I'm just advocating following the Harley PLANS as recommended...

AN EFFECTIVE PLAN A then PLAN B...

IMHO, Trying's WS is no different than mine was...

I do not feel that hers is a special case....

THIS IS A TRAGEDY IN ALL ITS SHAPES AND FORMS....

THE SAME RULES APPLY....

mimi, but you were being coached by Harley weren't you? Isn't that what helped you stay centered?

Harley stressed to me over and over though to see my WH's AWFUL BEHAVIOR as being due to his addiction....

See my edit to my previous post...

I had my phone consultation with Harley and really thought it was great. I am not sure how this will fit in with what Harley would say but I think it is another caveat to the whole Plan A/Plan B thing.

Plan A calls for providing a home where he would want to be. The only way this is to be successful of course if he agrees to go NC. But that is not my point. My point is that another reason to move on from A to B is for your own sake. I think ahuman said something about it before. If you feel yourself slipping; i.e. feeling bad about yourself whether physically or emotionally, health suffering again physicallly or emotionally, or suffering however, then you need to seriously consider moving on to Plan B. I agree with Harley that before you do it you need to make sure his last image is a caring, open household that will welcome him back. But it sounds to me that this is taking it's toll on you and I am worried about that. My wife said that when she went to her pseudo-Plan B, her blood pressure went down and she started feeling better about herself as a person. I think it made her more attractive to me as well.

I asked some questions about timeframe in an earlier post. Would still be interested in hearing the answer to those.

I do think you need to be getting out and letting him watch the son or getting a sitter. If he thinks you are sitting around waiting for his next move and all he needs is to figure out what to say to keep you hanging around, that is easy for me. If he was anything like me, he knows what to "say" to keep you around. You should let him know that you are a "fun" person and that people like being around you. Go out with friends. Let him know what a good time you are having when you go out. That will also make you more attractive. Just don't invite him.

I need to run but I will check back for the answers in a little while.

I am not sure where you stand or he stands as far as praying goes. Do you/did you go to church? If there is ever a time for prayer, it is right now.

Thinking about you,
SNT

Just to clarify...my post was not trying to debate about addiction or degrees of evilness in this WS....my only point was that this situation calls for Harley...not because of the WS behavior...but for the BSs well being.

I really see the sense in those recent threads about advice vs. support on these boards. I don't know how anyone could stay centered and stay in this kind of blatant abuse without the help of a professional--specialized to address it.

If she is not ready to do a Plan B....I REALLY hope she calls Harley.

Thank you everyone for your help. It is because of you guys that I have been able to deal with with this situation at all without losing it. MiMi,Ark,Kim, and SNT thank you so much for keeping up with/checking in with me and my situation.

Good news I have an apt with steve tomarrow morning

SNT I have been in plan A for 2 mos which is when I discovered the affair.

Here are todays events

This morning H called me and asked me about the pictures I took out of his truck of him and OW. He asked me if I took anything out of his truck and I said no. Then he said why are you lying to me and I said:

"It really hurts me, I was going to confront you later in person"

H said
"what are you going to burn them in a fire?"

I said
" No it really hurts me, like someone is digging my insides out

H said "What do you want me to do?"
I said " I am not telling you to do anything, I am just saying it hurts"
H said "what will make it better?"
I said "if I get you back"
H said "you have me back"
I said "but I don't want to share you"
H said "you don't have to share me"
H said "when OW is completely out of the picture are you going to keep trying?"
I said "Yes, I am changing for myself not only us"

No, when he asked you waht you wanted him to do, you should have told him then EXACTLY what you want him to do.

End ALL contact of any kind ever again with OW. PERIOD. Send an NC letter with you copied on it...change his numbers, his passwords.

Give you complete and total access to EVERYTHING. Email, phone, etc...

Start MC immediately.

Start doing HIS part in fixing the HE!! he's made your marriage into, instead of expecting you to do all the work.

Next time he asks what you want him to do...let him know clearly and exactly WHAT he's going to have to do to save your love for him. PERIOD

After our phone conversation this morning He text messsage me

" I love you and will never leave"

(I know these are just words right now)

Then he met me for lunch and told me he was going to try to get out of his meeting this afternoon.

I think I will feel better after I talk Dr Hanley

Trying;

Ask him what his PLAN is for getting rid of the OW? Translated into: What are your actions to back up your words? Cellphone numbers can be changed TODAY...

