Hello, everyone.

I've been lurking here for the past week and a half and have found the posts here very helpful. Seeing the variety of situations people are in and the many strategies for coping have been a big help. I think it's time I share my story and what's going on with my wife and I.

A week ago last Friday, the 14th, my wife told me that she wants a divorce. I've been traveling a lot for work and had just returned from a trip the night before. When I asked her why, she said that she doesn't love me any more and doesn't think she ever can again. We've had some rough spots in our 11 year marriage (no kids), and honestly, I don't think we've ever really addressed them fully. I've had a rough time with my parent's recent divorce. My father has always been psychologically abusive to my family, but in such subtle ways that we all needed his approval and respect even though he never gave it. After getting laid off after 9/11, I found myself working for him (we're in the custom computer software business) right as he was divorcing my mom. He had had multiple PAs and gave my mom 2 STDs, spent their life savings on stippers and hookers and generally destroyed their life together. My wife, understandably, hates my father, as do I, however how that we work together, he's finally showing me the kind of approval that I've always craved. Naturally, I've been torn and it's been eating me up inside. I love my job, but hate him, but he keeps sucking me back in with his long-overdue approval of me. Anyhow, this has really distracted me from dealing with issues in our marriage. Many of which can be traced back to the emotional detachment I've had as a result of the example my parents set in dealing with emotions. She is not without responsibility in the state of our marriage, but I've come to terms with the fact that I really could have done something long ago.

My W believes that any attempts at change on my part are futile, brief attempts to win her back. I've been trying to deal, unsucessfully and really half-heartedly, with these demons for some time, and she has not been there to support me and hasn't wished to talk about these things with me. The few times we have, she's been very critical of little things (forgetting to feed our fish, etc) and hasn't wanted to approach the larger issues. She has been dealing with depression and hormonal problems for a while and has never reached real resolution on them. She was on anti-depressants (Effexor XR) for about 6 months, but came off them about 2 months ago, telling me that it was so that she could get them out of her system and we could begin trying to conceive a child. We've discussed starting a family quite a bit over the last couple of years, always in a positive light.

Now this... She says she doesn't and can't love me. She agreed not to do anything we can't un-do, like sell the house or divorce, until we've both had a chance to go to individual counceling. She will not do anything as a couple as far as counceling goes. I've been unable to determine if this is because she thinks it's a crock or because she thinks there's nothing left worth saving in our marriage. Five years ago, we had a crisis in our marriage and sought marriage counceling. My heart wasn't really in it, I was not prepared to change. I approached it like I would fixing a computer, quickly getting in and out and 'bam!', fixed. I see that now, and know that I've got to fully deal with my own problems if I ever want to have a real relationship with anyone, not just her. I've let friendships fall apart without really trying and distanced myself from my family as a form of emotional insulation. I know I cannot do this anymore and am seeking professional help.

I know my W has some issues she needs to deal with as well. The depression and self-image issues, the horomone problems, etc. I think coming off the Effexor, combined with my being out of town so much (which I've put a stop to, my company is being very understanding, and it was needed for other reasons anyhow), and her sense that she needs to change things in her life has led her to this decision. She's beginning to be be more health-conscious, she's taking up the guitar, she's looking at a promotion at work that would provide her with enough income to support herself. All of this I think are contributing factors, but she won't let me in to her thought process, this is all conjecture and guess-work on my part.

I know I havn't been there to help her through her issues, both physically, with my travling, as well as emotionally. I've been too wrapped up in my own self-pity about my relationship with my parents, my social anxiety, and the emotional state of our marriage lately to pay attention to the emotional needs of those around me, and I didn't feel that I was getting the emotional support I needed, but I didn't know how to express that. I'm in indivudlal conceling, now, had my second meeting yesterday and the guy I'm seeing is pretty good. My W is having her second individual session today. Her friends and family all believe she's making a mistake and have been putting a great deal of pressure on her (or at least she perceives it as pressure) to try to make it work with us. I'm afraid that she may just try to seek validation of her decision from the councelor, rather than get to the root of any underlying issue she may have.

I've been emotionally distant for some time and I realize that my father is a big part of that. My action plan for the time being is to:

1. Try to re-connect with my sister. We've grown apart and I've been harboring a lot of guilt about that for a while.
2. Get out of this work situation. I've been looking for a new job and I need to get away from my father.
3. Try to be supportive of my W without 'dumping' my problems on her. Listen if she talks, talk if she seems receptive, try not to get too upset, etc.

