Question. I found out my W was talking to Om back in Feb by cell phone aprrox 54 calls in the month and by email one that stated "I miss you also and this could be dangerous to the both of us" from OM and another from W "would you like to go bra shopping". I confronted her in the wrong way by being angry and having some outburst she told me they were just friends. When she moved out in july I was pretty devistated. In August she had another Om come to her appartment at 3:40am in the morning and I confronted that she had told me they only had a beer and watched TV. and she apoligized to me and said she would never do it again.

My question is I have really no idea if she is seeing anyone. I never new about plan A or B. So what do i do. Should I talk to her and tell her that I know what she did. I truly can forgive her but I really think she is having a hard time with it I started a bit of plan A buy starting the ILY after we talk that happened for about 3 days and today she told me stop saying that b/c I don't feel the same about you. I simply stated I'm sorry you feel that way and i will respect your decision.

I have grone over these 7 months and I am trying to put myself in her shoes and I see why she could be feeling this way she gave to me for a long time and I did not meet her needs. I know i can b/c I have before we both were imature. I tuly believe this marriage can work out its those dam walls she has around her. She is 10 yrs younger than me. W 27 Me 38 D3. We have never made an attempt to save this marriage. So How do i go about this.

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Dear Familygone,
You need the expert advice of one of the more experienced posters here, just wanted you to know you are in the right place to get help.
I know how painful this all is.

You are going to get help here, but we are going to need more information about your marriage.
How long married, when first affair started, the move out date, etc. etc.
In the meantime, look on the website and read up about Plan A and Plan B and all the concepts on this websites. That will take quite awhile.

Sincerely,
K.D.'s Heartbreak

The first signes of the affair where in Jan of 2005 and I confronted her in feb with my evidence. W moved out on july 1 2005 she then had a diffrent OM come to her Apt in june 2005 at 3:40am. I confronted her the next day. I think she got smart and is now hiding everything.

We dated for 2 years and have been married for 4yrs
My W is 27 Me 38 second marriage. during this journey she has told me I dont think I was in love with you. etc..
MY w worshiped me and eveyone around us as seen it even her mother has told me she never seen her so emotionally attached to anyone like me. I just need to find out what is going on and what course of action. I read a million books including his and her needs, Im getting LB tomorrow.

Most w/s rewrite history and one of the many phrases out of the w/s handbook is, I don't think I love you, I felt like I was pressured into marrying you, or the all time classic, I don't love you and I haven't for years.

What course of action should i take? Should I do plan A or plan b. I have read alot of books i have a ton of knowledge. Should I try to find out if the A is still going. I don't want to be a doormate anymore. My sitch is in the Emotional needs column.

bumping it up

I have a question any time I want to talk to my W she never wants to talk about the 2 issues OM. She has told me after the first A which she does not admit it was just friendship 54 calls in a month email to go bra shopping and an email that said I miss you also and this could be dangerous to the both of us. The second A or one night stand happened during this seperation I observed Om go into her apt at 3:40am and leave at 6:00am. W called me at 6:15 am told me she could not sleep b/c she was worried about are D3 who was at my sisters. I asked her what was really bothering her and she replied nothing but I f I had anythiong to ask ask. So I waited to confirm everything I kNEW AND REVELIED IT TO HER THAT EVENING AND SHE WAS SUPRISED. She told me she was sorry and all they did was have a beer and watch tv. W also said she would never do it again.

Everytime I want to talk about it she refuses and gets defensive by shifting all the problems of our M on me.
She also says can't I just let it go and says im going to hold it over her head. I will not hold it over her head I just want to make our M better and work on our EM needs.

What do i do how do i do I talk about this with her and move forward. We have been seperated since july 1 2005. I want to work on this marriage but she refuses and tells me its over. W has used the Divorce word as her trump card everytime I try to discuss working on this by getting me to stop talking. Yes divorce scares me and I love her with all my heart and I will not hold this over her head.

can I get a response please I know everyone is busy but a little help.

The starting point is Plan A. Read all about it. The idea is to show her what a great husband you can be.

It also includes exposing the affairs to family members and friends who could help. Have you done that?

Is the OM married? If so, expose to his wife.

I am new here but Believer is giving you the best advice. Follow plan A

1. Expose the affair
2. Focus on yourself
3. Avoid love busters

M 26
H 28
DS 6 yrs old
Married 7 yrs
D day 3 Sept 05
Plan A 21 Sept 05

Tough situations don't last, but strong people do

Just cking how are you today? This is the toughest thing I have ever gone thru.

I exposed it to her family early on we are seperated so i don't know if the rules apply the same as plan A and I don't know if she is seeing anyone else. I feel like a doormate when I give her EM needs and she sometimes doesn't want me to meet them. When I tell her I Love her she has told me to stop b/c she does not feel the same. I did post my sitch in the EM needs column under the same name.

family...

This may or may not be what you want to hear or talk about... but, why did you get divoriced in your first marriage? Was she a part of that scenario? Kids? I think it's a bit interesting about the age difference and some of the other things you said....

Did you have an affair with her?