Let him know that you will be more than happy to work on him as a TEAM with this PLAN..

I suspect Steve will ask you what HIS PLAN is..what YOUR PLAN is and THE PLAN for the marriage....

If things have not changed, he thinks in terms of PLANS....

Hang in there and take care...

This is a LONG PROCESS for which TIME AND PATIENCE are ESSENTIAL..

IMO his plan is to continue to cake eat

My plan is to continue with plan A or go to plan B based on what Dr Harley says

In one way I see how staying in plan A could help in the sense of showing him the changes I am making are long term

However I am starting to lose my motivation to make changes to meet his EN. Do you think I should not be snooping finding out all the things that I have? Because it is since I saw the emails and the pictures that I do not even want to be around him and its hard to meet is ENs(attention,affection) when I am feeling this way.

Well he said he was not able to cancel his meeting for tonight AKA I will be going out with OW tonight

Please let us hear what you learn in your session...

Blessings to you...

Take Good Care of yourself....

Well, how did it go? What's the latest?

Great idea to ask him what his plan is! I am sure Harley used that word a lot. He is in to the whole plan thing which I agree with 100%. If he says he will never leave, ask him if that means he is leaving OW. If he says yes, then that is a great opportunity for him to lay out his plan. The ONLY plan that works is complete cold turkey. Send the letter of NC, change cell number, move if you have to, etc...

I have just been thinking about you and your H. If he knows that you are using this site, tell him another WH knows exactly what he feels right now. I thought NC was an impossibility and that I would be SO unhappy with my W afterwards. You know what? I was 180 degrees wrong. The sex, the attention, the fantasy life...was just that...a fantasy. I saw that as soon as I went NC. You can tell him I said that.

Praying for you and your husband,
SNT

Terrific news that you are speaking to Harley!

Best of courage to you.

Just got off the phone with Harley, really glad I talked to him. What he suggested is that I tell my H that we need a plan to get our marriage back on track. That I try to get my H to agree to get some type of help like MC.

I am going to try to get H to look at the website and read the basic principals and see if he will call Harley.

If H will not agree to read the basic principals or get some type of help, Harley's suggestion was that I should then start writing my plan B letter.

Did Steve let you know what it meant to 'get a plan'? By that I mean the part of the plan u r responsible for vs your H? Why? Because a WS should not be in your plan. Your plan is to allow your H home NOT the WS.

In reality, the bigger part of any recovery plan is for the WS to shed his WS skin (lifestyle), title and put on his H skin (lifestyle), title and wooo back you as his W.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid:

Steve gave me that recommendation, too.

What he wants Trying to do is to encourage her WH to work with HER as a TEAM to develop a PLAN to end the A...

This is a PLAN A Strategy in which she is making it clear that she wants to work with him on the marriage...

Mimi,

I agree with that kind of plan. The problem is when that type of advice is given, the BS takes more of the work for the recovery part on their shoulders, leaves virtually nothing for the Xws t/d and starts that vicious cycle of neglect again.

So I am curious what type of plan Steve has in mind.

L.

The BS and WS WORKING TOGETHER as a TEAM...writing the NC LETTER together..POJAing on EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS, etc.

Its been awhile since I have checked it. H and I have been getting along so well. He is being affectionate and telling me he loves me. We had a great weekend. Hung out with friends and danced all night! Not only that but I now know I have the support of all our family and friends! Since I have been making changes with myself I feel so good! I think my self esteem is going up instead of coming down! Thank you to everyone here for all your help!!! I probably would have went crazy without your help!!

With that aside H is still seeing OW. He has told all of our family and friends that she is moving to Panama, but I don't believe it because she keeps sending him emails telling him how much she loves him and he is home at night but she is not working so he is stopping by her house during the day. H asked me today about the home equity loan we were going to take out before the A. He said "do you think I am going to do this and leave?" I said we need to see how things go.. He got mad and hung up. This is one boundary I won't cross, I won't put my finacial security at risk. I know that OWH served her with separation papers and they are selling their house.

I was not able to get H an appointment with Dr Harley till Nov 29th. So I have to hang in there till then. If H calls Dr Harley then I will continue with plan A. If H does not call Dr Harley and continues to see OW I am going to go to plan B. I am going to start working on my plan B letter now.

Great, Trying...

I LIKE YOUR PLAN...