Thanks you two for the links!! I will check those out for sure.....

Weekend has been eventless as far as WH activity....No letter so I am guessing he is really having a hard time taking that step. Not quite ready to let go of OW yet. Not felt the pain enough obviously.

Did some cleaning on Saturday, painted a little more and then took DS to see a beautiful light show - 6 miles long with a live Nativity set. I had read to DS the story about the true meaning of Christmas that afternoon so he really got into watching the live Nativity.

Received a card for WH's Mom - Christmas card with a note:

"Hi Hon,
Hope you are doing okay. I know things are rough, but have a feeling things will work out. Keep in touch. Call anytime. Hope 2006 is a lot better.

Love & Hugs,
MIL, FIL"

Just another encouraging sign that WH is defogging.

Went to church today----I absolutely love this Church & believe I will transfer my membership there. Anyway, the Pastor has been relating the movie Narnia(The Lion, The Witch & the Wardrobe) to the congregation. It is an amazing story. I plan on seeing the movie with family after Christmas - The Witch is of course evil & today he went over ways Christ destroys Satans works:
1 - Truth over Lies.
I can relate this to exposure when ending an A. A's are born of Satan. Sin promises more than it can deliver and presents itself as something is is not.(An A lives in a fantasy world)

2 - Fulfillment over Greed.
God offers himself up to meet our unsatisfed needs. The problem is not with desires/needs(sex, recreation, etc) but WHERE we go to get those needs met.

Those were the two that I felt really hit home with me...

Question: DS wanted to put WH's stocking up. I am not planning on filling it since he does not live here. My explanation to DS will be that "Santa knows Daddy is not living here right now so he didn't put anything in his stocking."
I shouldn't fill it right? If I get a NC letter, I do plan on letting WH stop by here for Christmas morning. Then I will put something in it....

Kim

Kim - If it is important for your son to fill the stocking, I say do it. Even though you are in Plan B, I think it is acceptable. Your son is too young to be able to do it.

I would ask your son if he wants to make a card for dad. I raised my kids alone for the first 10 years, and this is something they really enjoyed, since they couldn't get me anything for Christmas. And I still have all of their cards.

Believer - I will think about it....I do believe in DS' heart he is expecting it to be filled......

DS is great at making cards - I remember last Valentine's Day we both hand made one for WH. I keep my cards too!!

Kim

Hi Kim,

Here for support.... Remember, WS 'words' don't count... actions do!

I just don't want you to be hurt more than you already have. You deserve better!

HUGS.

Hi Luna!! and thank you for caring!! I am patiently(for now) waiting for action. I think he is just beginning to realize that OW was a longshot fantasy. He wanted her more than she wanted him.

I am not going to let my guard down and be open to getting hurt by WH. NC letter is a must.

I just got a phone call from Charlie.

He called to say WH would be a bit late bringing home DS. Then he wanted to know how I was doing. I told him I was doing great, actually. That I felt better than I had in a long while & that my self-confidence was better than it had ever been. We chatted for a bit & then he asked me how I was again. I said really, really good.

Conversation turned a bit...He wanted to know if I wanted WH back b/c I loved him or did I want him back b/c I didn't want to be Divorced. I said that I wanted him back b/c I loved WH.

He asked me a few more questions. I told him that my stance has not changed since day 1. That I believed in our M and that I felt stronger than ever regarding that. That we could work through this, but I couldn't do it alone. I wanted the M, but not like it was before. I wanted a better M & I knew that could happen.

He said that it has been a blessing for he and Sara that we have brought them into our problems. He said that they realized they needed to make a more conscious effort the continue breathing life into their M. He thanked me for allowing them to help us.

Then, he wanted to know IF WH came back if I could forgive him and trust him again. I told Charlie that the forgiveness part had already happened. A few Sundays ago, a little part of the service touched on forgiveness. I learned that I hadn't forgiven WH, but I needed to. I needed to forgive WH and let God deal with WH. I let it go into God's hands and forgave WH. I know that God will deal with it on his end.

As far as trust, I told Charlie that the trust would have to be earned again.

Charlie babbled a bit more and then offered up that he didn't know if there was any talk about him coming home???

I think Charlie might have been feeling me out a bit to see if I was "hostile" at all.....

Kim

WOW! God works in mysterious ways! I am so glad they were able to take something away from this. The experience would be lost on a lot of people who would think "it could never happen to me".

Pay no attention to this, you got the real story from Sarah. This is just a guy back peddling, wondering if he let too much info slip already! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm rootin' for ya Kim! You stay cool, he'll be putty in your hands soon. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I am staying very cool. Not letting my emotions fly one way or the other(especially during this time of the year).

I think that WH is worried about how I will behave if he comes home. He is not the victim here. He needs to realize he is going to need to put in 110% just like I am.

Kim

Keep up the good work, Kim.

Kim you are doing great. This is going to work for you, you guys will be back together before you know it. I wish you a Merry Xmas.

tdr

(((Kim)))

Just wanted to let you know I've been reading your thread. You are doing an AWESOME job!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Be VERY careful not to let WH come home...WH is getting uncomfortable....you only want your H to come home! WH can do a good imatation of H sometimes. Be sure its the real thing. It would be way too hard on you and DS if he comes home as WH and has to leave again.