Yes she was part of the reason I got divorced no previous kids. My first wife had an affair and I ended up with my previous W. What other things are intersting? My W's Mother had an A when she was about 5 or 8 yrs old. More would help me. One time W told me that I left my First W b/c I wasn't happy. I remember how I was in a great confusion and I was still in love with my first wife but I never made an attempt to fix it which I regret. I guess thats why I'm so against a D now. I just wish she would sit down with me and try to work on this M by using MB techniques. I know are age is diffrent and it never seemed to be a problem.

The other day she was telling me how she feels like she's getting old and would like a jaguar,bmw or cadillac before she gets old. She also said she is going to be 30 soon. Could she be going through a mid life crisis at the age of 27? W is also really focusing on her weight she looks great she's 5-3 and weights 120lbs complaining she put on 8 pounds. I brought her some candy the other day her favorite and said I told you to stop bringing me stuff like that b/c i put on 8lbs. I told her I would leave them for our D3 and she said no. We went to the cidermill and she ate a couple of carmel apples. My W was bulimic when she was 17 and was on prozac until she got preagnent and thats when all our trouble began. She accused me of cheating on her with my partner. I never even did such a thing. This women worked with me b/c I never tried to hit on her like everyone else did. She is attractive and i treated her with respect especially when you work in a male dominant profession. We are Police Officers. These accusations continued even up until this point and I never gave her any reason. My W stopped taking prozac when she got preagnent and only took it every know and then. She is now on zoloft but I don't know if she is taking it on a regular basis.

When W was still living with me she said she stopped taking proza b/c she could not have an oragasm and it gave her insomnia however this was when we where having trouble and when I found the phone calls on her cell bill to OM and we were not having sex.

Some more input would be great. Thanks for responding.

just bumping up my thread^^^^^^

Sounds real familiar FG,
My husband did not want me to do anything at all for him during the active EA, and also did not want me to give him anything. This went on even after the EA had ended. My husband now gracefully accepts my gifts of food, backrubs, etc.
Your problem is that it is hard to Plan A when you are not living in the same house. Much better to execute Plan A while you both are together.
One piece of advice, drop the I love you speeches, and what they mean to you. When the b/s does this, it says they are weak,needy, pitiful, and clingy. The w/s reaction to this behavior is one of pity and an stong urge to flee.
What will attract the w/s is a calm, confident, person who shows strength in words and actions.
Love buster scenes totally make the w/s confirm that you are unreasonable and unstable, so make sure you pay close attention to your words and how you say them.
A little detective work might be in order also.
Knowing who she is seeing is important so that you can expose. Also I would suggest IC for w/s as well as m/c if she will go.
But remember Plan A only works if you have exposed. The exposure is what will help to bring the affair to an end. So find out who she is seeing.

Alot of things have happened in the last 3 days, My W has reentered the conflict stage and has talked about possibly moving back in to our home, in May 2005. She says she does not want to pay for something she's not living in. I would rather see her home now.

I have been paying her no attention since thursday. Even going out to the zoo with her and did not give her any attention. That was the hardest thing to do. I am showing her I will be fine by myself. She has asked me twice If ILY and I simply said yes. I asked her if she Loved me and she said I don't know. This is an improvment especially when she has told me several times she hated me and does not love me. She also continues to question the ****** out of me and goes into angry outburst and i simply listen.

W has also told me she wants to put a list of her needs and dislikes of me sometime. When I don't know. I guess being that she does not live at home i'm doing a plan B on her. I will continue to focus on what I'm doing.

My concerns are when do i show her all this knowledge on MB because she is going back and fourth with her feelings. I think the best thing to do is get her abd our D3 back into the house so we can get this ball rolling. I know I have to use time. I think she feels she's losing me. I want to hold her and show her I do care. Another thing she continues to ask me. W also is saying I'm not being a good Husband or father, The aleins talking b/c she has had to be with our D3 while I work afternoons which is going to change next month. I will be back on days like her.

Any suggestions would be great.

f, why are you ignoring your W? That is not going to help your marriage.

I would suggest asking her to prove that her affair is ended and ask her to produce a plan of recovery before she comes back. Has she been honest with you about her affair? Before she comes back, it will be important to understand why the affair happened and ensure that steps are taken so it doesn't happen again.

Have you read Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley? If not, I would get that book and read as fast as you can. I wouldn't let her come back until you understand what has happened here and have a plan of recovery in place.

And in the meantime, stop ignoring her. It doesn't help your situation.

W has not been honest to me about the affair. She never wants to talk about it and she continues to threaten me by saying I will find somebody else to take care of her and D3.

I want her to be honest about the A. She aslo invited a second OM to her apt at 3:40am in the morning. When I try to discuss this all she says is this is all I can focus on and there were problems before and all I will do is hold it over her. I just want to work on this M.

How do you get a person to understand this.

W keeps telling me that I'm not making her the priorty or always saying i don't care about her. I Just asked her how she felt about sitting down and creating a plan to fix our problems. She said I have an apt. and i cant move b/c she has a 1 yr lease which is up in july 2006. How do we resolve this. I did bring it to her attention by telling her she is belittling me and knocking me, her reply thats how I feel. I don't know what to do about her A or if it is still going on. W never wants to talk about it. I want that in the open so I can see what lead to the A and correct it.

She has asked me twice now If I Love her. I said yes and asked if she Loved Me. She said she did not know. This is huge considering she has wished me dead several times and said she does not love me. So what do i do?