I have had a day of depression. Has anyone ever been on the way to recovery, things are going great, and then the reality of what has happened in your life comes crashing down on your head, drowning in a sea of emotions, remembering the fact that the person who swore they were going to love you forever, did the unspeakable. They had an affair and broke your heart. And just when you allow yourself to feel normal and forget about your pain, the memories come back, and you start feeling the pain of the realization that your wandering spouse loves someone other than you.
I find myself driving down the road thinking these thoughts with tears running down my face. The thought of my husband loving someone other than me just makes my heart break. The fear that he might never learn to love me again, and all this pain I am still experiencing will be all for nothing. I don't want to go back to a loveless marriage. I want my husband to cherish me and be thankful for everyday we have together. Patience is not my strong attribute. I have been Plan A ing like crazy. I have exposed, the affair has ended, and now comes the hard part of reaching out to my husband, hoping he will find his love for me once more, and scared that he will and scared that he won't. Does that make sense??
I am scared that he won't fall in love with me and we will divorce. I am also scared that he will fall in love with me and will not be able to break his love killing habit of being extra critical of all that I say, do or look like.
I guess I am just plain tired of being sad, scared and not knowing how our story is going to unfold and eventually end.

I certainly understand how you are feeling. Par for the course. Part of your healing. I went through that also. Your body is finally able to begin to relax but the had you sooo tensed up, that you will experience anxiety, anger, frustration and other emotional lows. Please read the link in my sig line about the 5 stages of grieving.

Doubt and mistrust are enemies of a M but friends of the A.

What is your H doing to reassure you of his commitment to you and the M? Next question, is if he is doing enough, what r u doing for closure and how can help?

L.

kdh everyone BS who cares feels the same way. Sadness and fear can overwhelm us.

But soon, HAPPINESS will occasionally overwhelm us too !. I recall VERY strongly a time last October - a Sunny autumn day I was driving to work in my newly repaired sportscar, roof off feeling the sun and breeze on my face. Neil Young on the CD player. Squid had kissed me before I went to work and told me she loved me. Om had begged his GF to ask me not to destroy him as I threatned. I had done hard things bravely and was proud.

I praised God his creation that day.

IME a BS becomes accustomed to the ways of the rollercoaster, and however profound the feelings may be at time we learn from experience that they pass. It is the general mood of your life that is most important and the water level of happiness will rise slowly as you do the right things.

Despite many ups and many downs thes epast 15 months as I have invested goodness and rightness in my marrige the mood of my life has lifted.
I have a near constant ache at what was lost but it no longer impedes from living, loving and laughing. I have a near constant ache where I smashed my leg in a motorcycle acident as a kid too, but It has never stopped me playing sports or doing anything I wanted to.

Have faith KDH. And do the right thing overcoming your fear.

all blessings

My husband seems to know when he needs to give me an explanation of where he has to work and when, especially if it is not his normal working hours, like in the cases of clearances. I must read like a book when I am uncomfortable with something that he is doing. He usually explains it or cancels it to be with me, even though I have not asked him to.

My husband has not made a committment to our marriage other than to say he would stay long enough to see if he falls back in love with me and will be faithful to our vows.

He is kinder and more intune to my feelings, we have been talking about the future together, retirement, places to live, etc. I have to say, my husband has always been one to be slow in committing to things, but once committed, can be counted on to complete whatever task is at hand.


As far as closure, I really don't know what to do. We are having more normal days, as time goes on, we can laugh and have conversations that are not as stilted as they were a few weeks ago.

No, my xwh is not doing enough for closure. We both still need to fill out our en lists as well as the other lists, I still need to learn how to voice my concerns with him, face to face. Right now, the only way I can address my concerns with him is through pencil and paper. Otherwise, I get sidetracked or shut down by his supersensitivity to things I say, and are misinterrepted as LBs. He also has not learned to voice his concerns, which we all know leads to more conflicts. He still has the issue of having a problem doing recreational things with me that doesn't include visiting his mother or taking a ride with him.
I find myself feeling jumpy, and totally insecure when going places with him. For example, we went to Home Depot for home improvement items, I am trying to keep up with him and feel like such a klutz, tripping over my feet and totally self-conscience. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

He has also returned to his pre EA behavior in critisizing the way I look, walk, stand, talk, look, etc...........
I know this is mental abuse. This is a habit that is deeply ingrained into my husband. He did this also with all the people that he loves, expecting perfection out of them and trying to help them achieve this by offering unwanted or unasked pointers, which I interept as shortcomings of my character.
It's like someone suddenly took the blinders off him.
He has noted the following things about me recently.
My face has more wrinkles, my arms are more flabby now (I have lost considerable weight in the past four months), I look fatter when standing with my arms behind my back, etc. etc. Believe it or not, he stopped critisizing me when he started his EA. I didn't know why he had stopped trying to improve my appearance or mannerisms, I just thought, wow, this is so nice. Little did I know he had stopped because he had already withdrawn from me and our marriage.
That is why it is almost a relief that he has started caring enough to critisize me, (if that isn't the screwiest thought)although the remarks cut like a razor, because I already feel not good enough, and less than loved, because of the o/w's youthful appearance, beautiful long brown wavy hair, huge, expressive brown eyes and her warm open personality that is outgoing and fun.
I do not measure up in looks, or personality, although I do have integrity and strong moral character.

What would help me would be for my husband to start talking about what bothers him instead of holding it inside to fester, and bubble up in anger at a later date.

Also, he could help me by expressing his appreciation for all the things I have changed and done for him in the last few months. He could acknowledge his greatfullness that I am willing to give our marriage another try, and for the care and sacrafice I am will to make to help both him and his mother. He could ask me out to dinner or to go see a movie, anything.
He could reassure me that I am enough, being just me the way I am.
He could reassure me that he wants to be with me, not her.

Right now, I feel that he does not like what I look like or who I am.
I also think that if she had wanted him, and had left her husband, he would have left me and our home and never looked back.

Thanks Bobpure, I experience everything nowadays with heightened feelings of joy, laughter, sadness, and dispair. It is just so hard not knowing the ending to this sad book of mine called life.
I have so much work ahead. I have just only begun to make repairs to our marriage and the needed self-improvement changes that are needed to have a more balanced marriage.

Do you think daily about Squid's A when driving to work and back, like I do about my xwh's EA?

It is so hard when those doubts about our marriage succeeding keep popping up.
I now analyze everything, and I do mean everything that my husband says, does or implies. I know it upsets him when it looks like I am checking up on him, but he does know it is something I have to do to help me feel secure.

Thanks again, Bobpure, I appreciate so much your and Orchid's words of wisdom.

I believe that the things that hurt us eventually will be forgotten. A prime example is that of pregnancy and childbirth. Right after our first child was born I talked to my wife about it. As with many, she explained how difficult her pregnancy had been, how painful childbirth was and how she didn't want to go through it again. A few months later when we were talking about it again, her attitude was less strong and childbirth and pregnancy wasn't that bad now. Finally, she had forgotten all the details and we were looking forward to having our second child together. Eventually, the good wins and the bad takes a backseat. I believe it's natures way...thankfully.

Dear Slash,
I hope what you say is true. It would be nice to know that in future years I won't be thinking of my husband EA every day.

Call Steve @ MB. Get a plan going for you and your Xws.

L.

Bump.

L.

I know Orchid,
I do need to call Steve for a counseling appt. I will try to arrange that when I can talk freely, without xws around.
Thanks for the encouragement.