Hmmmmm, I have to admit, I am suprised that you are suprised by my response. As you may know, I am extremely vocal about my opinion that Betrayed Spouses NOT have ANY TYPE OF SEX with an actively wayward spouse who has NOT been HIV and STD tested. There is no way that I would let a cheating wife back into my bed so that I can bathe in another man's seminal fluids and potentially expose myself to a emotionally or physically debilitating disease.

In this case, the Original Poster is HAVING SF with her ACTIVELY cheating husband (and every other man who the OW has slept with in the past) and..............

LOL...........I am very very dense tonight....here I was ready to type out a repsonse to you and then somehow I finally figured out through my thick skull that you were being totally facetious....LOL...nice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Melodylane,

I ask you because you were the one who gave me the courage to expose the affiar. I am formely duncad. I feel that exposing the affair was good. Now they no longer work together. However, here is an update for today. Last night he seemed to be stand offish towards me. While the problem in our marriage was that I did not show him enough affection, when I give him affection now he does not seem to want it. I was happy and all smiles and that seemed to bother him. However, when it came to sex, for the first time in 7 years, he was not able to perform. This worries me. I told him this and he said it has nothing to do with how much he loves me but that he has alot on his mind about his life and his job. Again he wanted to lay there and hold me. Then I called him this morning and he hung up without saying a Love you. He actually started doing this since he went out yesterday night. I think OW said something or did something yesterday night that I don't know about. Suppossedly OW goes to the doctors tomarrow to confirm the pregnancy. I think it is odd that she says she went last Friday and they had to reschedule her because of an OB emergency. Maybe that is when H plans to leave, and this pregnancy thing is an excuse. I don't know. What do you think. Also OW h does not know she is claiming to be pregnant.

M 26
H 28
married 7 yrs
DS 6 yrs old
D day 3 Sept 05
PLan A 21 Sept 05

ARE you saying you have never asked him about staying out all night...

but wastes time worrying about his non-use of the I LOVE YOU>..phoooooooooey mantra.........

I don't get it.....................

ARK

Ark,

Sorry I did not give exact detials. He stayed out till 11:30 pm. Which I know is far past his meeting time. He told me that there was an open bar at the meeting and he stayed after and had a few drinks. Maybe thats true, or maybe he just went to a bar afterward, but I am pretty sure she was there

DID YOU ASK HIM IF SHE WAS THERE??????????????????

Did you tell him how insecure that his staying out late right now with the issues going on makes you feel

did you tell him how each contact with her is like a knife in your heart....

does he say there is no contact

ARK

Did you notice that on your other thread I encouraged you to talk to him about YOUR feelings and to begin to FOCUS on YOURSELF?

You didn't respond to that post...

I agree with ARK....

I have been talking to him about my feelings. He will not agree to NC. He told me that we still have work to do. He said we had to wait to Friday to find out if she really is pregnant.

Mimi, I have been focusing on myself. Doing things for myself and my son and also changing. Is this what you mean by focus on yourself?

I did not ask him if she were there. I read some of your other posts Ark and now understand what you say about honesty and fear.

My fear is that he will be happy with her, that she will have a little girl like he always wanted, and that I will find no one else and will have to live with the guilt that I had him and pushed him away.

If she says she is pregnant, my fear is that she is lying or wasn't pregnant when she said she was but continued to try to get pregnant. I will ask to see the offical results but he probably will not give it to me. I do not want to deal with her for the rest of my life so if she is pregnant I think I am done with the marriage but if they won't show me offical results how will I know if its true?

I really apperciate everyones advice thus far, even though I may not follow it all, it is helpful.

H called me and said that OW went to the doctors today and it was a fallopian tube pregnancy so it had to be terminated. H is out at the bar, said he is blowing off some steam because this really upsets him. I am getting the impression he wanted her to have his child..

I wonder if OW was even pregnant in the frist place. Sounds like a pretty good story. First they reschedule her appt because there is an OB emergency and now she finally goes to the doctors to confirm the pregnancy and it turns out like this.

I am so depressed over that right now I don't know what to do.

I bumped up ARK'S POST ON PLAN A TIPS FOR YOU...