She met with a lawyer yesterday to 'understand the process and see what I can do to protect myself'. The lawyer told her how expensive it is to draw up the papers and file and now she's feeling even more trapped. Especially since I told her earlier that I don't want this and she's going to have to begin each step. I'll cooperate, but this is her process to drive. We're still living in the same house, though I've moved into the spare bedroom. We both spend a great deal of time at home and don't seem to be avoiding each other. She says she doesn't want us not to be friends, that we've shared too much to hate each other, but it's really painful to be near her and know that to her, now, we're just roommates. She seems somewhat conflicted. Sunday night after I completely lost it and cried for an hour or two in the spare bedroom, when I came out to get a glass of water whe gave me a hug and said that she didn't mean for me to hurt like this. I told her that it did hurt, like nothing I've ever experienced. Then other times, she's super-happy, singing to the dogs, bouncing around the house and cracking jokes. How can it be so easy for her to just throw me away!

What's really bugging, me though, is that she hasn't given me any real reason for her decision. I know there have been problems with our relationship for a while, but I've felt closer to her the last 4-5 months than we have for a while. I though we were making progress. Just 2 months ago we were talking about children. We've taken two mini-vacations lately that were a lot of fun and I felt we were beginning to re-connect. What am I missing? I wish she would tell me what's going on in her head!!

Does anyone have any ideas on how I can get more information from her on how she came to believe that there is no hope for us? Just two weeks before she dropped this on me, we were still talking about children and holding hands and telling each other we loved one another. I have to know, I feel I have a right to know what changed so fast!

Thanks in advance for any help you can provide.

-loach

[color:"blue"]Stay in individual counseling (IC). Work on your anxiety/anger/control/abandonment issues. Tell your wife that you resolve to work on your problems and show her consistent effort. Ask her to update you weekly on any progress you've made. Don't pressure her for anything and clear all the resentments away - past and present.

Post on the general questions or just found out board to see if some of the actions you've witnessed are indicative that your wife is having an affair.

V. [/color]

Reasons why, directly from your words:
1) I've been traveling a lot for work
2) My father has always been psychologically abusive to my family,
3) I've been emotionally distant for some time
4) my social anxiety
5) Five years ago, we had a crisis in our marriage and sought marriage counceling. My heart wasn't really in it, I was not prepared to change.

So physically you aren't there, emotionally you aren't there, you can't get away from your toxic father, and when you were supposed to work on your issues the last time you didn't.

Ask yourself, why are you married? What are you giving to the relationship?

Wow. Ouch, wannabothim. You're right of course. But I've been making real progress over the last few months, though not attacking issues as agressively as I should have. I should have sought IC much earlier, but didn't. Too little too late, I guess.

Thanks, sunnyva39, sounds like a good idea. Keep working on myself and be there for her without any pressure.

Regarding the possibility of an affair, she does have a male friend that she's been very close to since before we met. He and I are also good friends. He has a steady girlfriend and is a very moral person, I have no doubt that there is no PA going on, though he does fill some emotional void that I've created and thus fits the definition of an EA, but I see it more as it would be with any close friend of hers, his being a guy is pretty inconsequential. I do harbor some jealousy, though, of how close they are. I have no reason to suspect that there is someone else.

I'm terrified that I may have royally messed up the one thing that really mattered to me. I took her for granted, that she would be there when I got everything figured out. I should have involved her in the process, reached out to her, been here. I feel such remorse and I hate myself for how I emotionally abandoned her off and on over the years.

I wish she'd given me a wake-up call a long time ago, something like a letter or heart-felt talk to tell me that I'm being an a** and I'm at risk of losing her. Instead, it might well all be over.

Thanks for the thoughts. Wannabophim, thanks for pointing out that the reasons are right under my nose. It's easier for me to think that there may be something else, some other motive that she hasn't shared, but it's all most likely the obvious.

Well, this week has been tough. We had a long talk Wed night during which we talked about why this seems like the only option to her. As I suspected, she's convinced that nothing will really change, as much as she wants it to, and is afraid of the hurt if things do slip back into their old patterns. She still says she's 100% convinced that our marriage is over. She's working on dealing with her own emotions as well as her self esteem/image problems that she's has since before we met and I've never really learned how to help her with (other than complimenting her every chance I get). My IC is going well, I started Zoloft yesterday. It's weird, harkening back to my college days, it feels like I just ate a bunch of acid and it hasn't really kicked in yet. Both my therapist and my family doc believe it'll help deal with the Dysthymia and help me begin to heal and connect with others. I sure hope so.
At this point, I'm going to try not to bring up 'us' as a topic of conversation for a week or two. Just try to get used to the medication and be as nice as I can to her without going overboard. I'll probably give her a card with a little note in it or some flowers now and then, but I don't want to put too much pressure on her. I know she's getting a lot from her friends and family.

Heal myself
Be there for her
Heal myself
Be there for her
Heal myself
Be there for her
...