bear with me ... this is only my second post here. My story can be found here

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=0#2845719





Plan A is first about ending the extramarital relationships. That part is done. He came clean to me about OW#1. I found out about OW#2. We have had endless talks about how this made me feel and what it has done. He has willingly disclosed the affairs to his friends and he knows I have been forming my own support network through my friends and my midwife. We have no boss or business associates to tell. We both agree to NOT tell our families as it would affect our relationships with them. Our children are young and will not know about the details. Our 7 year old knows we are having troubles. Neither of the OW have partners to tell. I believe he has no desire to resume realtionships with either of these women.

So I guess the rest of Plan A is for me to build a space free of LBs. I have tried to be understanding and recognize my own faults that have caused our relationship to degrade in the first place. I believe that I have been working on this for the past 2 years, even before I knew about the affairs, and he acknowledges that. I believe he recognizes that I have the ability and desire to meet his ENs, but at this time he does not have the ability or to meet MINE.

I do need to pull myself up by my boot straps and stop crying. I haven't begged him to stay, but I have openly expressed my hurt and anger and my desire to keep this marriage. I have tried to be reasonable and caring, but at the same time, I am devestated. He says more than anything, the hurt he sees in my eyes kills him and is a block to him ever finding a place of strength to overcome his demons. When he sees my hurt he wants nothing more than to fall into my arms and tell me everything will be ok. He just doesn't believe he can do that and fix the broken pieces of himself at the same time. He says there are pieces of himself that want to continue the marriage, but he doesn't know whether or not that will be the final outcome once he figures out who he really is. He thinks the most probable outcome will be that he can't be married, and it is up to me to decide how long I can wait for him to figure that out.


SOOOO ... what do I do? How do I build a Plan A when I think for the most part we are already in Plan A. What else should I do, or not do?

bump

no thoughts or advice?

I am not qualified to give advice, but D-Day was only three weeks ago right? I think (hopefully) he is going to be in withdrawal for a while. I hope someone who is good at this stuff will pop in soon.

Sorry for what you are going through.

Hi still, Plan A is a plan designed to break up an affair, so you are already beyond that. What would be helpful is reading His Need, Her Needs and taking the emotional needs questionaires. It will be important to find out what led to his 2 affairs and resolve those issues. Is he in counseling? Why did he have 2 affairs?

That is kinda what I thought.

I think in a lot of ways we know what ENs we have met and not met for each in the past, and I think we both understand WHY he had the 2 affairs. Affair#1 began when we were not in a good spot in our marriage, she was oppertunistic and offered him a lot of money when we really needed it. He was vulnerable and feeling lost in our relationship anyway. That relationship escalated as our marriage degraded. During that time I got pregnant with ds2 and he had this struggle to be free of this person ever since. In a lot of ways we have come together and really faced some our issues in the past 2 years, but he always had this OW hanging over his shoulders keeping him from totally embracing our marriage. I knew he was depressed but did not know this was the reason. I thought that if i just kept moving forward eventually he would find his way back.

Affair #2 was very short and not sexual. He had reached the bottom of the barrel, was severly depressed and sucidial because of this other relationship. OW#2 listen to him talk. When he kissed her, that was his breaking point and he knew he had to be free of it ALL.

My problem now is that he includes me in that ALL. We are in MC together, although in a lot of ways I see it heading into IC for him with me as an observer, rather than true coupes therapy.

This is my problem, I read all the articles and posts on infidelity and can't seem to figure how most of it applies to me. What do I do? How do I act? I guess really, I just need to wait it out. Even though I just found out about the affairs 3 weeks ago, I feel like I have been working on saving this marriage for 2 years. I'm tired, I'm 7 monhs pregnant and I just want to know what will happen with my life.

It seems to me like your husband has some problems. Two affairs is a big, red, flag. I wonder if it would be more helpful for him to have IC before marriage counseling.

But it won't hurt to be in Plan A, and try to meet his emotional needs.

Before the affairs, was he meeting your emotional needs? Was he a good husband?

Well yes, he definitely has some problems. Thats not a big suprise.

No, neither of us were meeting any needs for each other before the affair started. I know that, he knows that, its not a mystery why this happened. The last 2 years have been really different though, but he was still having the affair during that time so I guess it doesn't count anyway.

i agree with mel

the affair/affairs have ended but the reasons that allowed the relationship to get bad are still there

read his needs, her needs....ask your H to list his top 5 needs and do everything you can to try to meet them!!

If he's willing to try to save your marriage show him that you are willing to try to make it a place where he can find happiness by having his needs met!!

i now believe this is the key to my marraige surviving and being better than ever if i get the chance to try again with my H....i'm excited about the possibility...I'm not going to dwell upon the mistakes we both made or the affair..I'm going to spend my time trying to find happiness together and experiencing the things that i now realize i could have had with my H

this is the frame of mind that is getting me through this and I beleive it will allow my marraige to recove and thrive if i get the chance

oh....my H was meeting my needs all along but you said you'rs wasn't so you should do the list of needs also and ask/expect him to meet your's also. we ALL deserve to be happy

anyway...that's my plan...hope it can help in your situation