I'm sorry that you are going through this..

You belong here..most of us have "walked in your shoes"...

WSes and OW are LIARS...you can't believe what they are saying..

Don't believe he wanted her to have his child...don't believe that for a minute....

She is playing him....and you.

It is a manipulation to hook the MM. She is trying to get your WH...and is using guilt and a ruse of a pregnancy imho.

How can your WH "work" on your M if he is against going into NC with OW?

You're getting good advice here. Plan A and B are not for meek. but you can do it!

Please get a call to Harleys. Your WH needs help...will he talk to one of them? this could be a good start.

I just see this guy walking over you.....and you letting him...please read a and b...and be very very strong right now. Your marriage may depend on your bravery and strength...

Thank You MiMi for the bump! that is a great post.

H just called and said he was going to stay out with OW tonight because she was upset about what happened with the pregnancy. I told H I love and really want to save our marriage but I do not think this is acceptable. He said I am going to do it anyway and I will be home tomarrow. Any suggesstions on how to better set this boundary? I feel like telling him when he comes home get all his stuff and leave.

I don't have much time tonight...

I know how you feel..my FWH did the same thing, spending weekends with the FOW... but asking him to leave is exactly what he wants you to do..

If he leaves, let him do it on his own..

Continue to tell him how you FEEL about what he is doing, that you want to work on your marriage...

Eventually you will probably need to do PLAN B...

Only when YOU ARE READY!!!!

This might be the wrong advice, but I think you should ask the w/h to move out of the house, that you will not accept being disrespected like this. I would hand him a plan b letter and go dark. I would not live like that.

tryingtogetit.....

I am so sorry about the situation you find yourself in ... sadly you are not alone and your situation is not unique...that is why Harley suggest a way to recover your M give an A....he has seen it all(ok, a lot of it)....and he has found what is more likely to work...

This is what S. Harley sais about Plan A (on here)...he does not say it will be easy to carry out BUT he clearly states that Plan A and Plan B are the first step in marrital recovery AND they are all about establishing NC between WS and OW......it is a long process

**********************************************************
S.Harley:
Plan A and plan B. These two plans are used in the first stage of marital recovery to separate the unfaithful spouse from the lover. [this is were you are]

Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. [this is what you must do first, sure your WS may not agree, but Haley does not say to just kick him out...but do Plan A for at least 6 months! so keep negotiating!]

if the betrayed spouse approaches the wayward spouse with respect and thoughtfulness, the cruelty and self-indulgence of the affair is much easier for the wayward spouse to understand. [ but it will take time - hence the 6 months]

In these negotiations for total separation, the causes of the affair should be addressed. Since one of these causes is usually unfulfilled emotional needs, the betrayed spouse should express a willingness to meet those needs after the affair has ended. [here is where you need to figure out why he had the A: is it lack of your meeting EN or something else]

But plan A, an effort to end the affair with thoughtfulness and care, doesn't always work.


to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B. [ reasonable period of time....Harley suggest up to 6 month...so How long have you been in a true Plan A]

Pep also discusses plan A.....it basically says the same thing...

Here it is: Carrot and stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Plan A which is ~only~ a carrot or ~only~ a stick, is not a true Plan A


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Look, only you know what you can live with, but this plan has worked for people...it could work for you...

Plan A and B is to get the WS to stop contact....notice that Plan A can be up to 6 month and Plan B probably 6 months as well, so IF you want to use them to BEGIN to save your M, you are in for the long run....it is NOT EASY....

I am not dealing with an A, so I cannot tell you anything from experience, but I have been reading here a while and am dealing with similar issues (a lot of fog out there!)....

I can tell you that I truly wish I could go back in time and truly discuss without LBing all over the place with my H his need for a seperation....instead I LBed and now he is gone and I don't know if I'll get a second chance....I do understand when you are emotinal and are in pain due to the circumstance you find yourself in, you find it difficult not to react emotionally and so you do LB....So, try really try IF possible and follow these plans.....

Tell him how much the continued contact with OW hurts you....unfortunately as crazy as it sounds if you demand that he ends it, it will just feed his justification for it....so learn reverse babble (that is one way to handle the fog talk - so orchid has found)....

