Any advice please?

I am not sure how to respond without creating a love buster. He said he was at a work meeting but that was suppossed to be over at 7:30. He does not answer his phone when I call him. Its likely that he has went out with her.

How do I respond when he gets home without creating a LB?

M 26
H 28
married 7 yrs
DS 6 yrs old
D day 3 Sept 05
Plan A 21 Sept 05

Trying -

I would not accuse him of being with OW unless you have proof. Just assume he is always in contact with her until he proves otherwise.

Does he work with OW? I can't remember from your other post.

Kim

Yes but her last day is tomarrow. A weird thing just happend the OW just called me on my cell phone but when I answered she it seemed there was a bad connection, tried to call her back and got a bad connection.

What!!! Have you talked to her before & she has your number? Why would she be calling you???

I remember now that your WH was supposed to fire OW, right?

I remember that I could just look at WH & know he was with OW. It was a gut feeling. Wait and see what your gut tells you. You can tell him "It hurts me to know you are still in contact and seeing OW." and see what he says. Just look at him, let there be silence, let him respond.

Kim

Kim,

Did your H leave on his own for the OW or did you make him leave? I think My H is thinking of leaving. He came home last night and hugged me really tight, no kisses, then when I talked to him this morning he sounded down, so I said "whats wrong" he said you know. This is the kind of stuff that happened the last time he tried to leave.

Not sure what to do

What do I do if he decides to leave?

How do I continue plan A if he decides to leave?

Stay in your Plan A. If he decides to leave, tell him calmly (no tears, begging) that you love him, but can't keep him against his will.

You can still Plan A if he leaves, so don't worry about that right now.

Have you exposed the affair to all that could help end it?

Yes I have exposed the affair to all that could help. I could reexpose it to the neighbors/his friends. They have seen us socially together happy alot lately and he even told them that things are going well with us.

They really didn't help the last time, they seemed to be ok with it so I don't know if it would help if I exposed it to them.

Not that this is any help at all but I find myself in a very similar situation quite often. It's amazing at how dumb a WS thinks we are. My wife has made the statement that she is no longer seeing him but I know that is not the case. Intuitively, I know exactly when she sees him based on her mood, mannerisms, where she goes and how long it takes. I have a number of good "sources" that I use to confirm my suspicions. However, sometimes information and intuition aren't condusive to a continued Plan A. If you know that contact has been made/continued but the spouse maintains that it's not and you aren't in a position to reveal your sources then you have a problem. The first risk that too much information can generate is the development of negativity that challenges your ability to maintain a good Plan A. The other risk is that if you do accuse them of something without clear proof then I believe that in the WS mind it will be perceived as a huge love buster. I would never enter into a discussion with my WS based solely on intuition, suspicion or things not adding up. My experience seems to me that the only way to confront a WS is to be able to back it up with real proof and even then it won't be smooth.

One month after dday, staying out all night and not calling??

You respond with a Plan B letter and his bags on the porch!

It's not an LB to say that you will no longer be disrespected in such a manner, and I dont care where he was or who he was with!

- Dru

Drucilla,

Do you think I should go to plan B? Now he is trying to acuse me talking to other people when I am not. Also if she truely is pregnant I don't want to be with him, but we have not seen offical proof that she's pregnant, I think its a lie.

Trying:

I'm not questioning the value of Drucilla's opinion.

I think all of us need to work together on this.

But Trying, you are going from thread to thread asking and telling different things.

That's confusing and may not get you the help that you need...

I continue to strongly ENCOURAGE YOU TO FOCUS ON YOURSELF AND NOT WHAT YOUR WH IS DOING....

Drucilla can tell you what the fog is...

He is liable to do ANYTHING to justify continuing his A...

You cannot stop him....

