybody seen that show Ballroom Boot Camp? I'm thinking of taking a Ballroom Dance Class!!! I used to dance and think it would be fun!

ML, hope your holiday season is going nicely so far!

Kim

Shattered - that's a thought. I haven't deleted any of WH"s stuff from the computer. He does his own resume, but I helped him this summer jazz it up A LOT. It sounds so much better now. I would only need to send it as an attachment to his e-mail.

Kim,

I think you should take the class. You will have a ball. It will also make WH think when DS mentions that mommy goes "dancing"!

OOH Yeah!! I just need to find something in my area. It won't be "Ballroom Boot Camp" but it will still be fun. Some of the dances look hard, but I love a challenge. Hmmm. Ballroom is partner dancing. I know many people sign up individually.

Would that be a good idea after all?? It could get me into some trouble possibly. Having a male partner. Dancing. Something I enjoy. Could be risky with me feeling all neglected and everything.

I didn't think of it like that until now. Might not be such a good plan.

Kim

Kim,
How vulnerable are you? I would soak up any attention right now but I am so wrapped around my WH that I think I have steel doors around me. It is a fine line that you would have to decide for yourself. It would do wonders for your self esteem to be out dancing and having fun. If you think you might be led astray, then maybe it's not such a good idea. Then again, how many single hotties do you think are signing up for ballroom dancing? Something tells me you may be safer than you think! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I'd probably be pretty darn safe!


I received another call from Sara today. She didn't get to finish her conversation with me yesterday. We talked about me getting WH's resume to him and then she paused for a second.

Sara asked me "What my Plan was." She said "What does WH need to do to come home?"

That caught me off gaurd and I'm sure my mouth dropped open. She said that "WH wanted to find out what he needed to do."

I told her the first thing was to end his A. She said that had pretty much happened. WH and OW haven't seen each other since just after WH moved out. They haven't spoken since before Thanksgiving. Apparently, OW has stopped returning his phone calls and Sara said that WH has gotten the picture. Sara said that a couple of weeks ago WH left a message for OW to call him - "he had some major decisions he needed to make." OW did not return his call.

I said that I needed a No Contact letter. That was a must before I would even talk to WH again. He needed to agree to MC and find a new job.

She said that this past Monday she let WH "have it". She had already planned on talking with him & he knew that he was to be out of their house for company on the 15th. She said she yelled at him for 10 minutes. Told him his was a quitter, self-absorbed and a whole bunch of other things. She laid it out on the line and told him she was fed up!!!!! That he had quit his music, quit school, quit being a Dad and Husband. She said she talked to him like he was a child and when said some things to him that he needed to hear. She told him him that her 4 & 6 year old children were more outwardly focused than he was. She asked him "What have you done for anybody else these past 8 weeks? It has all been about you." By the end, he was crying and she was shaking. She was heading out the door to do a fundraiser for underprivileged kids and was still shaking when you got to her meeting.

WH called her later and left a message thanking her for the things she said to him.

These were things he needed to hear. I think the key was that he was ready to hear them. I think he is coming out of the fog.

Sara said that WH is housesitting somewhere that if further from work than he realized. He will have to drive in an hour to work. He will be in a cold, empty house out in the boondocks next week and for Christmas. Sara said it will be a big change from being out her house.

There was much more in the conversation, but the jist of it is written here.

What do I do next? Have I left anything out from the list that I need WH to do before I talk to him?? Do I let him come home when I get the No Contact letter?????? I'm not sure what steps I take when WH is ready to reconcile!

I am not going to get too excited or hopeful, here. This is just a positive sign that WH is coming out of the fog & just a conversation with Sara. I haven't seen any action here so I am going to remain calm.

Kim