Don't ask your H to leave, I would not do it....just do the best you can, try to not LB.....and keep to the carrot and the stick of the plan...

Best,
Daisy

I am very very very concerned about the huge demonstrative gross disrespect your husband is willing to visit upon you...

I am very very very concerned about your response to him telling you he is going to spend the night with the OW and you replying...

but I do not think this is acceptable.

well it's not something that requires much thought...

how old is your son????

I think you need to make drastic measure and changes....
but I do think kicking him out plays RIGHT in to his hands.........

the caveat of any plan is you knowing when enough is enough and what you will not tolerate one more second.....

Would you ever leave him??
If you kicked him out where would he go?

If I were you I would NOT be able to be home when he comes home tomorrow...
I would either be gone allllllllllll day and back late at night...with NO explanation or contact....

OR

I would be gone all night to a friends family but most likely some luverly hotel..........where he would never find me....

I would come home smiling and humming...
and say.

oh you're here...
interesting...

then I would not speak to him at all...........

just leave him stewing and guessing.........
pleasant the whole time...
but make it appear like you have big big unknown plans in mind....

leave phone books out..with pages to lawyers open...but say NOTHING

print out some info on vacations..........
but say nothing about it......

start carrying YOUR cell phone at all times with you.......
don't let him have it see...

get in the shower then come out before showering and run and grab your cell phone........

be kind
be pleasant
ask and say NOTHING>..

could you do this...

the thing is if your kick him out it will play right in to his hands.......

but again you can only do this if you are strong strong strong.....

get dressed up and go go go...

go out at night in the evening when he is home....

when questioned...

oh darling I just ran out to the book store..

you need to baffle him with actions....

here it is in a nutshell...

is this just frivolous game playing...

on one hand it is...........
and I detest that.....

but you don't have his attention because he is secure in your willingness to do anything...
and
if you react by kicking him out.......
it plays in to his hands.........

so why not baffle the [email]he@@[/email] out of him............
and get his attention

detach....

ask him NOTHING
tell him NOTHING
but talk to him about how was your day darling....


your husband is acting like one huge creep right now...
If I were you.........I would have to play a little with that sort of creature..................

change his respone to the OW when she asks about wifey..
become mysterious

so that instead of him and her being able to say oh wifey is just pining and waiting and doesnt get it...
the answer becomes...

I'm not SURE what wifey is up to......
could you do this honestly could you

ARK

Having lived through similar (3x times), my best advice is to have his stuff packed so that when he returns he can take it and leave. Where will he go? To OWs of course.

Don't be hurt or surprised. He already stinks. It is better he not get any OW cooties in your home any more.

U need healing time and time to disinfect your home from the A stench. Another reason for him t/b out.

JMHO,
L.

Finally, a real response! I am constantly amazed at the things I read on here. He brazenly cheats on you, gets OW preggo, grieves for the loss(allegedly) then comforts her all night afterwards...and you want to save this marriage...amazing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Ok Hanzo, what's your story?

L.

((((trying)))))

This situation has poisoned your brain! Please, get to safe ground away from this blatant evil.

You did NOTHING to make him have an A. You did NOT push him away. He could have talked to you about his unhappiness. He could have started working on himself and considering what he could do to be a better person....and thereby creating personal happiness. He could have asked you to meet his needs, expressed his needs. HE could have signed up for counseling.

He owns this sick behavior TOTALLY by himself. HE is the one that has let YOU down. HE has broken HIS vows. HE has abandonned his son and wife....and self-respect.

The OW is not better than you in any way shape or form. He is not attracted to her. He is attracted to HIMSELF and how he thinks he appears in her eyes. They are NOT in love with each other, but with their own self-image reflected in a fantasy by the other person.

There is NO WAY they could be happy in the real and healthy sense of the term.

Please, stop thinking like this!

ark has some very good points...as does orchid. I'd personally do a little of both.

I would do ark's suggestion...the cell phone thing. and the leaving at night for a short while...leave phone book out to lawyers.

and then say after another week or two of doing that and a perfect plan a...

I would have his bags packed and toss him out!