YOu know Dru...I can tell you that you are going to potentially get hammered giving this advice.....for myself I would agree with you....but this is not MB approved advice per se, a fact I fully admit. Although this is by no means funny, after having read your advice, I just kind of laughed...as it is what I would say...again, fully disclaiming that I am a simpleton when it comes to the principles and am not the one to be strategizing wooing a WH back to the marriage....I however do NOT think it is against Marriage Builders principles to state your boundaries and be ready, willing and able to enforce them (now we have debated ad nauseum what "willing" and "ready" and "enforcing" mean. For some here, "enforcing" boundaries means stating that the continued cheating is hurting you, but ofocurse letting the behavior continue (i.e NOT doing a Plan B or Divorce, or separation, or whatever)and continuing trying to meet the cheaters needs, while YES, they continue to cheat....It is indeed a tough pill to swallow....but no doubt there is a method to the madness...I hope for you<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Some people will no doubt have a different "spin" on this. That is ok.

To the original poster, keep ALL of your posts on one thread, and expect differing views and advice...pick the advice that you feel best fits in with what YOU WANT and ENVISION for your future with your WH....Not all advice is "good" or "bad"...take what is helpful, and chuck the rest....even mine...it is all good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi Lem,

Honored as I am by your chuckle (as I am a secret fan), isnt it Plan B that you lay on the cake-eater, after a bout with Plan A? I had though I had applied MB principles appropiately, now you have me worried <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />. Admittedly, I did the worlds shortest Plan A, but my Plan B was intense and precise and worked perfectly (no A in my marriage... SA stuff).

A WS openly staying out all night with OW (which has not been confirmed Trying) would SURELY drain a LBank at an alarming rate. If Plan B werent applicable at this point, it's coming soon, wouldnt you say? It'd be my last straw. You certainly dont welcome then back to the marital home/bed. But you are right, now that I think about it, some would give Plan A a continued run, even after this.

Trying, it's up to you, of course.

What did he say when he got home?

- Dru

Dru:

For the record, there is NO WAY IN HE** I would ever let a actively cheating WS back into my bed like this situation. And I understand there is a possibility of pregnancy also in this case.....Well, many would still champion PLan A at this point...or PLan B.....I don't know the answer, because what this Betrayed Spouse is experiencing is so f-ing far out of the realm of what I would accept that I can't answer with any objective advice that will help her with her goal of getting her WH back. I can't do it, so in essence what I think is essentially moot here.

Lem

REALLY? That's not what I thought you'd say AT ALL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> I had you all wrong <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Dru,
Just a quick question: How do you use Plan B with no A? Is it not suppose to work to have the OP meet all their needs, etc? And is MB not suppose to work on addictions and depression? I'd like to hear your thoughts on this, dealing with similar issue.

Thanks.

Daisy

Trying...

How are you doing?
Did you two agree on NC by WS during the plan A? Is it not part of plan A when NC is established (or agreed upon) for the WS to agree to "open" their life to you...i.e. disclose all he is doing, show you his phone bill, are you not suppose to know his every move to Re-establish trust?

If he broke that, would not plan B be called for?

Hang in there...
Daisy

Hi Daisy,

Well, my H's issues werent with me. He didnt have a specific OP, he had the internet. I didnt really need to do a Plan A because I was a pretty great W. H agrees. These were HIS problems.

Plan B does play into working on people with addictions. "It hurts me too much to be with you while you are using ___. To protect my love for you, I must remove myself from this situation. Contact me only when you can agree to NC with _____. If you do, please have a plan for recovery and regaining trust."

Puts the ball clearly in their court, removes you from the drama. I also explained that I planned exposure, letting his mother know about the situation, should we D. He'd DIE before disappointing his mother in such a way. He HAD integrity, he'd just lost it for a while. Given VERY CLEAR Black & White choices, he snapped quickly to his senses.

I admit my situation is odd, but my marriage is thriving. He really is a great guy. When it counted, he stepped up to the plate - Dru

Trying, this is a boundary being violated. You have to define the boundary and then tell him you won't have him violate it. Add "honey" and avoid saying it in anger, and you're golden.

GC

thanks Dru!
Hey, would you might chatting with me on my thread...give me your thoughts whether Plan B is really something I could use....I am dealing with depression and than some 'believes'...
Thanks.


Sorry, trying....I'll stop the thread jacking now... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Daisy