Stay strong. You are in my prayers

Thank you all for your support!!

Luna - I will continue on strong!

tdr - keep your fingers crossed for me - Merry Christmas to you too!! I am thinking about you as well!

confused - I am so cautious. VERY. I do not in any form want the WH back.

Here how things are right now - Received a call this afternoon from Sara. WH is asking me out to dinner. Sara said they would watch DS. or WH could take me out to lunch.

Silence on my part b/c I couldn't believe that WH was moving on this. It was kind of hard, but I knew what I needed to say. I told Sara that I needed that NC letter. She said yeah, I know. But that WH and OW hadn't seen each other in 6 weeks.

I told Sara that I would love to see and to speak to WH, but I just couldn't do it w/out that letter. That I needed to know WH was sincere and what his intentions were. That I was not going to set myself up to get hurt again.

I said, "You guys talked about that letter. He knows he needs to write it, right?"

Sara said yep.

I never got a call back. WH is having a REAL hard time with writing that letter I suppose. Hey, I'm good with that. I can't wait and wait for that NC letter.

Led me to a thought of panic. I would not know how to act if I did get that letter. I would not know what to say or how to act on a date.

O.k., so not to get ahead of myself.....back to waiting.

So, Sara said she would let WH know. Wow. I hope this is just not the holidays getting to him. I can't believe he has asked me out on a date.

I think he is thinking that a NC letter is not needed since OW has blown HIM off. He is probably wonder what the point of it is. I sure do know the point though.

Kim

Kim,

Stick to your guns girl.... You get that letter or its nothing with him, he has to understand this is for you to protect yourself.He has to prove to you he means it and wants his family back for the right reasons.

Don't do like I did and fall for the line of bull. It will do nothing but hurt you again. You have stayed strong this long continue with it... I am so proud of you and how well you have done.

God Bless and Merry Christmas to you and DS.

Hurting

Thanks Hurting - Merry Christmas to you too! I promise you, I won't talk to him until I get that letter!!

Kim

Good Girl !!!!!!! I am praying for you that this is the turning point for your marriage.....

I wish you the best of luck ...

Kim, you are doing wonderful!! The letter should give you an indication of how sincere he really is about no contact. That is just the STARTING point. You will have to feel at ease about his sincerity towards his committment to your marriage. He will need to have a plan to repair the damage that includes counseling and opening up his life to you.

Please continue to hold out. If you settle for crumbs, you will simply lose your leverage. Get as much as can while you still have the control. He may think he is in a position to negotiate, strangely, so just stick to your guns and assure Sara that WS is in no position to negotiate.

You are doing GREAT!!

Hang in there Kim. It's almost Christmas, so don't let him rush you. Remember LM's thread about holiday reconciliation. You've made it this long. Don't get in a hurry.

The letter itself is not nearly as important as his attitude in general of being "willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage".

I'm not recommending the date, but sometimes spending some time with him can be a very good thermometer. If he is all squirmy and shows no action, you can pretty well see where he stands.

It is a chance to give him a fix ~ you ~ happy, cheerful, dressed to the hilt, smelling gooooood, irresistable YOU. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> A reminder of what he is missing.

But, if you would rather stay dark, that's ok too. Just something to consider.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Agree 200%!!

Believer - that holiday reconciliation thing is in the back of my head....

I would love to be able to allow WH to stop in Christmas morning ot see DS open his presents though....

ML & Susan - I know that there are so many steps and things to consider when moving into this next phase - and it scares me! The only thing I've known for the past couple of months is Plan B. Given, I have not really been in Plan B for long, but I have kind of gotten use to the consistency of it. Plan B really has been o.k. & good for me so I am willing to stay dark a while longer if need be.

As far as going on the date - I'd love to get myself all dolled up & looking great & show WH what he's been missing!! It sounds like Plan A material.....which I wasn't terribly good at. Maybe Shattered05 can give me some lessons!!!

I am worried that he might turn the "date" into a refinance talk, or that it is just a trick to get me out so he can burst my bubble. Ya know, it's that whole trust issue.

I'll think about it. But I already told Sara that I could not talk to or see WH until I had that NC letter. A NC letter would really help me in taking that step towards WH.

The church is having Christmas Eve services. Would love it if I could get a NC letter & have WH attend with DS and I.

Thanks for your posts!! I am going to need all the help I can get through this!!

Kim

Kim, there is something else here that concerns me greatly. If your H is NOT really ready and is doing this for other reasons, it will hurt you greatly to see him. You are experiencing the peace of Plan B right now. That goes away quickly if you go out with him and he starts in with the fogbabble and reveals that he doesn't give a damn about anything other than the refi.[or starts in with his blame shifting you for his affair] If that is the case, it will hurt you alot. That is why I am concerned that you take extraordinary caution here.

If you have any suspicions that he is not sincere, then don't see him. Or if you do see him and you realize he is not sincere, then tell him you do not want to see him until he is ready to sincerely commit to repairing the damage in your marriage and then LEAVE.

p.s. another thing he will have to do to repair the damage is become completely honest about the affair. He cannot continue to have secrets with the OW to which you are not privy. Before he comes back, you might want to also contact the OWH to bring each other up to speed and see if he believes contact has really ended.